The other day I got an email from Yahoo telling me it’s time to renew the fantasy football league I run. Yahoo, and football, and f&#$ off. It’s April, this is not football time. This is baseball time. This is playoff hockey time. Yes, it’s even playoff basketball time. I don’t care about the NFL season schedule’s release. I don’t care about the NFL draft. Football can some find me in August. Until then, it can go back to sweeping scandals under the rug. If you were busy complaining about how hard it is being president this week, odds are you missed it.
For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.
It’s never OK to joke about suicide
This week, the Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.
Airline kills bunny
United Airlines’ PR turbulence continues this week when a breeder reported that a giant rabbit died on a United flight from the U.K. to Chicago. The airline apologized for the incident, and sent its condolences to the owner, but said the rabbit refused to give up its seat, and authorities had to step in.
Technology has shaped the modern world, and it has brought us a golden age of entertainment. But these technological advancements come with a steep price. “Netflix and chill” might be a lie, it turns out.
According to a new study, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. In fact, if you’re married, you’re in the biggest sexual rut of your life. (We’re not saying it, science is saying it.) In 1990, American married couples had sex an average of 73 times a year, but that dropped to just 55 times a year in 2014. Among the reasons for this decline in sexual activity researchers blamed were on-demand entertainment, such as your DVR, Netflix or even YouTube. Because we’re not as bored at night, we’re no longer turning to our spouses for entertainment.
Also listed as a C-block was having children. Parents are having kids later in life these days, and taking care of young kids really kills the mood.
For the past several years, my wife and I have gone to an Oscars viewing party hosted by friends. We all fill our ballots and eat and drink. The hosts are huge into movies, and have usually seen most, if not all, of the movies up for an award–even the foreign ones and animated shorts, which no one ever sees.
It reminds me that I haven’t seen that many movies, which I was already clear about this year. But it also reminds me that the show isn’t really for me, it’s for the cinephiles like them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing in theory. But take into account that ratings really sucked last night, which means we’re watching other things. We’re bored by award shows.
We like to blame networks for not showing us more of the shows we love, like Firefly, Arrested Development and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. But — show of hands and, yes, I can see you — how many of us watched these shows when they originally aired? And now, how many saw them for the first time on box sets or Netflix just to shut up our TV activist friends? (You know: the ones that probably foisted “loaned” the discs on you in the first place and kept asking if you’d watched them yet even though they’ll probably never watch Angel again.)
That’s what I thought.
Fortunately, it looks like Netflix is in the business of delivering on bringing back certain shows based on their popularity and relative non-deadness of their casts.
Here’s a sign I’m no longer a kid: I’m not really that excited about the launch of the Playstation 4 and Xbox One. I really like my Xbox 360, and my Xbox before that. I got a lot of use out of them, though these days I seem to use my console more for Netflix than playing games. But I really don’t feel the need to rush out and get one of the new consoles. I will eventually upgrade, of course, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for another year or so, when the prices drop a couple hundred dollars. What happened to me? I used to be cool. I used to save up my money so I could get a new system and play all the newest games. I used to be someone, now I just have bills. If you were busy trying to fix the Obamacare website this week, odds are you missed it.
The joke only he gets
This week, Michael Kaufman, brother of Andy, the famous and weird comedian, said that he believed his brother had faked his own death, and is somewhere alive today. He said he had a letter from Kaufman written years after his death, and a woman who claimed to be his daughter, born after he died. Days later, Michael said he no longer believed that his brother was alive, and that it was all a hoax. This could be the last time in history that a false rumor this big did not start on Twitter.
He’s a well-fed man
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford somehow managed to top his performance last week. He put down his crack pipe and admitted in various interviews and public statements that he purchased illegal drugs while in office, and denied that an “escort” he was seen with was anything other than a family friend. He even yelled sexual obscenities at to the media during a live press conference. Let’s just say he denied allegations that he was hungry. Does Ford have a new album dropping soon or something?
The next time you’re at a library, wear protection. Two Belgian professors decided to run toxicology tests on the 10 most popular books at their local library. They found that Fifty Shades of Grey had traces of the herpes virus on it, though not enough for someone to catch it. They also found that all 10 books tested positive for cocaine. In fact, there was so much cocaine that readers might be able to feel the effects through contact with the books. Rob Ford is an avid reader.
There’s regular adultery. There’s emotional and mental adultery. And thanks to the power of streaming media, there’s now Netflix adultery: committing the monstrous act of watching episodes of a show before watching it with a spouse as promised.
Of those who cheated, 66 percent did so “at home by themselves on the main TV.” A shocking 21 percent confessed to watching in bed while their significant other slept. (This is my modus operandi, and it is shameful.) Forty-one percent of cheaters refrained from revealing spoilers; 12 percent would rewatch and “fake it” in their reactions; 14 percent felt so guilty they confessed to cheating.
Watching it in bed while the partner sleeps? Faking it? Slatterns, harlots and strumpets, all of them.
By this time next week, the fourth season of Arrested Development will have been released by Netflix, and no doubt watched and rewatched by the show’s legions of fans. Hopefully, it will also pick up some new fans, ones that weren’t old enough to get it or just didn’t have it on their radar seven years ago. Anyone who has watched the buzz grow in recent weeks can have no doubt that the crescendo is close.
Netflix has certainly proven it is capable of creating, fostering, producing, pimping and delivering a solid television series–certainly more so than in 2011, when the deal was announced. The company has launched several shows, but the only one worth any serious mention is House of Cards, which demonstrated that a streaming media service can match the storytelling style of HBO, if only for a few fleeting weeks. But Arrested Development is nowhere near as tough of an assignment. All they have to do is let their people work, and it appears they have.
For those with Netflix (and if you don’t have it, then shame on you, and shame on me for my completely unsolicited plug), Iron Man 2 will soon be available to watch streaming. This is something to keep in mind, as there are worst ways to kill time. But should you put at the top of your queue, or should you just meander around to it? Hit the jump button to find out. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Iron Man 2’