Finally, somebody stands up for child rape

But you can't hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
“But you can’t hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!”

Pennsylvania Governor Bill Corbett filed a lawsuit against the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State. The school received a $60 million fine, a four year bowl game ban and limited scholarships for, according to a report by former FBI director Louis Freeh, failing to disclose Jerry Sandusky’s shower fun times with children since they first became aware of it back in 1998.

Gov. Corbett, who served on the Penn State Board of Trustees back when the scandal broke, reviewed the NCAA’s bylaws and alleged that the college sports association overstepped its boundaries:

“Corbett’s spokesman, Kevin Harley, said Corbett came to believe the NCAA had overstepped its bounds and had not followed its bylaws, which limited sanctions to infractions relating to recruitment, academics, and football.”

See? Nothing about molesting children, so it’s OK when your school profits from it.

Turns out you CAN put a price on former glory

Pictured: The real man behind the lawsuit.A class action lawsuit filed by former college athletes against the NCAA and Electronic Arts (EA), the former evil empire of video games, focuses on the potential unlawful use of athletes’ likenesses without their consent. The case, filed by former Nebraska and Arizona State quarterback Sam Keller and former UCLA basketball player Ed O’Bannon, is now a couple of years old, but the judge has already said that if rights were violated, EA could be paying big damages.

How big? Try a quarter of EA’s annual revenue, or approximately $1 billion. The geniuses at USA Today did some fancy math, but to boil it down, it comes out to the law saying that the players can get $1,000 a likeness. Add up all the players (3,630), games, and then triple it thanks to a statute that says that it can be trebled if the violation was “knowing, willful or intentional,” and you’ve got about $1 billion that EA could have to shell out.

EA has argued that it has a First Amendment right to use the players likenesses. They just might need all of the amendments and then some.

So what does that make UNC?

God’s Gift Achiuwa is an actual name of a person.

God’s Gift Achiuwa is a basketball player, and thus not an alias for Cam Newton.

Most importantly though, God’s Gift Achiuwa will be playing for St. John’s University.

A former juco player, Achiuwa has committed to the Red Storm for next season. He apparently chose the school of Washington and Cincinnati. Luckily, the punctuation is in his first name (sort of?) rather than his last name, so don’t worry too hard about that people that make the jerseys!

Mind you, this isn’t that big of a news item, as, much like Cincinnati, Georgetown and most other teams in the Big East, the day that SJU plays a game in the NCAA Tournament is more often than not the day that God rested.

You Missed It: The Devil’s due edition

You can smell it in the air, can’t you? It’s the smell of hot dogs, freshly cut grass, beer, and vomit. Yes, baseball season is here once again. It’s time to break out the tar, scratch yourself and spit often and for no apparent reason. If you were busy massacring The Beatles’ best work this week, odds are you missed it.

The end of March Craziness
In a case of David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil, Justice vs. Crime, Black vs. White, On vs. Off, Up vs. Down and Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, Butler and Duke squared off in the NCAA men’s basketball final. Missing a buzzer-beater and down by two points, Butler fell to Duke, a decision that pleased virtually no one. In other news, someone beat someone else in women’s basketball the other day.

Don’t mess with the perks of a job
Working at a brewery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, just ask the staff at Carlsberg. Warehouse workers and truck drivers are on strike for the second day in a row. Why? It’s not because of a wage cut, or a mandate for longer hours. No, the bastards are ending their free beer policy. And this, Republicans, is why we have unions.

It took three days–seriously
A man in Oregon beat the world record for points in the video game “Asteroids” during a webcast attempt. We know what you’re thinking. Yes, ladies. He’s still available.

You Missed It: Socialized hyperbole edition

Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.

You got health care in my government

Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”

The games will continue

March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.

Someone’s not living up to their title

A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?

You Missed It: Spread of insanity edition

If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.

Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.

Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.

There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!

Eat My Sports: Curses

Now who is paranoid?

After nearly a century of talking about some curse by some fat guy named “Babe” who had a candy bar, the 2004 edition of the Boston Red Sox ended all talk about curses. The 2007 guys made sure that the thought of any such nonsense was definitely put to bed.

Now baby Hank Steinbrenner is upset because a construction worker (oddly enough, who was from the Bronx) added a David Ortiz jersey to the foundation of the new Yankee stadium in order to try and curse the team. So, when construction workers are trying to place a paranormal curse on your new building, who you gonna call? Continue reading Eat My Sports: Curses