It’s the Thursday before the Super Bowl, which means we’re on the home stretch of awful and stupid stories trying to fill the void of the two weeks leading up to the big game. Just hang in there for a few more days and it will all be behind us.
But until then, let’s talk about stupid things. For example, did you know that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will eat enough wings to circle the Earth three times over? Estimates are that 1.35 billion wings will be consumed on that highest of high holy days. And you just know that some of those will be boneless, because America isn’t strong anymore.
You know what? Let’s just watch that Eagles fan run into the pillar in the subway again.
Hurry up, Sunday.
Actor Patrick Swayze is dead. That’s the bad news. The good news is that he had the time of his life, and he owes it all to Schools.
For that reason, there will be no Eat My Sports this week, as Bryan Schools is in mourning. But fear not, he will be back next week to update you all on the SeriouslyLions, make some picks for the upcoming games, and of course, talk about how amazing Tom Brady and the New England Patriots of Football after their exciting win over the Buffalo Buffaloes last night.
Or maybe he’ll just talk about the fun new hairstyles of football players. We’re only seven days away from finding out the answer!
Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.
The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.
The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4
The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11
Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.
The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,
The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition
In a sad day for fans of booze-related last names, Tedy Bruschi is set to retire from the New England Patriots. Bruschi’s 13-year NFL career was defined by his comeback from a stroke, tenacious defense and the ability to give announcers free reign to make as many beer references as possible during a three hour broadcast. Carlos Boozer could not be reached for comment.
Oh the beginning of the NFL offseason, how it twists every notion you’ve ever had about the league. Some of the moves surprise you, some of them leave you laughing (I’m looking at you Washington) and then some moves just make absolutely no damn sense whatsoever and leave you in search of the nearest granular alcohol. New England Patriots’ fans, the latter should be your move after Saturday’s boneheaded trade that sent Matt Cassel and defensive leader Mike Vrabel to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Obviously the Patriots think Tom “Gisele” Brady will be back 100%. But thinking and knowing are two seperate animals. Example: Britney Spears thinks she’s a whore, but Lindsay Lohan knows it. ACL and MCL surgeries are very tough to come back from, even for Mr. Wonderful, and the Pats may have severly screwed up their long term success if Brady comes back and just isn’t the same. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Matt Cassel holes
Some believe in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), the medical theory that if one does not get enough sunlight, particularly for long periods of time like in the winter, you get depressed and/or irritable. Here we are at the end of February and you know what? I say screw you, SAD, I don’t believe in you! If you were busy winning an Academy Award this week, odds are you missed it.
And the Dow responded with a huge drop
On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama, addressed a joint meeting of Congress. It wasn’t a State of the Union address, the new president just hates Scrubs and everyone who watches it. In any case, during his speech, Obama laid out his plan for economic recovery, which includes not raising taxes for the vast majority of the country, and increased federal funding for projects. Also announced: federally mandated casual Fridays in offices across the U.S.
Brady earns another ring
New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady got married this week. (Sorry, Schools!) Brady and Brazilian model Gisele Bunchen were married in a small ceremony in California. Bunchen’s dogs were present for the ceremony, however, Brady’s kid was not. According to reports, Brady, seeing no passing lanes, sprinted down the aisle and slid before contact could be made.
It’s like Nick is coming right at me!
Have you been eagerly anticipating the Jonas Brothers’ movie? I know Chugs has. Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience is now out in theaters today. According to reviews, it’s, well, the Jonas Brothers, in concert, and in 3D. So yeah, Disney did a good job naming this one. However, there is one big hole, you can get a 3D Jonas Brothers concert experience by going to one of their concerts.
Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.
One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It
Welcome back from the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa break. I would like to tell you how much I missed you, but I’m afraid it might bring me to tears.
Speaking of things that make the entire world sad, the New England Patriots were bounced from the playoffs yesterday because the stupid New York Brett Favres couldn’t get points on the board. The Pats are the first NFL 11-5 team to miss the playoffs since 1985. Nevertheless, QB Matt Cassel did an amazing job of stepping in for the martyred Tom Brady. New England will miss him when he signs with Detroit Minnesota Tampa Bay next season.
Moving on, yet another thing that happened during the break, a guy allegedly shot another guy for talking during a movie. Oddly enough, it happened in Philadelphia.
You’re probably expecting me to go on some tirade about how Philly sucks and people shouldn’t have guns. Wrong. I say give people more guns. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters
I really want to write about the Red Sox this week. That old familiar feeling has come creeping around again, and my boys did it in overly dramatic fashion by finishing off the 100-win Angels with a head-first dive into home plate by Jason Bay. However, I don’t want to tempt fate by calling any of the series this week, so we’ll save it for an Eat My Sports: World Series Edition when the time comes, regardless of if it ends up with a worst case scenario for Fox execs by having a Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia Phillies Fall Classic. For the time being though, Jed Lowrie, you rock, and Bay, just keep on rolling baby. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL
It seems like a lot of Fridays are all about people running away. Mostly, it’s because people are running away to go enjoy the weekend. They don’t care about you or your stupid economy. But we’re always here for you, except when were on vacation. If you were too busy answering questions for Charles Gibson this week, odds are you missed it.
Guess it’s back to knocking up models until next September
On Sunday, in quarter 1 of week 1 of the NFL season, legendary New England quarterback Tom Brady injured his knee against the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, the NFL lost its reigning MVP only a few minutes after his season had started. Wait a minute, this wasn’t supposed to happen! Brady wasn’t on the cover of Madden NFL 09.
The illest of all the dictators
We said it a week ago: if you talk smack about a world leader on your blog, they will read it and take it to heart. Less than a week after we said Kim Jong Il “sucks,” the dictator of the People’s Glorious Worker’s Paradise in the Republic of the Magnificent North Korea was noticeably absent from the country’s 60th anniversary celebration. This is kind of like not showing up to your own party. It has been reported that Kim may have had brain surgery after a recent stroke which was brought on by a deadly capitalist blood clot.
No ‘hike’ until after Ike
Hurricane Ike, currently a Category 2 storm, is on its (his?) way to Texas, after pummeling the Caribbean earlier this week. Galveston, Texas and parts of Houston have been evacuated, as Ike is expected to strengthen before making landfall tonight. The NFL has even postponed the Baltimore Ravens-Houston Texans game until Monday. This means that Ike is easily the worst storm named after a president since–wait, no. This one’s just not working for me. Moving right along ….
Kanye West doesn’t like photographers
And finally, rapper Kanye West made headlines this week, not for his music or his mouth. No, this time actions spoke louder than words. West had landed at LAX airport in Los Angeles only a few minutes before, and the paparazzi was there to greet him. Unfortunately, West did not appear to like it. A video appears to show him attacking two photographers, ripping their cameras out of their hands and smashing them. West was arrested on suspicion of vandalism. West’s spokesman said the flash went through the rapper’s lensless sunglasses, which aggrivated him very much.