No-fun New Jersey outlaws drunk droning

Don’t drink and fly. That’s the message the state of New Jersey has to say to you.

Flying a drone is fun for like three minutes, then it’s just a really noisy and expensive kite you have to watch. Most people would look to alcohol to make such mundane things entertaining again, but New Jerseyans don’t have that luxury any more, thanks to Chris Christie. On his final day in office, Christie signed a bill outlawing the operation of a drone with a BAC of 0.08% or higher.

This is of course a ridiculous law. There is a real threat to public safety for driving under the influence of alcohol, but that threat doesn’t exist with being drunk and flying a drone. The drone itself poses the same amount of danger whether its operator is sober or tipsy. Until the drones themselves are getting drunk before flying, we should keep alcohol and drone flying out of the law books.

17 of Santa’s helpers arrested during bar crawl

It’s nearly Christmas, and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit. You know, peeing in public, punching the face of the cop arresting you, all the traditional holiday stuff.

The streets of Hoboken, New Jersey were a scene of festive chaos over the weekend as a bar crawl called SantaCon came to down. Revelers dressed up like Santa Claus, got drunk, and paraded through town. And like their idol, they got into criminal mischief. Local police said they arrested 17 people during SantaCon. There was public drinking, there was public urination, there were fights. A woman even punched a police officer. Ho ho ho!

Aside from the arrests, a couple dozen Santas ended up in local hospitals. Hopefully they will make it home for Christmas.

Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

War on Easter dealt major blow

Back in March, we told you about a mall Easter Bunny in New Jersey who was arrested after a fight with some mall patrons. Today we’re a step closer to witnessing an Easter miracle.

Authorities have reduced the charges against the Easter Bunny from simple assault to aggravated assault. That means that the giant rabbit, who is known to the courts as Kassim Charles, faces a maximum of six months in prison, whereas before he was looking at serving 5 years.

This means that even if he’s convicted, he’ll be out in plenty of time to bring you your Easter basket next year.

Easter Bunny fights mall patrons

Out of all the holiday-related mascots here in America, the Easter Bunny has to have it the worst. There’s just not a lot of dignity in being a large, pastel-wearing rabbit that brings kids Easter baskets. As far as kids care, Easter is far overshadowed by Christmas. Understandably, the Easter Bunny has a chip on his shoulder. That’s why it’s no surprise that he finally snapped.

At a mall in New Jersey, security had to break up a fight between the Easter Bunny and some customers. Things got heated when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of the chair after having her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. And we can assume that after a heated argument with adults, the hare got into a fight, which was documented in a video on Twitter.

There are still many unanswered questions. Was this the real Easter Bunny, or one of his helpers? Is this a thing now? Do we all have to go see the mall Easter Bunny from here on out? Should we as a society allow this thing with a history of violence into our homes while we sleep?

Bald eagles now mook hawks

Fuggeddaboudit!
“Fuggeddaboudit!”
We don’t like to admit it when we’re losing the War on Animals — unless, of course, it riles our readers up, Fox News-style. But, readers, we are losing the War on Animals when it comes to bald eagles.

America’s national bird — a relic from the old settlement days when we thought claiming animals’ souls would help us defeat them — is bouncing back everywhere. And now they’re even coming back to New Jersey. That’s how complacent they’ve become: they don’t even feel threatened, much less endangered in Newark. (Thanks, Cory Booker.)

So, be on the lookout for mook hawks in the Garden State. They’ll be the ones overcompensating for their baldness with gold chains and by wearing shorts in the winter.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Fish in New Jersey will bite your cojones

Two years ago, a vicious and invasive species fish was found in the waters off Denmark. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s back.

The pacu, a fish at home in South America, has been found in a lake in South Jersey. This species of fish is a particular danger, because it has teeth, and has a powerful bite. What’s worse, they tend to target men’s testicles, thinking them food.

So in case you were planning on going in any water in New Jersey this summer, don’t.

Another successful start via OKCupid!

A man in New Jersey was arrested for allegedly stealing a car … on the first date. The car also belonged to his date. So there’s that.

Gerald Tietz, according to police, met with a woman via OKCupid. Things eventually moved to the date part of their relationship, and after a successful first date, the two made their way to her house.

It should also be pointed out that Tietz was going by not only a different real name on OKCupid, his user name was “The Gooch.”

After making their way to her house, for reasons unknown, Tietz allegedly managed to run off (drive off?) with her car. Eventually, Tietz and the car were spotted and brought into custody.

Maybe next time we avoid people that go by the name of “The Gooch.”

Tax dollars were used to troll

New Jersey has never been known for having a great reputation about … well … anything. Sure, there are some bright spots, but they’re few and far between when it comes to the state that gave us Jon Bon Jovi, the Jersey Shore and a large container for garbage.

And troll cops. Back on Halloween, an officer for the Fort Lee Police Department dressed up in a full Donald Duck costume. He proceeded to give tickets to drivers that didn’t let a six foot tall man in a Disney character costume cross a pedestrian crossing.

Meanwhile, the tax dollars of New Jersey residents were used to buy a very good Donald Duck costume. So there’s that.