If You Give a Mouse a Dew

It might be time for Pepsi Co. Inc. to review their legal team.

When Ronald Ball of Illinois sued over allegedly finding a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew, the soft drink company responded with a resounding, “Nuh-uh,” adding that steeping a mouse in Mountain Dew would have corroded it into a “jelly-like” substance.

So, quit whining, and embrace the extreme! Why, there could be all kinds of acid-melted animals in the Code Red right there in your hand, dude.

Dentists have officially begun defecating themselves

Hate going to the dentist? Can’t stand the sound of the drill or the smell of powdered tooth? Afraid of anaesthetic injections or getting gassed? Worry no more. Those same cagey individuals that brought you The Glubber may make contemporary dental operations obsolete.

Researchers at Tokyo University have taken stem cells and used them to give a mouse some new teeth. The cells were taken from a mouse embryo and cultivated, growing a new tooth “seed,” a lump of tissue with the genetic ingredients needed to grow into a tooth that was then implanted to in place of a lost molar.

Over about a month and a half, the tooth sprouted and grew to match the dimensions of its neighbors, with the same hardness and qualities of any normal tooth, including nervous and vascular connections that most replacement teeth can’t duplicate. Someday in the future, a dentist might be able to fill a cavity by just slapping on some painless organic gel and sending you home. Like the aforementioned fish, the tooth also glows in the dark, for display purposes.

In the research team’s experiments, the fluorescent glowing dye was a side point, but it isn’t hard to imagine bio-luminescent add-ons catching on in the future. Imagine showing off your new glowing teeth to your friends, or even growing a full head of fluorescent pink hair. It could mean a whole bio-punk movement: body modification taken to the next glowing level. We’ll never sleep again.


Scientists, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realize what you’ve done?

Let’s backpeddle a second for all the readers catching us mid-scolding:

Scientists in Japan have successfully cloned mice after freezing the donor to death. To repeat: they’ve brought mice back from the dead. Kind of. Pretty much.

Without death, there’s no way to stop animals from eating the Earth that God fitfully gave to us, humans. In fact, now there’s plans to bring back species we wiped out, like wooly mammoths.

Look, science, you wanna see a hairy elephant? Talk to Lucasfilm. They’ll show you a furry pachyderm with adorable bandage-swathed subhumans riding them. How about that?

Just — for the love of all that is holy — stop bringing non-people back from the dead. It’s not cool.

(Heh, “not cool.” Frozen mice. Still not worth it, science.)