Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.
An emu was on the loose in New Hampshire, terrorizing towns for over a week. It turns out that the bird had wandered about 80 miles from the farm in Vermont that it calls home. When the emu, Beatrice, was finally captured by authorities, the owner recognized it. In order to get it home, they put her in the back of a Prius.
Public humiliation is a great way to keep animals in their place.
You would assume that hunting gets more dangerous and sexy based on the dangerousness of the prey. Basically, you progress from hunting ants with a magnifying glass to amphibious anti-air assaults on ducks, eventually graduating to Predator-style hunts of the most dangerous game: man. And somewhere in there, you go mano-a-mano with a bear, Crockett-style.
What nobody tells you, though, is that bear hunting is actually a lazy endeavor involving 90 pounds of chocolate bait — which is about 80 pounds more than you need to hunt premenstrual women.
And we agree. Bear death by chocolate is the most disappointing dénouement for any war — much less the War on Animals — since World War II in Europe when the Nazis covered up Hitler’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation death with a bullet, cyanide and cremation and killing his dogs and girlfriend to eliminate any witnesses.
In a world of gimmick-laden scratch-off lottery tickets, the New Hampshire Lottery has created what might be the ultimate gimmick: a bacon-scented scratch-off ticket. Yes, a scratch and scent scratch-off clearly designed to target the Internet and millennial crowd, the New Hampshire Lottery hopes that the ploy campaign will create new engagement for scoring money.
The I Heart Bacon scratch ticket combines two things people love: the chance to win cash and the wonderful, enticing smell of bacon,” said Charlie McIntyre, executive director of the New Hampshire Lottery Commission.
It has all the benefits of eating bacon (the smell, the taste), except the actual consumption. On the plus side, it also lacks the cons of eating bacon (high cholesterol) … though it hasn’t lost the con of winning money.
Folks, it’s time for the white community to do some soul searching. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about: the Keene Pumpkin Festival in New Hampshire. This past weekend was a terrible one for residents there, as college kids used the event to party and then riot for no reason other than there is nothing else to do in Keene, N.H.
Beers were drank, bottles were thrown, cars were flipped, bros were arrested and riot gear was dawned. An estimated 30 people were injured in the weekend-long riot at what was supposed to be a peaceful and family-friendly gathering of the mostly white population of Keene.
The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy except when he’s stuffed.
This is the battleplan being put into place in Meredith, New Hampshire. As we all know, geese are jerks, straight up. They will attack anyone, anywhere and they’re highly territorial, though owning no territory. Even worse, they’re Canada geese, meaning that for the first time in history, a town in the United States actually is being besieged by a gang of illegal immigrants.
And by jove, it’s working. But it may not work unless the coyotes are moved regularly in order to fool the geese. So if you’re a resident of Meredith, move them around and put some fear into Canada geese.
We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.
The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.
New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.
That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.
Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.
So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.
In New Hampshire, there is currently an ad on Craigslist listing purebred unicorns for sale. While some people are having laughs at it, others are actually giving serious discussion to the listing. Allow me to be as frank and honest as possible about it: everything in the ad is a lie and a fabrication.
FACT: Unicorns do not lay eggs. They spawn via live-birth. Anyone who’s seen their children’s glitter-covered placenta would know this.
FACT: Unicorns are not hand fed from birth, as they don’t consume anything but sweet dreams, inspirational hopes and cookie dust.
FACT: The individuals involved are not the only NUBAA certified breeders. There are a pair in Pawtucket, Rhode Island and one in Los Angeles. There’s also a retired trainer in Warrenton, Virginia.