Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

But what about those screendoors?

As we’ve reported before, submarines are a relatively new technology that the U.S. Navy’s still perfecting 100 years later. Just last February, it dawned on our fairer military branch that women are a natural fit–both literally and olfactorally–in subs.

Now they’re starting to wonder if smoking in a submerged sub is a really good idea.

Due to health concerns about second-hand smoke in an enclosed space with recycled air, the Navy’s finally rectifying this with an order, effective December 31, 2010.

So, to sum this decision up: it’s important, should have been instituted years ago and can wait until next year’s Resolutions.

Sea cows would make good moving targets

More than 50 years ago, the U.S. Navy hunted for German U-boats while taking 0n the might of Japanese naval forces. Today, the Navy is going up against another foe: sea animals. We know that the battle between dolphins and whales seems to be won, but what about manatee?

In Florida, the waters off of Pensacola Naval Air Station and near other military bases in the region have long been training grounds for our aviators, submarines, destroyers and cruisers. But now the hippies at the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service want to expand a protected manatee habitat into this area.

Here’s an idea, let the manatee come, lull them into a false sense of security in their new home, then commence with the target practice.

Dedication sometimes yields near explosive results

Stop me if you’ve heard this fish story before: Man goes fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Man’s fishing rod begins to go crazy. Man figures that he’s caught one gigantic fish. After a long battle, man finally manages to reel in his catch. Man’s catch is a live guided missile.

Wait, you haven’t? Well, it’s happened.

What’s fairly awesome, though, about this deadliest catch is the dedication shown by this man to his craft. Most will go out at ungodly hours of the day/night, or sit through torrential rains, or bear sub-freezing temps, but this guy floated around in the Gulf with unexploded ordinance in his boat for 10 days.

Someone get this guy his own fishing show, otherwise, he may just accidentally kill us all with his next catch.

Screwed up royally?

British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”

Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.

Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.

The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?

It’s like ‘Top Gun’ but in boats … and weird

If Top Gun taught us anything, it’s that communism is best faced over international waters as wet and nakedly as possible. That was 1986.

Since then, the military has faced numerous anti-Top Gun obstacles, including the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

However, in 2009, the Navy truly loves the ’80s, thanks in part to the Chinese.

During a surveillance mission over 100 miles off the coast of China, the USNS Impeccable found a collection Chinese naval, state and civilian vessels shadowing it. Two of the ships approached, their crews waving Chinese flags and telling the Impeccable to go home. The Impeccable, knowing this was the Top Gun moment they had waited their entire careers for, opened up on them with their fire hoses.

The wet fun didn’t stop there. The Chinese sailors stripped down to their underwear and continued to taunt the American crew provocatively. (What were the chances they’d run into the Chinese on laundry day?)

Creeped out but not wanting to seem homophobic, the Impeccable informed the ships “in a friendly manner” that they were leaving the area. One of the Chinese vessels maneuvered directly in front of the Impeccable, forcing her to an all-stop. They then dropped their large wooden plank right in front of the American’s nose.

Still, the Impeccable escaped. U.S. and Chinese officials have each lodged complaints against the other’s actions in what may be the world’s first maritime legal “You know how I know you’re gay?” arguments.

Victory in the courts at long last!

The Guys would like to thank all of you who turned out with us to picket the U.S. Supreme Court over the past month. We are pleased to announce that the court has ruled in our favor, which means the U.S. Navy can use its radar during training missions, regardless of how many whales, dolphins and porpoises are killed (and we hope that it is many).

The species traitors at the Natural Resources Defense Council argued that the solar posed a threat to marine mammals, who would hear the radar and become disoriented and probably die or something. As we have chronicled, the case has been bouncing around the legal system for more than a year. Finally, justice has been service in a 5-4 vote.

From the court decision:
“Of course, military interests do not always trump other considerations, and we have not held that they do. In this case, however, the proper determination of where the public interest lies does not strike us as a close question.”

We’re not really sure what “peace” the judges are talking about. This nation is at war with the beasts. However, we’ll take a decision in our favor any day.

Warriors of the Week: The Mexican Navy

In our ongoing coverage of summer, we’ve learned from our hermana site, HombresSeriementes, that the Mexican Navy is hunting sharks.

The current campaign involves three boats, a helicopter and spotters on the beach. It is a retaliatory strike after sharks killed two swimmers and maimed another on the Pacific Coast.

How serious are the Mexicans? “‘We’ve done reconnaissance flights,’ [said] Rear Adm. Arturo Bernal.” That’s right: top brass are on this mission.

It makes you wonder how the United States Navy can just sit back at their bases while the enemy draws silently to our beaches — circling, waiting — when the Mexicans are taking action. One thing is certain: you can’t call them Mexidon’ts.