Live free or *burp* die

Americans love beer, although, not as much as we used to. Still, as a country we value cracking open a couple and watching the game. Or cracking open a couple and relaxing on the beach. Or cracking open a couple and complaining about our spouse or boss to anyone within earshot. We like beer. But which state likes beer the most?

According to recent data, New Hampshire likes beer the most, drinking some 40.6 gallons per capita. The Midwest dominates the rest of the top five, with Montana at 39.4, North Dakota at 38.3, South Dakota at 38.2, and Wisconsin at 34.3. Maine comes in sixth at 33.8, Nebraska at 33.3, Nevada at 32.9, Vermont at 32.8, and Texas at 31.8.

At the time this data was collected all of The Guys lived in Virginia. So we promise you we’ll try harder to represent our great state for next year’s stats.

Perhaps this case goes all the way to the high court?

Frank Shoemaker, a Nebraskan attorney, really wants his state to legalize marijuana. Frank’s sponsored a petition drive to make legalization a state ballot issue. But, when he tried to take his message to the streets with a vanity license plate, the DMV refused, and now he’s fighting The Man (who is a woman named Beverly Neth) in court.

All Frank wanted was a license plate that said, “NE 420,” but Neth wouldn’t give it to him. She believes the plate could mean anything, from “Adolf Hitler, who was born on April 20, 1889” to “the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado, which took place on April 20, 1999.” Or, as Neth initially said, it could be about promoting marijuana use, an illegal drug in the state … unless:

  • Unless Frank Shoemaker gets his license plate …
  • And enough petition signatures …
  • And enough votes to pass his ballot measure.

What the DMV’s saying is: it’s a slippery slope.

Warrior of the Week: John in Colorado

Everyone loves the stereotypical concept of guns in Texas, in that if someone comes into your house, they’re a dead person. But what happens when the land becomes not Texas, but Colorado? And the intruder is not human, but a bear?

According to some wildlife authorities (a position which we scoff at, mind you), that person is a criminal.

This is bull-honky!

John in Colorado is a man that just wants to live in his cabin. He successfully put down an intruder (of the furry kind!) that could have been thieving and disease-ridden at best, murderous at worst! And what’s the reward he’s given? Potentially having charges filed against him. Well John, we may not know your last name, or even if John is your first name, but we will say this: in our eyes, you’re no criminal. You’re our Warrior of the Week, and you earned it.

Turns out you CAN put a price on former glory

Pictured: The real man behind the lawsuit.A class action lawsuit filed by former college athletes against the NCAA and Electronic Arts (EA), the former evil empire of video games, focuses on the potential unlawful use of athletes’ likenesses without their consent. The case, filed by former Nebraska and Arizona State quarterback Sam Keller and former UCLA basketball player Ed O’Bannon, is now a couple of years old, but the judge has already said that if rights were violated, EA could be paying big damages.

How big? Try a quarter of EA’s annual revenue, or approximately $1 billion. The geniuses at USA Today did some fancy math, but to boil it down, it comes out to the law saying that the players can get $1,000 a likeness. Add up all the players (3,630), games, and then triple it thanks to a statute that says that it can be trebled if the violation was “knowing, willful or intentional,” and you’ve got about $1 billion that EA could have to shell out.

EA has argued that it has a First Amendment right to use the players likenesses. They just might need all of the amendments and then some.

Lincoln sees eight legs of terror but two fangs of death

Quick riddle: what’s got enough power to kill a person, is nothing but an inch long at most and loves to live where people are? Why, it’s the brown recluse spider that’s infested the Nebraska Vocational Rehabilitation Office in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Now, take that joke and multiply by approximately a gazillion.

Yes, it’s spiders gone wild down in Nebraska’s capital city. Workers in the office have valiantly been doing their part by killing hundreds of the arachnid terrorists, but sadly, it’s just not enough. Experts suspect that many of them are surviving simply by living in underground colonies.

What they do in their underground colonies, we may never know, but we can suspect a few things:

  • At least one of them is video taping plenty of messages to his fellow spiders.
  • Said leader may or may not have a “hide-out beard.”
  • Fornication between the spiders is a strong possibility.
  • Any act taking place in these underground colonies is evil.

Sadly, we can only speculate about the truth regarding what actually happens, because if we truly knew what went down in those dark, dank lairs of evil, it might shatter our entire world.

We’ve already seen one attack on our government offices this month alone. How many more will it take to end this threat, America?!

Heavenly legal team off the hook

They say in America you can sue anyone for anything. But its seems that now has its limits, because you can only sue people whom you can find and serve.

God can’t be sued, because you don’t have his address, a court ruled last week. Nebraska state Senator Ernie Chambers filed the suit because he has too much free time on his hands in hopes of getting a permanent injunction against God and all bad things he does to the U.S. We can only assume this idea was hatched after Hurricane Katrina, which we hear devastated Nebraska.

Chambers argued that the defendant did not have to be served, because God knows everything, and therefor knew about the lawsuit. The court apparently thinks God is stupid, because it rejected the argument. We here at SG believe that the case, as every other, should have its day in court. But then again, we’ve already seen this movie. The tape recorder doesn’t pick up a voice.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.