A few weeks ago, Disney released a shot-for-shot remake of its 1991 animated classic Beauty and the Beast. The live-action version of the same movie you’ve already seen featured just enough extra footage to get people to turn out in droves. But Disney has gone overboard with its newest remake.
Police in Fresno, California are asking if anyone in the area is missing a mermaid. A woman calling herself “Joanna” was found nearly naked and walking down the middle of a street at 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. She claimed to be a mermaid, said she had been in the water, but wasn’t really able to answer any other questions. Authorities noted that she has webbed toes. Method acting at its finest.
It’s been a while since we watched 1989’s The Little Mermaid, but we remember the plot clearly: a mermaid princess makes a deal with a morbidly obese octopus to become human, and she winds up in a city more than a hundred miles from the ocean. When she is discovered, she’s treated for clear signs of mental illness. And they all lived happily ever after.
It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.
Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.
Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.
Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.
Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
There are people camping out for the new Star Wars movie. The movie isn’t coming out until next Friday. That means these people are going to be outside in December for a week to see a new movie. They don’t even have to. A ton of people pre-ordered tickets to the first showings of the film, but even so, that’s only a maximum 20% of the seating available. You can show up the night of the first showing and still get a seat. Let’s hope it’s not next to the guy who hasn’t seen a shower in a week. If you were busy being named Time‘s person of the year this week, odds are you missed it.
Well he did rise from the dead
It’s Christmas time, and that means people are putting out all sorts of decorations. It also means that those people’s neighbors are getting pissed off with all of those decorations. Some tightasses in Ohio recently made headlines over complaining about their neighbors zombie nativity scene, complete with the zombie Holy Family. Despite a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of expression, the man’s town is fining him up to $500 per day that he had the scene up. Some people have no appreciated for The Nightmare Before Christmas.
GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump this week proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.
Admiral loses sea legs
U.S. Navy Rear Adm. David Baucom was attending a conference in Florida and decided to have a few drinks. And because he’s mentioned here, you know it was a few too many. According to reports, Baucom got so drunk at a party that he wet his pants. He was then taken back to his hotel room, but his night wasn’t over. Baucom got up to go to the bathroom during the night and accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room, naked. His actions have prompted the Navy to ask itself, “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”
From here on out, the Back to the Future trilogy will take place exclusively in the past. Wednesday marked the date in the second film where Doc and Marty travel to the future. This means that kids won’t see the movies the way we did. More importantly, it means an end to those “today is the day” hoaxes that duped your friends on social media. It will also hopefully mean the end of companies trying to cash in on the film nostalgia. Who wants to bet the remake them within a decade? If you were busy bringing back the flip phone in a music video this week, odds are you missed it.
A new hope
After months of anticipation, the final trailer for the new Star Wars film was released this week, and the internet went nuts. It had a decent amount of new footage and hints at what the hell the plot is supposed to be, and had more Han Solo in it. Fans now have just two months until their absurdly high expectations for the movie are crushed and their childhoods are collectively ruined yet again.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
Dems compete for worst day ever
This week, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced they will no longer seek the Democratic nomination for president. Vice President Joe Biden announced that he won’t run for the White House, either. Martin O’Malley sang an awkward dad version of “Bad Blood” on national television, and Hillary Clinton was grilled for 11 hours about Benghazi and her emails. By default, it was a good week to be Bernie Sanders.
Federal Judge George H. King ruled that nobody owns the words to the song, just a particular piano arrangement that was originally copyrighted in 1935. Warner Music, which obtained the copyright through purchases in 1988, had collected over $2 million a year by forcing movies, television, stage productions and even chain restaurants to pay royalties for performing it. (The latter was considered profiting off of the song, even though it’s more of a congratulations to anyone who survived another year of eating at Chili’s.)
So, get ready for a lot of television shows to have birthday episodes this fall. It’s about time Bart Simpson turned 11, anyway.
Comedian, writer and TV host Neal Brennan once mocked crowdfunding with the above tweet. It’s sort of funny to think about all those campaigns out there begging for your money, like the guy with the handwritten sign you ignore on your way to work. I’ve always found it funnier to watch certain projects wildly beat their goals, only to get slogged down in development or some other bump in the road neither they, nor their investors, saw coming. Remember that Android-based game console from a couple years ago? Whoops.
It’s made much more sense to me to invest only in things made by people who have previously made something of value. If someone has done work that I truly enjoyed, and for some reason can’t get the funding for his or her next project through the traditional channels, I’ll consider making a meager donation. Except for Zach Braff. Screw that guy.
So when Broken Lizard came knocking at my laptop asking for a handout, why did I turn them away? Continue reading →
It’s tough to get a handle on Will Ferrell. He’s done some great work, and he’s a diverse comic. But when he makes a terrible movie, he really goes all the way. He’ll make stinkers like Land of the Lost, then do some beer ads that go viral, so you really can’t hate him. But good god does Get Hard look bad. Then again, that probably means the next thing he does will be great. If you were busy quitting a boy band this week, odds are you missed it.
TV time warp
It’s been a big week for 90s shows. Fox announced that The X-Files, complete with the creator Chris Carter and stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, will return for six episodes this summer, and ABC ordered a new season of the old NBC show Coach. ABC is reportedly betting that the football fans who watched the show have so much brain damage they don’t remember the original run.
Ted Cruz, physicist
During a speech this week, presidential candidate Ted Cruz compared himself to Galileo. Cruz said that his skepticism of climate change are not unlike Galileo, who believed in the then controversial theory that the Earth and other planets orbited the sun. Cruz added that he’s like Galileo, because the Italian physicist recanted his theory under pressure from the Catholic Church, and we now know today that heliocentrism is nothing but a conspiracy among the scientific community to bilk funding money from the federal government.
Don Draper dries out
It was announced this week that Jon Hamm, who plays the hard-drinking and womanizing Don Draper on Mad Men, recently completed a 30-day stint in rehab for alcohol abuse. So I guess he’s not a method actor, after all.
For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.
It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.