Someone bought Hitler’s underwear for some reason

Hitler’s underwear went on the auction block last week and you missed out on it–unless of course you’re the highest bidder.

An auction house in Maryland sold a pair of Adolf Hitler’s underwear, fetching $6,737. The monogrammed white boxers were said to have been left at an Austrian hotel after the Nazi leader stayed there in 1938. The hotel owner’s grandson sold the weird item.

Some readers may recall that Eva Braun’s panties were auctioned off just last year. Turns out both pairs of Nazi underwear were sold at the same auction house, Alexander Historical Auctions.

So if you’ve got some creepy OG Nazi stuff you want to unload (and alt right rallies show the market is hot right now), apparently Maryland is open for business.

ESPN removes Robert Lee from calling UVA game

Historians agree that Robert E. Lee could not call a game to save his life.

ESPN is known for making terrible decisions, from apology tours for rapist athletes, to hyping a guy who is mediocre at two sports because he’s a Christian, to talking about ball inflation for a year because they don’t want to cover hockey. But like all great innovators, ESPN has found a way to top itself.

It was announced late last night, under the cover of darkness, that announcer Robert Lee would be removed from calling the University of Virginia football team’s home opener. The supposed reasoning behind it is that Lee’s name is too similar to Confederate General Robert E. Lee, whose statue white supremacists neo-Nazis the KKK a group of free speech enthusiasts (who happened to all be angry white dudes but are surely fine people) held a deadly rally for in Charlottesville earlier this month. Robert E. Lee, of course, fought a war over free speech.

Broadcaster Robert Lee, however, isn’t the same person. As far as we know, they are in no way related, either. Finally, both the white supremacists and the people they want murdered en masse can agree on an issue.

You Missed It: Canberra calling edition

A diplomatic incident with Australia? ‘Simpsons’ did it!

I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.

Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.

Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?

You Missed It: No alternative edition

I may post this every week.

Richard Spencer, the alt-right leader who probably only watches the first half of American History X, got punched in the face at an anti-fascist protest last week. This set off a debate over whether it is OK to hit a Nazi. But that’s not really the important question. To me, it’s like videos were guys get hit in the nuts. I believe that guys have a right not to get hit in the nuts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh or watch it on repeat when it happens. If you were busy winning the AFC championship this week, odds are you missed it.

Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data this week. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.

Say, what’s science up to?
It was announced this week that scientists successfully grew pig embryos that contained human stem cells. You fools, now we’re just a step away from creating ManBearPig!

The horror, the horror
Francis Ford Coppola announced this week that he was launching a Kickstarter campaign to create a video game based on his classic Apocalypse Now. For this one, I’m going to go lightning round. Ready? I wanted a video game, and for my sins the gave me one. In one level you are forced to choose between surfing and fighting. You understand, the game does not exist, it will never exist. In the virtual reality versions of the game, you will be able to smell napalm, morning, noon or night.

Drunk with power: Nazi booze found in Germany

If owning Eva Braun’s panties isn’t for you, perhaps you’d like some Nazi hootch.

A restauranteur is claiming to have found secret cellar holding cognac and champagne that belonged to Adolf Hitler and his staff. Silvio Stelzer says that the booze was moved out of Berlin in 1944 for safer storage in a palace in Dresden, and they sat there until now.

We’re not going to judge you for wanting to taste some fancy booze that’s been mellowing for the better part of a century, but the fact that Nazis owned it should affect its taste somehow.

The World War II on Animals

Did you know that during World War II, two German farmers, who happened to be brothers and Nazis, tried to breed an extinct type of cattle called the auroch? It’s true. The auroch was a symbol of the Aryan movement or something. They failed, but they created a new type of cow.

A British farmer, we won’t guess his politics, has maintained a small herd of the ubercow, but was forced to cull seven of them because they were too aggressive and put his staff’s lives in danger. Yes, even Nazi cows are aggressive.

Folks, we all know that Nazism is wrong. And Chick-Fil-A commercials have taught us that cows are dirty tricksters. Nazi cows must be stopped at all cows. The Guys want to see some D-Day veterans given the honor of culling the rest of the herd, to save civilization once again.

No pope for atheists!

If you thought the Pope was like the Dalai Lama where he loves everyone, think again! The Pope loves only two kinds of people: Catholics and Catholics that can keep a secret.

During his visit to the United Kingdom, Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech at Holyroodhouse, Edinburgh in which he warned the Queen about how “atheist extremism” leads to “a reductive vision of a person and his destiny” and, ultimately, Nazis.

Yes, the Pope Godwin’d his argument against atheism.

Atheists, of course, are outraged that the perceived voice of a God that does not exist would say such things about them. Oh well.

You know who else supported highways?

The Neo-Nazis may be cleaning up a town near you!

Did that just send chills down your spine? Then shame on you, because at least one branch of America’s Nazi Party has adopted a 1 mile stretch of highway in a Denver suburb.

It’s a win-win situation.

As Doug Neal, the group’s spokesfuhrer, put it, they’ll be seen “doing good things,” much like the sentiment of Hitler “doing good things” for Germany before those things were overshadowed by trifles like genocide and waging a war of global domination.

And, the suburb is allegedly relieved since the previous highway clean-up was performed by members of the Aryan Brotherhood from the local prison. At least these Nazis aren’t convicted felons, right?

You know who else had a wishlist?

One of 31 albums of artwork that Adolf Hitler wanted will be returned to Germany in January. The album is a collection of photographs of artwork that Hitler hoped to collect for his Führermuseum in Linz, Austria.

The album was taken by John Pistone at the end of World War II when he entered Hitler’s home in the Bavarian Alps in 1945, which is surprising when you consider that of all the souvenirs he could have grabbed–weapons, uniforms or cloning vials–he choose a 12-pound picture book.

You Missed It: Caught in a pickle edition

Sometimes at the end of the week I find it hard to concentrate. But this Friday is harder than most. You see, I was at one of those Windows 7 launch parties last night, and let me tell you, it was wild. I am so hung over I am considering never drinking and downloading an operating system ever again. Let’s just say my stomach has uploaded several times. If you were busy flying past your airport this week, odds are you missed it.

The only baseball suspension that doesn’t involve steroids
Steve Phillips works at ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight,” but baseball wasn’t the only night activity he had, and now it’s lead to his suspension. Phillips, 46, had an affair with Brooke Hundley, a 22-year old coworker. It wasn’t even his first affair, but what happened this time was he had the mistake of dating a crazy person who left angry notes on his front door and put an ad on Craigslist offering $50 to harass his wife. Getting called out at home is never fun.

Earhart is still missing
The movie Amelia opens today, amid less than stellar reviews. Critics say the lines are terrible, there is little character development, and the dude who plays Amelia Earhart doesn’t even look like her. Personally, I’d like to see Charles Lindbergh’s life get made into a movie. Not only is there a kidnapping, but there are Nazis, too!

Bada-bing
A Sicilian builder serving a term on house arrest for dumping hazardous waste asked to be transferred back to prison to finish the rest of his sentence in prison. The reason: he wanted to get away from arguments with his wife. I–I don’t know what to say. There’s no punchline for this one. It really happened.