Fighting fire with a fistful of matches

James O’Keefe (friend of this Web site) is back in the news with another “hot scoop.”

It was apparently news to him that NPR executives believe that Tea Partiers are “xenophobic,” “seriously racist people,” who are “fanatically involved in people’s personal lives.”

He proved that by secretly recording a private meeting by disguising two people as representatives of a Muslim outreach group funded by the Muslim Brotherhood, implying that such groups are full of terrorists.

… Gee, James. Where would NPR get that idea?

This can only end in fantastic tears

We hesitate to to give any credence or credibility to Fox News, mainly because we don’t actually think they qualify as “news.” Why? Well, a news channel should probably give news, rather than just using scare tactics and fear-mongering.

The latest bit of news regarding the channel doesn’t exactly fix their image any.

Greg Gutfeld, host of Red Eye (the late night show on the channel), wants to open up a gay bar. Right beside the mosque that’s being built near Ground Zero. Oh, and the gay bar would cater to Islamic men. That’s not asking for trouble at all.

Of course, there’s no basis that this could actually happen, so don’t be surprised if this turns into non-news. We can only propose this: on the other side of the Islamic themed gay bar, a gay bar that caters to people of the Catholic denomination should be opened as well. Because after all, one good turn deserves another.

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

A hunka burqa love

A Muslim woman was fined by police for wearing presumably nothing but a burqa outside in Italy.

This and a proposed French law to ban the sexy, sexy garment has prompted a serious debate about gender norms, taboo and religion as the world’s cultures are increasingly mingling in romantic destinations like Tuscany, Paris and Detroit.

On the one hand, women could be wearing anything under a burqa: thongs, lacey pushup bras, cut-off daisy dukes or even nothing but a bomb vest.

On the other hand, she could be ugly. Or a dude posing as a woman to get favors like not driving and ditching school. If we get aroused by that, then what does that say about us?

So, while we see the reasoning behind this police action, we would like to remind Italy that if you never outlaw the burqa, you’ll never have to ruin the fantasy underneath.

Last night’s ‘*bleep* Park’ episode

We’d like to extend a hearty congratulations to Comedy Central for almost having the courage to strike a blow for comedy and free expression.

Despite the “warnings” of a group of online Al-Qaeda wannabes, the network did air the 201st episode of South Park, which was the continuation of a two-part story concerning Muhammad and other figures the show has lampooned over the years.

Unfortunately, they also added extra bleeps, including over any mention of the name of Muhammad and the entire “I’ve learned something today …” exchange at the end. (We’d include footage, but Comedy Central refuses to release it online.)

That’s right: they covered the whole point of the episode with a long, offensive, caterwauling screech that we could still hear every time we closed our eyes to go to sleep last night. There are probably animals that are still running towards cable offices, trying to figure out who called them.

So, bravo, Comedy Central. Your cowardly sensibilities won out again, which have brought us such safe choices as “The Jeff Dunham Show” and “The Blue Collar Comedy Show.”

Remind us again: when has the safe choice ever worked out for you?

Muslim Scholar: Terrorists can go to hell

It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.

How *not* to get ahead in your work

According to police, the television executive in charge of Bridges TV — a network dedicated to improving the image of Muslims in the media — beheaded his wife after she filed for divorce.

We repeat: Muzzammil Hassan, whose career was based on disproving stereotypes of barbaric fundamentalist misogyny (among others), cut his wife’s head off when she wanted an all-American divorce.

Once again: the guy who was worried that we thought all Muslims ritually behead unbelievers in public displays of terror … cut his wife’s head off at a TV station that he founded to show us they don’t do that, because she didn’t want to be married to him anymore.

This is not a test of the SeriouslyGuys Irony Alert System. The irony alert we have issued is real.

Please remain in your homes until told that the irony alert is over in your neighborhood. If you have any small children or mentally-imbalanced family members are are unable to discern irony, please distract them with an impromptu stuffed animal puppet show until the irony has passed. In the event that they ask questions about the irony, refer to our Irony Hotline, where one of our operators will talk you through an explanation.

If you experience any headaches (sorry) or nausea, remember: every religion is full of these assholes.

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!