Tag: murder

If there are are any lice still in the room, now would be a good time to let me know

That’s what I thought.

Living in Russia is tough. I mean, the road is always forking you, your currency sounds like the currency in The Legend of Zelda and just around the corner is Chernobyl, the city you’d just love for the rest of the world to forget about it.

And then there’s Moscow. I mean, sure, it’s the largest city in the Russian federation, but that’s like saying you’re king of the landfill. There’s a threat to life everyday for you-grand theft auto, police impersonation, a ridiculously high murder rate, homicide inducing karate experts-

-Wait, what?

Oh yeah. They’re rampant. You can find from hotels to hostels. And they’re neat freaks. Oh MAN, are they EVER neat freaks. If they think for even a second that you, a mild civilian, might pass on lice to you or a loved one, they will kill you in a heartbeat. Yup, no hesitation will be given to the matter.

So what’s the true solution to the problem? It’s not social or financial change for the country. Just teach everyone three simple words: SWEEP. THE. LEG.

Guess who just inherited dishes duty?

Video games are evil. They’ll rot your brain and kill you. After playing, all you want to do is smoke pot, drink alcohol, commit multiple heinous felonies and become a malcontent for society. Nyeh.

These are all the sundry words spewed against gamers. It doesn’t matter if they’re totally untrue-they make great headlines. Of course, you know what makes a hilarious headline? When the victim is a gamer.

62-year-old Malcolm Palmer killed the mother of his three children after she became addicted to Grand Theft Auto. Carol Cannom, 46, apparently drove her partner mad by dragging a 37-inch plasma TV into the main bedroom and spending the entire night on her PS3. Malcolm was forced onto the sofa in order to get any sleep.

But wait, there’s more.

The PS3 was bought for their ten-year-old son, who would be allowed to play until midnight each night. Once he’d finished, the mother would take over until five or six in the morning. Malcolm also believed that Carol somehow had time for an affair, and turned violent when he was ordered out of the house, and told he’d never see his kids again.

He then inflicted 20 wounds with two knives, and the attack was overheard by their son, who dialed 999 (the equivalent to 911). Palmer grabbed the phone off the boy and said:

“I’m sorry. I think I killed her.”

Palmer’s defense lawyer is clinging to the gaming as a means of justifying his client’s attack, claiming that the

“Genesis of the tragedy bizarrely lies with the purchase of a PlayStation.”

Bizarre is right. Unfortunately, thanks to the ineptitude of the article, we’ll never figure out exactly which version of Grand Theft Auto it was. Sadly, the world may never know if the voice work of Ray Liotta, Young Maylay or Michael Hollick. And they call themselves professionals.

Real doll, “real crime”, real smooth, guys

Japanese police launched a full-scale murder investigation after the gruesome discovery of body bound, gagged and wrapped in plastic … that was actually just a life-size sex doll. Oopsies. It’s so easy to mistake soft plastic with flesh, after all.

Hey, CBS, you interested in CSI: Tokyo? You could really revolutionize the forensics investigators show genre by making an actual comedy. Well, one that doesn’t involve David Caruso, that is.

That’s what kids are for

OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.

Cue the moral outrage from the masses.

Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?

What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.

This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

No matter how exciting of a job we have, eventually it becomes mundane. There’s nothing unconscionable about becoming desensitized to, say, emergency savings withdrawals or organizing a staff potluck. But we still feel bad because that’s what we’re paid to do (read: supposed to care about).

So can you imagine how a 911 operator must feel when the honeymoon’s over? One in Memphis actually fell asleep during a robbery call. In the interest of giving the benefit of doubt, we present: A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator. Continue reading A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator