Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.
Professional basketball player and Kardashian-by-association, Lamar Odom was reportedly found collapsed in a Nevada brothel, allegedly with cocaine and “herbal Viagra” in his system. So, now we know why there are so many of those “b1gger member5 w(n)ow” emails from h0rny Go@t 2de in our spam email folder: because they worked on Lamar Odom.
The War on Drugs and the War on Animals have a rare meeting in this one.
The Nevada state legislature is considering allowing you to get your pets high. A state senator introduced an amendment to a larger bill, that essentially means your pet can have pot, you know, for “medicinal purposes.”
Folks, weakening our animal foes with vice is one thing, but pets are a different category. Our pets are lazy as it is. And you think your dog chews up everything in the house now? Just wait until Fido’s got the munchies. How are you even going to feed them this stuff? Have you ever tried to give a cat any medication? And you know you can’t give dogs brownies.
For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.
According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.
The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.
It’s been a long and arduous search, but ladies and gentlemen, we did it. From the honkiest sections of Idaho to the meth-filled sections of Florida, we’ve finally pinpointed the lamest adults ever. Those that forgot their time as kids, those that pimped out their childhood, those that sold out their memories.
We don’t like animals. We certainly don’t like animals when they threaten the lives of citizens around the world. And let me tell you what: we definitely don’t like animals that think they’re allowed to gamble.
Not just with the lives of human beings, but with legal tender.
No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar: clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.
“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”
Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.
Look, folks. Las Vegas isn’t just some other desert city formed by gangsters for legal gambling and prostitution. It’s a city with feelings. To imply that it’s expensive to stay in a hotel shaped like a giant pyramid, drink $10 cocktails all night, get married and divorced within 24 hours and lose your girlfriend in a high stakes poker match–as they advertise–is just plain mean.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.
I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.
“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”
The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.
I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.
They say that some of the herd is being rounded up because the area can’t support so many horses, but we know what’s really going on. Those horses have run free for far too long. It’s time we tame them, subjugate them and pump them for information. Now, if The Guys can volunteer to shoot tanquilizers at the horses from a helicopter, we’re ready to sign up.