Boring conversation with NASA anyway

This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George "Bright Eyes" Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty superapes.
This is the greatest sexually transmitted threat to Earth since Mission Commander George “Bright Eyes” Taylor nearly overran the Earth with damn, dirty super-apes.

NASA ground controllers briefly lost contact with astronauts aboard the International Space Station on Tuesday. The sexy pinnacles of American, Russian and Canadian physical and mental prowess were left unattended for three hours due to a computer problem.

Who knows what they were doing up there, all alone, with no supervision, gravity or rules …

We, the people of Earth, welcome the U.S.-Russian-(really?) Canadian blackout super-baby as our new overlord.

(Yes, The Guys are fully aware that all six members of the current ISS crew are men. But, who knows what space radiation does to a man, and have you seen Chris Hadfield’s Swanson of a mustache? Who could quit that?)

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Ha ha, very funny, NASA

Seriously, though: what purpose do the gym shorts serve? Space hockey?
Seriously, though: what purpose do the gym shorts serve? Space hockey?

Yeah, NASA, you totally had us going with your new Buzz Lightyear prototype spacesuit. To infinity and beyond, indeed. Space Rangers reporting for duty! Hahaha!

The “Z-1?!” Ah-hahahaha! Does it come with everything you see here, or are batteries included?

Eh-heh, heh … So, what does your next spacesuit really look like?

… Oh.


And just how much did Disney pay you to make Tomorrowland relevant again?

Not so intelligently designed legal defense

A judge has ruled that David Coppedge was not dismissed from his job with NASA because of his belief in intelligent design, ruling that this was only one example of his scientific incompetence.

Coppedge had worked as a computer specialist for the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory until 2011, when — according to JPL — he was let go for refusing to undergo training after it was announced that his project, the Cassini mission to explore Saturn, would be downsized. He was also reportedly the subject of workplace complaints for his unerring dedication to shoving his intelligent design beliefs and videos onto his coworkers.

In a stroke of the irony NASA is famous for, Coppedge is to be replaced with a new employee that was designed (whether by an intelligent creator or natural selection) to act like less of a douche in the lab.

Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

Space smells like Bender’s shiny, metal ass

We know a couple of things about space. It’s black. It stiffles screams. But, what does it smell like?

NASA has hired scent chemist Steve “Hawknose” Pearce to recreate the smell of space via chemical analysis and astronaut’s recollections. (Whether the spacemen get that far-off look in their eyes as they recall moments of post-space walk undressing has little to no effect on the results.)

So far, we know that it smells metallic like welded electronics, sulfurous and a little bit like rum … so it’s Bender. And, Pearce previously worked out what the inside of the space station Mir smelled like: sweat, body odor and vodka thanks to Russian cosmonauts.

We look forward to both of these joining Yankee Candle’s baffling line of candles for men who secretly love candles, but want them to smell like leather and grass clippings.

April Fools asholeroid

Is it April 2 yet? OK, good.

Every year, The Guys hunker down for 24 hours every April 1 to avoid what is the most annoying day in the world. Entire Web sites become unusable, whoopie cushions are on every chair and all the news is (more) unreliable at best.

And this year? It turns out we were right to take shelter in our bunker — which contains our servers and vintage erotica — because an asteroid got in on the “fun” by making an unpermitted flyby yesterday.

Supervillainy ‘Space Race’ begins

With the conclusion of the Apollo space missions in 1972, the possibility of lunar colonization has never been more than a flirtatious thought from presidential contenders and presidents looking for filler in State of the Union addresses.

Supervillains who have postponed their dreams of lunar bases will no longer be able to resist the moon’s gravitational pull now that NASA has found evidence of magma in the moon. That’s right: lunar volcanic lairs.

The only way this could inspire more super, ragier boners is if future lunar orbital missions find enough water on the moon to support mutated shark colonies.

Sun blames blast on the dog

Much like you dad at the dinner table, NASA and the USA Today have attempted to euphemize the sun’s latest gas expulsions.

Still, we’d love to hear Aunt Mathilda fan herself and declare she “has fired off a spectacular ‘coronal mass ejection,’ following a solar flare erupting from a sunspot region.” It sure beats her usual outbreaks of The Vapors.

The proof is phallic

A nerd at NASA thinks that he’s found evidence of aliens. Me, I think he’s found a picture of a dong.

Richard Hoover discovered fossils of bacteria in an extremely rare kind of meteorite. If you’re going to find an alien, I suppose those are the best conditions-super specific rare. After breaking apart the extremely rare meteorite, Hoover looked at the fragments with a scanning-electron microscope. What did he find? Micro-organisms, and kids, there’s picture evidence.

Oh, how there is picture evidence.

Look at the picture! It looks like a wang. A long, slithery wang. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is an alien. If it is an alien, given that shape, well, to be honest, we’re boned.