Finally: a documented instance of voter fraud

It’s been a while since we heard from our old buddy, conservative documentarian and pimp James O’Keefe. It appears he’s no longer required to stay within his home state’s lines as a condition of his probation for an attempted wiretapping, because now he’s under investigation for breaking election laws in New Hampshire.

O’Keefe and his cohorts were caught providing a false name to a poll worker in Manchester. In fact, it was the poll worker’s recently deceased husband. How recent? He died 10 days ago.

O’Keefe is now being investigated by New Hampshire’s Attorney General for video-tapping a poll worker without permission, providing a false name to secure a ballot and the federal crime of crossing state lines to tamper with another state’s election. This is also bad news for O’Keefe because he proved the opposite of what he had hoped: that lax voter ID laws don’t help Democrats commit voter fraud and steal elections.

What’s this all aboot?

When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?

Wrong. Global warming, (for everyone that does believe in it), is beginning to affect maple trees in New England. And by affect, I mean “slowly decreasing the amount that grow.” But only in the New England area, which leads to my earlier comment: Canada’s maple trees are apparently not being affected by global warming.

Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.

To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!


Look, Japan ain’t perfect. Far from it.

However, there is still a line of propriety, though, and a certain New Hampshire politician’s Facebook status update certainly skirted it.

Representative Nick Levasseur went and noted the following on Facebook:

“Anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn’t enough”

This was not a good thing to do on the internet. RIGHTEOUS AND INDIGNANT FURY was (apparently) felt by many and then utilized throughout the numerous series of pipes and tubes that you’re reading this on. Now, does he have a point? Maybe. Possibly. We’re not really sure here at SG HQ, as we tend to lean more towards gaseous weapons rather than those of the nuclear variety (chili + Schools = one less third world country). But there’s a good chance that he possibly should have worded his phrase differently.

It begs the question, though: just how many more nukes would change anime to Levasseur’s liking?

Was it … murder?

The oldest American is dead; long live the oldest American!

Stunning everyone, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray died on Sunday. Ray was the oldest living American and, according to the Gerontology Research Group, the second-oldest living person in the world.

Suspiciously, there is already a new oldest person in America: Neva Morris of Iowa, who just happens to be only three months younger than Ray.

So, the new oldest American is 114-years-old, which means she was running out of time for her own reign … unless Ray was out of the way.

Just where were you on Sunday, Ms. Morris, if that is in fact your name?

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.