Tag: nazi

They belong in a museum!

The ghost of Indiana Jones can rest a little easier: artwork that the Nazis supposedly destroyed for deviancy have been found. They attempted to get rid of it by storing it in a building and then burning the whole building down, with or without the assistance of allied bombs.

The sculptures survived down in the basement after the fire and were unearthed by recent construction work. Unfortunately, any works that were made of canvas or wood probably didn’t survive. But, the statues are mostly nudes, so we’ve got that going for us.

No pope for atheists!

If you thought the Pope was like the Dalai Lama where he loves everyone, think again! The Pope loves only two kinds of people: Catholics and Catholics that can keep a secret.

During his visit to the United Kingdom, Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech at Holyroodhouse, Edinburgh in which he warned the Queen about how “atheist extremism” leads to “a reductive vision of a person and his destiny” and, ultimately, Nazis.

Yes, the Pope Godwin’d his argument against atheism.

Atheists, of course, are outraged that the perceived voice of a God that does not exist would say such things about them. Oh well.

Arizona kills Home EKKKonomics classes

In yet another reactionary move against an imagined enemy, Arizona has passed a new bill, this time to ban “schools from teaching classes that are designed for students of a particular ethnic group, promote resentment or advocate ethnic solidarity over treating pupils as individuals.”

So, that should remove the following classes from Arizona schools:

1) Any language class. English? Spanish? French? They all sound like an insidious attempt to change the way we think, starting with the voice in our heads. Plus, we all know that the native speakers typically take these courses because they’re an easy A … well, except English.

2) American History. Oh, so we’re only going to learn about Americans, eh? Let’s look at the section on World War II–just as we thought! Anti-Nazi biases! And just where are the sections about famous Asian-American philosophers?

3) Lunch. The spice levels of cafeteria food are clearly set for a Caucasian digestive tract.

4) Physical Education. We’re OK with keeping PE if they don’t teach basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Basically, they just need to teach non-team sports that the white kids can excel at while encouraging their individuality.

Arizona: where passing unenforceable laws is OK, so long as they can convince Mexicans to move along.

Rise, my cake

Chancellor Palpatine Emperor Palpatine Pope Benedict XVI recently turned a whopping 83 years old. At his birthday party, he was given a large cake and had “Happy Birthday” sung to him in English. Because, you know, the Catholic Church has never had issues with small children and Benedict has never had any possible ties to the German Nazi party or movement. Never.

We can only assume that each candle (all 83 of them) had a tip that resembled a Pope hat. Because that makes us smile.

In other food related news, a hub-bub has been stirred up regarding the irony of KFC’s recent healthy focus campaign for the Susan G. Komen foundation and their release of the Double Down. And yet, there’s another hub-bub that they might want to focus on also. Oh, and SHAMELESS PLUG IS SHAMELESS

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Down under round up

Remember the Sex Party of Australia? Yeah, we know, it’s been a very long time, but they’re back, and they’re back with a vengeance. They’ve now begun reporting that the Australian Classification Board has begun rounding up any material depicting women with less than substantially sized breasts in adult publications and film-for an immediate banning. Now, we’re not going to just automatically Godwin the ACB, but, well … we do enjoy snickering when the word “titzi” is spoken.

The reason for this discrimination of the A and A- crowd? The ACB feels that this is a way to prevent pedophilia, in a nutshell. To boil it down, they want to make sure people aren’t turned on and getting all sex-crazed over small breasts, and thus are making sure that all the young-looking women must have really large breasts.

Anyone but me see the basic flaw here?

But wait-there’s more! A burglar broke into the house of the Sciascia family and ran off with an iPod and Xbox. One problem: the legs of Papa Sciascia weren’t exactly up to snuff. The solution? 11 year old Rena grabbed dad’s crutch and gave chase. For 500 meters. The police later tracked down the alleged burglar. Rena’s iPod was lost, but her Xbox was found in a bush near the family’s home. The burglar was never named, for obvious reasons of not wanting to die of embarrassment.

The gizzard bag is right beside the venom sac

Raptors get more fearsome all the time. Jurassic Park painted velociraptors as clever, fleet-footed predators, and they may have hunted from trees. Now researchers suspect that their turkey-sized relative had a venomous bite—and other raptors might have it, too.

Researchers at the University of Kansas Natural History Museum have been studying the Sinornithosaurus, the “Chinese bird lizard,” a diminutive relative of the raptor. Closer investigations of the skull reveal that the Sinornithosaurus had snake-like fangs and pockets in the skull that indicate the former presence of glands. Because of the shape of the teeth and the fact that these gland pockets are connected to the teeth through narrow ducts, paleontologists believe that the glands contained venom. The researchers believe that the bird-like dinosaur had a venomous bite, which it used to subdue its prey.

It’s a significant discovery for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it offers more clues as to the origin of venom in snakes and lizards, which likely stems from a common ancestors these animals shared with Sinornithosaurus. It also opens up the possibility that other raptors also had venomous bites. The researchers plan to look more closely at other raptor skulls, especially its close relative, the glider Microraptor, to see if they possess similar features.

We can’t implore science enough to not attempt to bring these creatures back. Jurassic Park proved that we just can’t manage them at all, and that was a fictional movie; how badly do you think real life would be? We’re in war with animals, for Pete’s sake: do you  really think that we’d be effective against these beasts? And what if the Nazis get ahold of T-rexes? Do you want to have a Nazi Tyrannosaurus Rex on your conscience? DO YOU?!!!?

And cue the Downfall parody in 3, 2, 1 …

Scientists have discovered that the real owner of the famed Fuhrer’s skull is actually female, making everyone ask:

Wait for it.

Keep waiting.

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM! What really happened to Hitler?

DNA analysis on the skull fragment thought to belong to one Adolf Hitler performed at the University of Connecticut has proven that it came from a female aged anywhere between 20 and 40 years of age, despite being found in what was believed to be Hitler’s grave.

What was previously believed to be Hitler’s corpse was cremated by the KGB in 1970, meaning that there’s no real way of verifying whether this skull fragment was simply misidentified or whether the corpse, in fact, didn’t belong to Hitler in the first place. But with the skull fragmented and thus discredited, let the conspiracy theorists run wild!

Conspiracy theory number 1: Hitler was actually Girl Hitler.

Welche erstaunlichen Energien er hat

Recently, a German teenager was hit by a meteorite. Despite what you may think, the sky is not falling, though Michael Bay may have been passing through town that day; however, we’re not out of the clear, as there’re still a few things to take into consideration.

  • Best case scenario: The boy is now infused with powers and decides to help and aid humanity.
  • Bad case scenario: The boy is infused with powers. Unfortunately, being a teenager, he knows not of right from wrong, and as such, he crushes the planet beneath his boot-heel.
  • Worst case scenario: The boy is infused with powers … and is a Nazi. Not only does this article get Godwin’d, but he decides to crush all the unclean for the master race. We’re boned.
  • Worstest case scenario: The boy is infused with powers and becomes Meteor Man. As in, the Robert Townsend movie Meteor Man. We are all super-boned.