Can you take the cure? All of it?

We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.

The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”

The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.

Bet they’re not allergic to cookies

You know what happens when there’s no more natural selection? “Worry Free Dinners” nights for allergy kids that are only going to eat chicken tenders anyway.

That’s right: nature is trying to find ways to kill our children now that we have helmets and polio cures, yet we still insist on patronizing allergies to life essentials like:

  • Milk
  • Eggs
  • Fish
  • Shellfish
  • Peanuts
  • Tree nuts (as opposed to deez)
  • Wheat
  • Soy

Basically, anything that has gone in any food ever since we stopped eating the lions’ leftovers.

We’re not saying that these kids shouldn’t be able to live like the rest of us, but they sure wouldn’t have 100 years ago.

This article also wins our coveted Headline of the Day!

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.