National Zoo’s shameful revolving door strikes nation’s capital

The only way to win the War on Animals is to make sure we don’t fight the same enemies over and over again. Once we put an enemy combatant in lock-down, then we had better make sure they stay there. And yet here we are, watching non-profit animal cuddlers trying to lure a fugitive bobcat back into its cell.

At 25-pounds, Ollie is considered a threat to small animals, low-flying birds and Italian restaurants.

Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat, escaped from the National Zoo sometime Monday morning and is wandering free through our nation’s capital. This tiger-adjacent predator has access to the very strip clubs that our legislators and lobbyists depend on for nightly glitter-coatings that are essential for effective policy-making.

And what’s the taxpayer-funded zookeepers’ plan? To offer up food until she moseys back into her pen: “‘We very much believe that she will want to come back to her habitat,’ [zoo official Brandie] Smith says.”

See? This is why we have to silence the national parks and other sciencey-types. If they’re not with us, they’re against us.

Pandas really are jerks

If the internet is any indicator, there are a fair amount of animal sympathizers out there, especially when it comes to cats and other enemies deemed “cute.” But it’s important to remember that these things are jerks, and pandas are no exception.

Sara Glickman and Ben Shlesinger are big fans of Bao bao, a baby panda bear that lives at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. They like the beast so much that the invited her and her parents to their wedding. They even went out of their way to offer bamboo as a meal option. But the panda jerk declined on the RSVP without even giving a reason.

It’s a golden age for the animal dentistry industry

Trouble is afoot and the revolution may be happening!

At the National Zoo, a zebra bit a zookeeper. Multiple times. While this is disturbing enough given the herbivorous nature of the zebra, what’s even more eerie is that a gazelle death may possibly be related. Scientists theorize that the gazelle may have died as a result of being spooked by the incident, but even then, what if it’s also possible that the zebra learned to gain a taste for flesh by nipping at the gazelle?

Also disturbingly enough, a man in Charlotte was bitten by a cobra. Luckily, he was drunk enough to call poison control for help.

Scary times are indeed upon us.

FOLLOW-UP: National Zoo locks down exhibits

Zookeepers acknowledged that what they had there was failure to communicate. "Some pandas you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men."
Zookeepers acknowledged that what they had there was failure to communicate. “Some pandas you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last month, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men.”

After the escape of Rusty, the red panda menace of Adams Morgan, officials at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. stated that they have locked down their exhibits. The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s investigation discovered the means of Rusty’s escape, and the zoo enacted measures to make sure it never happens again.

So, how did a dangerous animal gain access to our nation’s capital, threatening our entire government and way of life? By enlisting the aid of animals’ greatest ally in the War on Animals: trees. While red pandas can’t jump (making them the white people of pandas), they can climb like the Dickens. A conveniently lowered branch over its water moat gave Rusty the boost he needed to take D.C. by storm.

The zoo has scaled back his plant allies, reenforced walls and added a “hotwire” barrier above the wall. So, if Rusty chooses to escape again, he’ll have to get past our greatest ally: electricity.

Yep, as long as the power never goes out, droughts don’t happen, and bamboo stops growing like weeds, we can all rest easy.

Run for the hills, Tian Tian!

Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.

Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.

It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?

(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)

National Zoo sneaks in more pandas

The National Zoo has been on our watch list recently. As promised SG is here to keep you posted on the evils that are being done to house these federally-supported animals. We regret to inform you that the National Zoo is at it again.

The panda-crazed zoo has just added two more pandas, only this time they are red pandas. (We just won a bet we couldn’t say “panda” three times in one sentence.) Apparently, they tried to sneak this one past us while everyone in the Greater Washington area is fixated on the visit of Pope Benedict XVI.

Red pandas are known as the uglier, stranger looking branch of the panda family. Unlike their giant “black” panda cousins, they are not cuddly, but they are just as deadly. The National Zoo said it hopes to complete its collection of all the colors in the panda rainbow.

This blog has not yet ruled out rumors of a panda attack to coincide with the Beijing Olympics this summer.

Panda Watch: National Zoo

Nearly three years ago, a giant panda cub named Tai Shan was born at the National Zoo and lulled Washington into a sense of stupor–exactly what the animals want. Today, Tai Shan is a 170-lb. monster, ready to pounce on anyone that comes near him.

Case in point, Tai Shan attacked a zoo worker with his deadly claws and long teeth! Luckily the worker was able to make it to safety with only a cut on his leg. It could have been far worse. A panda is still a bear, and bears maul.

To make matters worse, zoo officials are helping Tai Shan’s mother pop out another of the devil’s spawn. Mei Xiang, Tai Shan’s mother, was artificially inseminated Tuesday, which means we have to look forward to a man-made panda threat. But do not fear, yours truly, SG’s Washington correspondent, will keep you up to date on the growing panda threat.