You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Fool’s gold edition

Lochte also complained that the medals didn't have chocolate inside of them.
Lochte also complained that the medals didn’t have chocolate inside of them.

I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.

What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.

Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.

Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.

You Missed It: Women’s events edition

And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you're sexist.
And if you see these women as anything other than athletes, you’re sexist.

At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.

Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?

Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.

Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.

You Missed It: Fat pants edition

Pictured: The Quizno's diet.
Pictured: The Quizno’s diet.

Despite the thousands of songs trying to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty glad I don’t live in California. The state is constantly under threat of wildfires, earthquakes, smog, and now there’s a huge drought. Years of little rain has put California in a water emergency, and Tom Selleck got shamed for stealing water from a fire hydrant. Best of all, a P.I. was the one who caught him. If you were busy winning the World Cup this week, odds are you missed it.

Subway apparently grosser than we thought
This week, Subway put its relationship with longtime spokesman Jared Fogle on hold after police searched his home in relation to the former head of his nonprofit was arrest on child pornography charges. In addition, Fogle was cut out of the upcoming Sharknado 3. Worst of all, the NCAA has vacated all of Subway’s wins going back to 1999.

Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced this week of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turns to a dancer she’s hanging out with and says “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions this week, but it’s too soon to know if people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.

Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers are surging among Republicans early in the primary season. People seem to be surprised by this, and I don’t understand why. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters will turn on him is if he says he doesn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.

Good thing the NFL kept cameras out of the bathroom

Even though the NFL kept its promise to keep Madonna dressed, the Parents Television Council is up-in-arms because of a bird. NBC censored British singer M.I.A.’s international diplomacy — you know, the finger? — but, it was a half-second too late for the steely gaze of the PTC, who can spot a nipple through a metal doily from a wide-out crane shot.

The PTC had no problem with the rest of Madonna’s show where she outgayed the gayest gay that ever gayed. Clearly, this is both a victory for and challenge to the gay community if they can’t offend America’s scrappiest PTA anymore.

Take it from Snee: Your ‘Community’ needs you

There are very few shows I would say that I love on television. Doctor Who, of course is one. The Colbert Report goes without saying (even though I just did). But, then there’s Community.

Maybe it’s because I briefly went to a community college that has since scrubbed the Internet of a commercial that claimed the “n” in their name is for “knowledge,” Troy and Abed’s belief that they are the stars of their own reality, or Allison Brie, but I found it hard to believe that everyone isn’t watching this show. In fact, so few are watching that NBC is taking the early steps that almost always lead to cancellation of what could be the smartest comedy since Sports Night, only actually funny.

Look. I know I ask a lot out of my readers (see my Movember update at the end), but that’s only because I assume that if you’re reading this, then you enjoy going out of your way for reheated jokes from my twitter account, which means you’re OK with working for your comedy. This time, I’m asking you to watch Community, just once, and see if you don’t fall in love with it for the same reasons I did. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your ‘Community’ needs you

MasterChugs Theater: “It’s a Wonderful Life”

Every year around Christmas, there are two stories guaranteed to show up somewhere, sometime on television: A Christmas Carol and It’s a Wonderful Life. After its copyright was inexplicably not renewed in 1974 and the film tumbled into the public domain, the film could be found on the air literally dozens of times every holiday season, with versions as varied as crisp, black- and-white prints to murky, colorized bastardizations. Only when NBC obtained exclusive rights to the film, has the Christmastime tide of broadcasts been stemmed.

There’s no doubt that It’s a Wonderful Life is one of today’s most popular Christmas films, easily surpassing other favorites such as A Miracle on 34th Street and the aforementioned A Christmas Carol/Scrooge. Contrary to common belief, it was not an immediate hit, nor was it a complete critical and popular failure. Back in 1946-47, It’s a Wonderful Life received mixed reviews, and although nominated for five Academy Awards, the movie was shut out at the ceremony. And, despite Frank Capra’s popularity at the box office, it barely made back its cost.

In fact, it was the expiration of It’s a Wonderful Life‘s copyright that transformed it into a Christmas staple. Once the film began showing with such frequency during the month of December, a whole new generation of movie-lovers discovered (and fell in love with) the previously-obscure release. Critics of the ’70s and ’80s took a look at the movie, and the reviews were almost unanimously positive. It’s a Wonderful Life achieved its deserved recognition, albeit four decades after it was first released.

So it’s got that going for it. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: “It’s a Wonderful Life”

You Missed It: It does a body good edition

You know how it’s the post-holiday season and it’s January, cold and sucky? Well, it’s also nearly Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Which for some people means a long weekend! This, after all, was one of his most famous speech lines, “I have a dream, that one day, the federal government and stock exchanges of this great nation will have the Monday off that is closest to my birthday. I have a dream!” If you were busy blaming voodoo for the Haitian earthquake, odds are you missed it.

So it wasn’t milk after all
To the surprise of literally no one anywhere, former St. Louis Cardinals (of baseball) slugger Mark McGwire admitted he used steroids during his 1998 run to break Roger Maris’ single-season home run record. He cried on television, probably because he was on the female hormone side of the cycle at that point, and said he wished he was never a part of the steroid era in baseball. Unfortunately, he forgot he was the poster child for it. Because he admitted to using illegal drugs, McGwire was promptly arrested and put in jail.

What’s going to happen to Max Weinberg?
NBC’s late night schedule is in flux, yet again. This time, they are canceling the failure that is the Jay Leno Show and moving him back to the Tonight Show, after Tonight host Conan O’Brien said he would not be willing to move the show to 12:05 a.m. to make room for Leno in his old time slot. The LenO’Brien (TM) situation got worse this week after both hosts made a mockery of NBC for the situation. And every other network’s late night hosts focused their displeasure on Leno, who is medically, a bag of douche.

The big, lonely Oval Office
In a recent interview with CBS News, President Barack Obama said he’s very lonely serving as president, because he is alone in his responsibilities and he is separated from regular people because of his office. Loneliness? This man needs some tips from a certain former president.

You Missed It: Pay to play edition

Yeah yeah, so You Missed It has been gone for a while, but you should know that your favorite Friday early-afternoon feature just can’t quit you. In fact, you could even say that You Missed It missed you. (So does that mean that you missed you as well? Forget it.)

Moving right along, we’re backfor this week and next, then we’ll see you in 2009. If you were busy telling humans that they are going to destroy the planet, odds are you missed it.

Corruption? In illinois? Go on!
Illinois Gov. Rod “The Rod” Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI this week in connection with corruption charges, the most notable of which was the alleged attempt to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s vacated seat in the U.S. Senate. Just a day prior to his arrest, Blagojevich told local media he was aware of people listening in on his phone calls, including the Chicago Tribune, and challenged them to listen away. It’s nice to see that 2008 has marked a return to scandals we can understand, you know, sex and corruption.

Buy American, that way we don’t have to just take your money from you
The Big Three auto makers (we call them auto makers because it’s the only time we use the word “auto” anymore) plead their cases to Congress, and the message was received–in the House, anyway. A measure to approve the bailout was pretty much derailed in the Senate on Friday, leading the White House to say it would consider funding the bailout. No one has had the heart to tell President George Bush he doesn’t control the money.

Stay tuned for The Late Show
It was announced this week that retiring Late Show host Jay Leno will be starting up a new show on NBC in the 10 p.m. slot. The show would likely be along the lines of his current show, which a topical talk show format. This move is being seen as bold, because it assumes anyone is still watching NBC at 10 p.m. on week nights. In other news Conan O’Brien will be on at 11 when the change is made, which is fine, but that means the nation is in danger of ending its days with Carson Daly.

But just think of his ideas in marketing

Barely legal smut master Joe Francis has been ixnayed from the next version of Celebrity Apprentice because the sponsors don’t want him associating with classy and respectable citizens like Donald Trump. Which is totally and perfectly understandle. I mean, reality television is nothing if not classy, you know.