The war bodes well for us

My friends, things are going well for us.

In Smithfield, Virginia, a show dog was recently bitten by a snake. Now, I know and you know that show dogs aren’t exactly the warriors that we would expect to fight on the battle-lines of war, nor do I think we would. They’re not fighting material, but they are propaganda machines. Think Captain America in the Marvel movie universe when he’s on stage punching theater-Hitler. That’s why this is great news for us. One of our enemy’s stars has been attacked by a rogue member of their forces? How can you possibly spin that in a positive way?

We don’t need to sit on our laurels, but frankly, it’s things are looking good at the moment.

Nature is terrifying, y’all

If Land of the Lost taught us anything, it’s that we should be grateful for living in a world where we don’t have to rely on larger dinosaurs to counterattack the pterodactyls that are trying to kill us.

Or do we?

Robert Briggs claims he was minding his business, spying on a mother bear and her cubs, when a mountain lion ambushed him from behind. The big cat grabbed him by the backpack (presumably aiming for his head), and attempted to maul Briggs as he attacked back with a rock pick. The mother bear swatted the lion off and then fought it until the bushwhacker ran away.

While the rest of the story is unclear — despite what the rest of the story in the link says — we are confident that Briggs married his heroine and raised her cubs as his own.

Paging Dr. Venkman

In the War on Animals, we’re not above celebrating when animal factions fight against each other. Heck, we wish they would all just wipe themselves out and save us the effort.

However, we don’t need certain wars getting out of hand.

Take, for instance, the centuries-long Dog-Cat War: we’ve supplied the dogs in their effort because they’re easier to boss around. When they finally defeat cats, we’ll just tell them to stop breathing in a stern voice.

But cats have unleashed (heh) a terrible new weapon on dogs: the mountain lion.

This is a slippery slope, cats. You just brought a lion to a catfight.