It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.