Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

War on Easter dealt major blow

Back in March, we told you about a mall Easter Bunny in New Jersey who was arrested after a fight with some mall patrons. Today we’re a step closer to witnessing an Easter miracle.

Authorities have reduced the charges against the Easter Bunny from simple assault to aggravated assault. That means that the giant rabbit, who is known to the courts as Kassim Charles, faces a maximum of six months in prison, whereas before he was looking at serving 5 years.

This means that even if he’s convicted, he’ll be out in plenty of time to bring you your Easter basket next year.

Easter Bunny fights mall patrons

Out of all the holiday-related mascots here in America, the Easter Bunny has to have it the worst. There’s just not a lot of dignity in being a large, pastel-wearing rabbit that brings kids Easter baskets. As far as kids care, Easter is far overshadowed by Christmas. Understandably, the Easter Bunny has a chip on his shoulder. That’s why it’s no surprise that he finally snapped.

At a mall in New Jersey, security had to break up a fight between the Easter Bunny and some customers. Things got heated when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of the chair after having her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. And we can assume that after a heated argument with adults, the hare got into a fight, which was documented in a video on Twitter.

There are still many unanswered questions. Was this the real Easter Bunny, or one of his helpers? Is this a thing now? Do we all have to go see the mall Easter Bunny from here on out? Should we as a society allow this thing with a history of violence into our homes while we sleep?

Bald eagles now mook hawks

Fuggeddaboudit!
“Fuggeddaboudit!”
We don’t like to admit it when we’re losing the War on Animals — unless, of course, it riles our readers up, Fox News-style. But, readers, we are losing the War on Animals when it comes to bald eagles.

America’s national bird — a relic from the old settlement days when we thought claiming animals’ souls would help us defeat them — is bouncing back everywhere. And now they’re even coming back to New Jersey. That’s how complacent they’ve become: they don’t even feel threatened, much less endangered in Newark. (Thanks, Cory Booker.)

So, be on the lookout for mook hawks in the Garden State. They’ll be the ones overcompensating for their baldness with gold chains and by wearing shorts in the winter.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Fish in New Jersey will bite your cojones

Two years ago, a vicious and invasive species fish was found in the waters off Denmark. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s back.

The pacu, a fish at home in South America, has been found in a lake in South Jersey. This species of fish is a particular danger, because it has teeth, and has a powerful bite. What’s worse, they tend to target men’s testicles, thinking them food.

So in case you were planning on going in any water in New Jersey this summer, don’t.

Another successful start via OKCupid!

A man in New Jersey was arrested for allegedly stealing a car … on the first date. The car also belonged to his date. So there’s that.

Gerald Tietz, according to police, met with a woman via OKCupid. Things eventually moved to the date part of their relationship, and after a successful first date, the two made their way to her house.

It should also be pointed out that Tietz was going by not only a different real name on OKCupid, his user name was “The Gooch.”

After making their way to her house, for reasons unknown, Tietz allegedly managed to run off (drive off?) with her car. Eventually, Tietz and the car were spotted and brought into custody.

Maybe next time we avoid people that go by the name of “The Gooch.”

Tax dollars were used to troll

New Jersey has never been known for having a great reputation about … well … anything. Sure, there are some bright spots, but they’re few and far between when it comes to the state that gave us Jon Bon Jovi, the Jersey Shore and a large container for garbage.

And troll cops. Back on Halloween, an officer for the Fort Lee Police Department dressed up in a full Donald Duck costume. He proceeded to give tickets to drivers that didn’t let a six foot tall man in a Disney character costume cross a pedestrian crossing.

Meanwhile, the tax dollars of New Jersey residents were used to buy a very good Donald Duck costume. So there’s that.

You Missed It: Fireworks edition

EAT IT, SEAGULLS!
EAT IT, SEAGULLS!

Why aren’t there any good Halloween songs coming out anymore? I get that “Thriller” may never be topped, but it feels like there’s a market for Halloween songs that just hasn’t been tapped in a long time. We have tons of scary sounding music from scary looking people, but nothing has really seemed to click in decades. Maybe musicians should do Halloween albums, rather than the crap they put out for the holidays. That’s the world I want to live in. If you were busy announcing a bunch of movies this week, odds are you missed it.

Sticking the landing
This week, a commercial rocket carrying supplies and scientific experiments exploded just six seconds into its launch at a NASA facility in Virginia. Officials say that the rocket was terminated when it was clear there was a problem that would keep it from reaching orbit, plus it’s fun to scare the crap out of the local wildlife.

Breaking out during an outbreak
Because of the paranoia surrounding the Ebola virus, there have been various quarantines put in place for any military or health workers coming back from African countries where the outbreak still exists. To protest the forced quarantine she was under in New Jersey, nurse Kaci Hickox made herself into a political pawn. She broke her quarantine, was sent home to Maine, and broke her quarantine there, too. She hasn’t shown symptoms of the virus yet, but karma hasn’t yet been reached for comment.

Pee-Wee Three
After years of talking about it, Paul Reubens announced that a third Pee-Wee Herman movie is in the works. Production is set to start early next year. Fans are excited at the news, because it’s long past time we traumatized the younger generation.

Dumb Jersey bear does a dumb Jersey thing

Bears are quickly becoming even more of a menace than they’ve already been. As you may remember, bears have a slight taste for our food, and even more so, they’ve developed a palette for donuts. And now, they’ve moved onto another delicious food item: cookies.

Except bears are dumb and get their dumb bear heads stuck in cookie jars.

Therein lies the problem: we have too many race traitors. A “concerned citizen” called in the bear being up a tree with its head stuck in the jar, resulting in multiple government services being used on the single event. Stop this! Don’t call it in, let nature run its own course on nature. It just might be worth it to sacrifice our cookies, but we can’t let them be used in vain.