Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.

The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

Halloween has come and gone, and if you’re friends with Rick Snee or Bryan Schools on Facebook, you are well aware that it’s Movember. Yes, it’s that month where some of us pretend that mustaches are cool so we can raise awareness about … something involving dudes and health. It used to be man cancers, and now it seems like various things that affect men’s health.

I’m a dude, so dude health is way up there on my list of priorities. So I guess I have to be on the side of this vague cause. And if you know a guy and are concerned about his health, you should support it, too.

The problem is that groups like the NFL use it to just make a quick buck. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

Take it from Snee: Looking for admirable men and women this Movember

We want you!
We want you (to help paddle this boat)!

As we wrap up October Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I hope it’s been productive and that we’ve all contributed to helping people with a disease that affects a large portion of our population. The amount of pink and fundraising events is breathtaking, and I can understand why, after a whole month of it, we might all be ready for a break.

Well, I need you to refocus — briefly for now, but chiefly in November — on a whole other cause, one that affects men as much as breast cancer effects women: Movember.

Regular readers are aware that I participate in Movember every year to raise money that helps treat and make life all-around better for men affected by prostate cancer, testicular cancer and mental illness. Combined, those three kill more men than nearly any other natural factor besides lung cancer and heart disease. To raise money needed for research, quality of life programs and awareness campaigns, I grow a mustache and update you on my progress and exchange weirdness and fun in return for donations.

And thanks to people like my family and you, my friends, I’ve been able to raise over $3000 for the Movember Foundation, Livestrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

But, what if we could do that in one year instead of four? To do that, I need a team of admirable men and women willing to pledge a month towards looking silly, getting fit and having some wild parties. If that sounds like a fun way to spend your November, then you are exactly the kind of person who belongs in The Admirals ClubContinue reading Take it from Snee: Looking for admirable men and women this Movember

Ask Dr. Snee: Cold, flu and Ebola season

Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor's handwriting.
Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor’s handwriting.

Hello, reader. According to these notes from the nurse who just examined you, “Dr. Snee is a horse’s ass who never reads charts and just gives everyone antibiotics.”

Ahem.

Well, it looks like I’m a horse’s ass who can read, thank you Nurse Lattimer, and I’m prescribing you about six months’ worth of penicillin for what’s about to be a chronic case of Unemployment in This Job Market. (You can find that in the Big Doctor’s First Medical Picture Book under “E. tadick.”)

Looks like the waiting room is backing up, so let’s get to the mail bag. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Cold, flu and Ebola season

Take it from Snee: Only 10 days until Movember

If you're willing to find out and have a good cause to blame, go to The Proposers Movember page to sign up today.
If you’re willing to find out and have a good cause to blame, go to The Proposers Movember page to sign up today.

Right now, your mind is on Halloween — as it should be. And I’d hate to interrupt you while you consider whether banging a sexy crayon is just doing it with a giant, red, waxy dick, but I need you to think about the morning after for a second.

No, not about whether you’ll still respect yourself and Party City for giving you a whole new fetish and therapy issues. I want you to think about whether you’re willing to grow a mustache — and only a mustache — for charity.

In 10 days, my Movember team, The Proposers, starts our 2014 campaign to raise money for men’s health organizations, including Livestrong, the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the International Consortium for Health Outcomes Measurement (ICHOM). This money pays for men’s health awareness and education campaigns, live-saving research and treatment and support for affected men and their families.

In 2013, we raised over $2000 in donations. We’re looking to raise even more this year with your help.

But, you don’t have to decide just yet. Let me explain what exactly it is we’re doing and why.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Only 10 days until Movember

Never trust your coworkers while you’re unconscious

The colonoscopy is one of the most feared things in a man’s life. It’s possibly more dreaded than death. But there are worse things can happen than the procedure itself.

For example, you can work at the surgery center where your colonoscopy is being done, and wake up wearing pink panties because your coworkers want to mess with you. That’s exactly what happened to one man in Delaware.

Understandably, he is suing for the “severe emotional distress” and loss of wages, though he probably should have waited until Movember to file it.

Take it from Snee: Coochpunch

One of the first things you learn in the Cuccinellis' home school is how to make your chin disappear before giving bad news.
One of the first things you learn in the Cuccinellis’ home school is how to make your chin disappear before giving bad news.

I moved back to Virginia a little over a year ago, thinking I had escaped theocracy by leaving Alabama. To nearly teach me a lesson, Virginian Republicans nominated Commonwealth Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli for governor only to lose to a guy who raises money for politiciansContinue reading Take it from Snee: Coochpunch

Congratulations! It’s a tumor!

In Movember-related news, it turns out that men can use home pregnancy tests to find out if they have certain varieties of testicular cancer.

One Ontario man did so for a lark, which is Canadian for “to waste a perfectly good pregnancy test.” When a friend posted the results to Reddit, users suggested he get checked for testicular cancer immediately or, at the very least, get that baby flushed out before it wrecked his pee hole. Sure enough, he had a small tumor on his right testicle, and it was detected early enough to treat immediately.

Please note that the hormone that triggers positive pregnancy test results is not present in all forms of testicular cancer, so don’t forget to get your annual check-up! Sometimes, urinating on a stick is no substitute for a doctor’s loving hands. At least, that’s what it says on our Tijuana medical licenses.

Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

Manners are an ever-evolving contract that society signed to avoid embarrassing and thoughtless behavior, or what the French termed “faux pas” in between giving English-speakers the wrong directions to the Louvre.

Our earliest etiquette rule comes from, ironically enough, our earliest ancestors, who decided it would be more polite to fathers if the groom clubbed their daughters prior to dragging them off, which is much quieter than all that previous kicking and screaming. From there, we invented “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” to express polite requests, gratitude and, “Would you just shut up about your car already?”

Even today, we are making greater strides towards a more polite world, even when we can’t see it right away. For instance, when police officers began spraying people sitting outside in New York City and the University of California, Davis without repercussion, who knew that ordinary people would start doing the same to humbly ask for the last Xbox? It is clear that the moratorium we once held on not spraying s#@t in other people’s eyes has been lifted, and I for one am glad to see this day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

Take it from Snee: Your ‘Community’ needs you

There are very few shows I would say that I love on television. Doctor Who, of course is one. The Colbert Report goes without saying (even though I just did). But, then there’s Community.

Maybe it’s because I briefly went to a community college that has since scrubbed the Internet of a commercial that claimed the “n” in their name is for “knowledge,” Troy and Abed’s belief that they are the stars of their own reality, or Allison Brie, but I found it hard to believe that everyone isn’t watching this show. In fact, so few are watching that NBC is taking the early steps that almost always lead to cancellation of what could be the smartest comedy since Sports Night, only actually funny.

Look. I know I ask a lot out of my readers (see my Movember update at the end), but that’s only because I assume that if you’re reading this, then you enjoy going out of your way for reheated jokes from my twitter account, which means you’re OK with working for your comedy. This time, I’m asking you to watch Community, just once, and see if you don’t fall in love with it for the same reasons I did. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your ‘Community’ needs you