Fighting whisky: Bottle found sealed in decommissioned warship

There’s nothing better in the world than found booze. You either find booze you forgot you had, or find booze that someone else lost track of. And it’s been mellowing the whole time.

A bottle of whisky was found on board an Australian warship, hidden away for 35 years–the bad news is that it’s Canadian whisky. The HMAS Sidney, a frigate in the Royal Australian Navy since 1982, is being decommissioned and torn apart. When it was being built in Seattle, crews placed a small bottle of MacNaughton Canadian Whisky inside a post on the ship. Since then it’s sailed around the world a couple times and no doubt fought off invasions from New Zealand.

When American workers who built the ship learned it was being torn apart, they notified authorities of the bottle’s location. So if Canadian whisky is your thing, go grab a sip of history.

The Navy wants to protect a porpoise we’ve nearly finished off

It’s been a while since we talked about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins. We covered their deployment through the announced ending of the trained mammal program. Looks like these trained dolphin warriors aren’t done yet.

The Navy’s trained dolphins are going to be deployed for a purpose completely contrary to our interests. They will find and protect the last of an endangered species of porpoises. The Navy has offered to help Mexican researchers find their vaquita porpoises in a conservation effort. That means that we’re so close to finishing off these things, and our own military wants to aid a foreign enemy.

We thought we’d never see the day.

Navy designing robot to run in front of your car

The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.

We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.

We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.

You Missed It: Undead Christmas edition

Wise zombies still seek Him.
Wise zombies still seek Him.

There are people camping out for the new Star Wars movie. The movie isn’t coming out until next Friday. That means these people are going to be outside in December for a week to see a new movie. They don’t even have to. A ton of people pre-ordered tickets to the first showings of the film, but even so, that’s only a maximum 20% of the seating available. You can show up the night of the first showing and still get a seat. Let’s hope it’s not next to the guy who hasn’t seen a shower in a week. If you were busy being named Time‘s person of the year this week, odds are you missed it.

Well he did rise from the dead
It’s Christmas time, and that means people are putting out all sorts of decorations. It also means that those people’s neighbors are getting pissed off with all of those decorations. Some tightasses in Ohio recently made headlines over complaining about their neighbors zombie nativity scene, complete with the zombie Holy Family. Despite a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of expression, the man’s town is fining him up to $500 per day that he had the scene up. Some people have no appreciated for The Nightmare Before Christmas.

GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump this week proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.

Admiral loses sea legs
U.S. Navy Rear Adm. David Baucom was attending a conference in Florida and decided to have a few drinks. And because he’s mentioned here, you know it was a few too many. According to reports, Baucom got so drunk at a party that he wet his pants. He was then taken back to his hotel room, but his night wasn’t over. Baucom got up to go to the bathroom during the night and accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room, naked. His actions have prompted the Navy to ask itself, “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”

Canadian Navy no longer has beer machines on its ships

It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.

Canadian sailors won’t be allowed to drink when they are off duty any more. In fact, they can only drink on special occasions with the captain’s permission. Apparently they had beer vending machines on their ships, which is an awesome idea, but no longer.

In the Canadian Navy, you can sail the sober seas.

The dolphin arms race heats up

Guess what, America? Russia now has attack dolphins that it stole from Ukraine. That just makes the War on Animals even more complicated. We’ve covered military dolphins before.

This puts us in a strange situation. We don’t like that the U.S. Navy has trained animals how to kill us, but if the Russians have such technology, it makes sense that we should, too. In fact, if Russian dolphins ever attack, the U.S. can deploy its arsenal of dolphins, whales, seals, sea lions, sharks and birds to fend them off.

And now: hard hitting news from the military front …

The United States Navy has been slowly trying to be a fountain of public relations greatness. After it was revealed by people with too much time on their hands that the Navy uses all-caps for their message font, the coastal seamen announced that they would be doing away with the anger in their typing.

Unfortunately, they won’t be scoring any points with the cereal crowd. After nearly a week of unearthing dirt and data, they declared that while Captain Crunch does wear the ranking of a United States Navy Commander, they have no enlistment information for the guy.

Scandal has erupted. 1963. 1969. Neither compare to 6/20/2013: the day that the dreams of a cartoon cereal mascot died.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

But what about those screendoors?

As we’ve reported before, submarines are a relatively new technology that the U.S. Navy’s still perfecting 100 years later. Just last February, it dawned on our fairer military branch that women are a natural fit–both literally and olfactorally–in subs.

Now they’re starting to wonder if smoking in a submerged sub is a really good idea.

Due to health concerns about second-hand smoke in an enclosed space with recycled air, the Navy’s finally rectifying this with an order, effective December 31, 2010.

So, to sum this decision up: it’s important, should have been instituted years ago and can wait until next year’s Resolutions.

Sea cows would make good moving targets

More than 50 years ago, the U.S. Navy hunted for German U-boats while taking 0n the might of Japanese naval forces. Today, the Navy is going up against another foe: sea animals. We know that the battle between dolphins and whales seems to be won, but what about manatee?

In Florida, the waters off of Pensacola Naval Air Station and near other military bases in the region have long been training grounds for our aviators, submarines, destroyers and cruisers. But now the hippies at the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service want to expand a protected manatee habitat into this area.

Here’s an idea, let the manatee come, lull them into a false sense of security in their new home, then commence with the target practice.