In the future, we won’t have to worry about beer being shipped from point A to point B (even though we all love a beer truck accident). It will just come out of the pipes. We’re pleased to tell you that the future is here, but only in a certain part of Germany.
If you’re planning on going to the Wacken Open Air music festival in the German state of Schleswig-Holstein, you’ll be sipping a brew brought to you through a four-mile-long pipeline. The thinking is that there is so much beer consumed at this festival that it’s much easier to move the beer through a buried pipeline than it is to constantly haul in a bunch of kegs.
You ever order a beer when the bar is changing the keg? Imagine that, except the keg line that’s all foamed up is four miles long. You’re going to be waiting a while.
If you’ve flown on an American airline in the past 40 years, you know that flying sucks. (Thanks, deregulation!) But recent events may indicate we have reached a low point in the exceptionally awful experience. Sure, we had a paying customer bloodied and kicked off an overbooked flight, sure, we had a flight attendant be aggressive toward a mother holding her children, then challenge a male passenger to a fight, but there is worse. And worse is Kenny G.
Jimmy Buffett is your dad’s favorite musician, and yet he has a lot in common with Kiss. Their bodies of work get far more credit than they deserve, and they both enjoy commercializing themselves in as many ways as possible because they have legions of fans who will gladly fork over cash for crap with their names on it. But Buffett may have edged out Kiss for once.
If you’re a Buffett fan, you’re looking at retirement–assuming you didn’t spend through all your savings following your dude on tour. If your coconut bra hangs lower than it used to, why not retire in a community in Florida what has the Margaritaville name on it? Latitude Margaritaville is being built in Daytona Beach, Florida and will be open to the 55-and-up crowd starting next year. The project is expected to have 7,000 (!) homes in it, all in that tacky, tropical style you love. And it’s just the first community planned.
Considering what we know about retirement homes and STD rates, this version of Margaritaville could quickly turn into Hedonism. Yeesh.
Babies are sociopaths. They are concerned with nothing but their own needs and desires, and they will emotionally manipulate adults any way they can to get what they want. But what if we could manipulate them right back? Science finally has the answer.
Researchers teamed up with Grammy winner Imogen Heap to create a song that would absolutely make babies smile or laugh. From previous work, the scientists knew that babies preferred uptempo music, and a female singer, because babies are sexist. Heap recorded a few different melodies and a test group of babies clearly preferred one of them. The next step was adding the right words. This meant including words with plosive sounds (made by B’s, P’s, etc.) because that’s what the kids are into these days.
The end result got an overwhelmingly positive response from the test babies. We have now created a song that will make them laugh — or did they trick us into making music they like?
Listen if you don’t mind songs stuck in your head.
But, it’s important to note that reggae and soft rock weren’t the first choices of all individual dogs tested. According to one of the researchers, professor Neil Evans said, “the response to different genres was mixed, highlighting the possibility that like humans, our canine friends have their own individual music preferences.”
We’re guessing that dogs are just into slight variations on what they listened to back in obedience school.
This holiday season, make sure you drink. But also, don’t drive drunk. Police forces ramp up efforts to discourage drinking and driving this time of year, but in Canada, a new tactic is being launched.
One Prince Edward Island town’s police department has promised that anyone pulled over for drunk driving in its jurisdiction will be subjected to listening to Nickelback on the ride to the police station. The police chief said they have an unopened copy of the Canadian “rock” group’s Silver Side Up album–on cassette–and has threatened to use it.
Have you ever wondered what kind of music sharks like? If so, you’re probably not very much fun at the beach, but you’re not alone.
According to a new book, the behavior of sharks can be seen to change when AC/DC is played for them. An Australian charter boat captain said he noticed that when he played certain selections from his music collection, AC/DC in particular, the sharks beneath his ship would calm down. A neuroscientist says this is likely because the sharks are attracted to the low pulsing sounds found in the band’s music. But he also said AC/DC was heavy metal, so take it with a grain of salt.
It was also discovered that sharks really want Brian Johnson to lead the band again.
A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.
Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.
I was on the last leg of an eight-hour drive to Ohio back in September, looking forward to looking at anything but flat, straight, boring road. My wife was scanning the radio stations, because we’re the last people left who listen to terrestrial radio, when she came upon Christmas music. A station was playing nothing but Christmas music. Let’s remember this was September. I had a sudden urge to steer the car into a tree, but we were in Ohio farm country, it could have been hours before we saw tree for me to hit.
In my seething rage, I thought back to the column I wrote about Christmas songs last year, and I’ve been waiting to reread it ever since. (That’s right my complaint about hearing the same songs is itself a repeat, get over it.) I’m still really proud of it, and I think it’s way better than any “Christmas season gets longer every year” type of rants I could muster up this year. And judging from our site’s daily hit counts, a lot of you out there probably missed it last year, anyway.
The Guys have long been skeptical of science. For instance, if scientists are so sure about their theories and processes, then why do they always wear goggles? What’s the matter, nerds? Not sure how those combustible chemicals really work?
Before his surgery, he had arachnophobia, which is what keeps shoe manufacturers and newspaper publishers in business. Afterwards, he reportedly became fascinated by spiders. That’s not good. Fascination is a slippery slope to letting them live, and letting spiders live is how we all get creeped out by them.
He also reportedly became temporarily repulsed by music. Unfortunately, he regained music appreciation before we could find out what “The Itsy-bitsy Spider” would do to him psychologically.