N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.

Somebody doesn’t have to drink because of New Jersey anymore

Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey.
Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey. (Just be sure to wash your hands after handling said miracle.)

If you were drinking to forget you live in New Jersey on Saturday and picked up a Powerball ticket with your booze at the liquor store, then please step forward and collect your $338.3 million!

State lottery officials know that the sole winning ticket was sold on Saturday at Eagle Liquors in Passaic, NJ. But, that winner has yet to show up and collect.

So, if you know anybody who’s still sleeping it off in the Garden State, wake them up with some eggs and bacon. It could be worth a couple of million.

Plausible? Maybe. Scary? Fully.

This is Patricia Krentcil.


She allegedly decided to take her 5 year old daughter into a tanning booth. This resulted in two obvious actions: the child potentially suffering burns and the police arresting Patricia.

Today’s lesson is this: Old, orange and leathery is no way to go through life.

It’s like a plot from Bewitched meets real life

Spec plot synopsis: Take two ca-raaaaaaaazy lesbian lovers, have them rummage around through the houses of New Jersey, taking anything and everything that they can (including, but not limited to, budget-wise:

Jewelry, video games, cameras, laptops, watches, $22,000 in cash, Euros, pesos, poker chips, $2 bills, toy ponies, toy cars, toilet paper, a .22-caliber revolver, a Sony PlayStation, a Nintendo Wii, knives, autographed baseballs, Crazy Glue, lubricated condoms, a Virgin Mary statue, sneakers, iPods and baby lotion

along with flat-screen TVs and facial creams, but those are a dime a dozen). From there, have these crimes take place even in broad daylight, because who would suspect a broad? Then have the pair attempt to get into Samantha’s house, except … when they open the front door, they’re chased off by a lion (which is actually Darrin thanks to a screw-up).

For those interested, this sounds like a long-lost script from Bewitched or potentially real life.

The very finest in Halloween costume technology

A pair of enterprising brothers from New Jersey have … wait for it … launched a line of saggy jeans that clip to specialty boxer shorts. The mooks got the idea from their kids, who had difficulty playing sports and other antiquities from the 1990s before the invention of belts and the Xbox.

How can a mere elastic band hold up the weight of several swaths of denim, you ask? The Davenports are way ahead of you, assuring their juggalo customer base that their elastic was tested on New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.

Author’s Note:
I was ordered to write this story because I’m the oldest writer on staff.

Hippy logic to invade business sense

You don’t have to listen to too many Bon Jovi songs to know that the man sympathizes with those down on their luck. (Remember? Poor Tommy used to work on the docks, but union’s been on strike…).

Now the singer, already well-known for his philanthropic works through his non-profit Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, plans to open a community restaurant in Red Bank, New Jersey. Soul Kitchen, which is slated to open this spring, isn’t just any restaurant, though. The eatery will serve low-cost or no-cost meals to diners and ask they volunteer at the restaurant in return.

While it’s a nice story, what’s up with Bon Jovi and other celebrities continuing to put New Jersey in such a good light? I mean, it’s New Jersey. Stop trying to help God’s Trash Pit.

How do you solve a problem like $850,000?

Sister Marie Thornton is not your ordinary nun. By day, she runs the finances at Iona College. By night, she gambles in Atlantic City. But, when she finds herself under federal investigation for an $850,000 paycheck she doesn’t remember cashing, she’s Nun Too Pleased.

If you see one holiday movie this year, make it Tron, because this one isn’t playing in theaters.

Coming soon to a court near New Rochelle, New York!

Thou shalt not call thy spouse ‘hubby’ or ‘wifey’

When the Reverend Cedric Miller spoke out against married couples using Facebook because it makes infidelity so easy, we knew that a scandal was around the corner. And, lo and behold, it was around that corner 10 years ago.

So a Reverend had sex with his wife and another man. If you had constant access to a book that told you the awesome wrong way to do everything, there’s no way you wouldn’t try something. How could you not mix meat and dairy just once?

But, let’s not lose the point here. Rev. Miller’s right: married couples should stay off of Facebook. Or at least just the ones whose profile pictures are of their children.

Crime be the debbil’s work

The next time that you find yourself arrested for stealing goods of some sort, don’t try to play it off or, for that matter, even accept fault. Blame the devil. It’s clearly the smartest idea.

Jeanne Jones was caught shoplifting in a New Jersey Walmart. Her plan of action? Assault the loss-prevention officer and drive off. Of course, if you do so, you might want to make sure that you don’t leave anything incriminating behind-like your purse.

If do so, you might have to call the store back to see if they’ve found it. Unfortunately, you know who also uses the phone? The police. It’s cool; when they ask why you shoplifted and assault somebody, just say that you were possessed by the devil during that instance. Remember, the best responsibility to take hold of is no responsibility.