Tag: new jersey

She ain’t heavy, she’s a mother

It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.

Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!

And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.

Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.

I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.

You can’t escape Jersey

New Jersey is not a place many people who are not Bruce Springsteen want to live. Aside from being a bit on the dumpy side, there is the ever-present threat of bulls running wild through the streets. At least in Spain they tell you when it’s going to happen.

A 1,400-pound bull (roughly 2,800 Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese) escaped from a slaughterhouse in northern New Jersey and dragged police officers who tried to lasso the beast during its 10-block spree. Not only that, but the bull ran at least one light.

Luckily, no one was injured. The bull was sedated and brought back to the slaughterhouse where it faces the death penalty.

Bob Dylan: Famous, looks homeless

It’s not easy being Bob Dylan. Sure, he may have a lot of money and all, but he did give us the lead singer of The Wallflowers, so he had probably had a sense of guilt and need to make it up to the world.

Dylan was in New Jersey when a police officer thought he looked suspicious. The staff of a nearby hotel had reported a man walking around “a housing estate,” whatever that is. He was asked for his ID, it was only then the police officer realized her mistake. To be fair, Dylan was touring with Willie Nelson, who also looks suspicious.

Two years ago, a panic started in Dylan’s grandson’s school when a child told his or her parents that a man came to school and sang songs for them.

The uprising has begun–in Jersey

New Jersey sucks–everyone knows that. That’s why it produces such great music. People know that the music industry is their only hopes of making it out of the wilds of the Garden State. Yes, if we had to off one state, we all know we’d aim the missiles at “Jersey.”

Unfortunately, the animals know it, too. They know that if an attack happens there, the rest of the country is not going to lift a finger to assist. Recently, the animals moved their focus on Boonton Township, New Jersey.

Last Thursday, a black bear broke into a human’s garage, went into the freezer and snacked on all the meat that was in there. The bear made off with chicken breasts, hamburgers, sausage, steaks and a loaf of bread for, you guessed it, a pic-a-nic.

A few days later, police were called in to deal with a crazy groundhog. Oh yes, this groundhog tried to attack a citizen and both arresting officers. A man called police when he tried to leave his house and get into his truck when he was attacked by the groundhog. Despite being kicked several times, the beast just kept coming. He had to retreat into the house and call the police. They eventually maced the beast and took him away for “questioning.”

I smell a Springsteen song!

Something wrong happening New Jersey? Inconceivable!

A woman was out walking and heard screams coming from a New Jersey house. She did the assumingly natural thing and phoned for the professionals, but when they got there, it all went just a little bit wacky.

Upon police arrival, the resident of the house refused to let them in, explaining that the screams were caused by a video game session. He was said to be irrational at this point (maybe someone took his Cheetos? They are dangerously cheesy), and when more cops arrived, he threatened them and slammed the door in their faces. It’s a completely and totally acceptable reaction. I’d be angry too if I lived in New Jersey.

Cops had to speak with the man through open windows, and then the SWAT Team arrived.

Seriously (Guys).

Eventually, the man left his house peacefully, and currently awaits psychological examination at the Somerset Medical Center. This makers the second time in history that an armed response team has had to interrupt a man’s gaming session. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Way to jump the gun, New Jersey.

Landing strip: Still legal in 39 states

Jerseyites, which is what we call people from (New) Jersey, can breathe a sigh of relief this morning. Then again, they might do well to just hold in that breath because some hot wax is about to get ripped off of their genitals.

The New Jersey State Board Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board (yes, it is a real state agency) has nixed its proposed ban of bikini waxing within the state. Why would they consider such a thing? Because two people ended up getting some nasty infections (we assume on their lady parts, which are prone to infections anyway) after having the wax job done.

Because two people ended up with infections possibly because of the procedure, they wanted to ban it, which makes sense because we all know you can never get an infection from a cut, much less one from a razor you use to remove hair from the location of your choosing.

Fun fact: “Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in New Jersey — only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted. But because bare-it-all ‘Brazilians’ weren’t specifically banned, state regulators didn’t enforce the law.”

Which begs the question, how would they inforce it in the first place. (“Put the wax down and step away from the crotch! We have you surrounded!”)

Dear New Jersey: Two does not equal a lot

In these stringent and lean economic times (cliche points +2), New Jersey feels the need to end the jobs of many people. Particularly, those that get rather hands on with their work. Specifically those that rip the pubic hair off of the lovely people plain and simple citizens of New Jersey.

Yes, because two (2) women have complained about their injuries resulting from a Brazilian wax, the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is contemplating putting a ban on Brazilian waxes in their state. That’s right, there’s no possibility of overreaction in that state. Hirsutes and former 70’s porn stars were heard rejoicing the state over.

So, what have we learned?

  • The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling wants to put people out of business.
  • The New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is quite prone to overreaction.
  • New Jersey is still one of the worst states in the United States of America.

Here he goes (or not) again

Brett Favre must be a huge fan of The Clash, because he’s singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” again.

After his first “post-retirement” season, Brett the Jet is starting to think it’s time to trade his uniform for Wranglers.  He didn’t make the playoffs, but he did throw 22 more interceptions, bringing his all-time league record up to 310.

As of the release of this story, the Cincinatti Bengals began reviewing their salary situation. Favre is still under contract for two more seasons with New Jersey, but that didn’t stop him before with Green Bay.

Update (2/11/2009):
Brett Favre told the Jets that he will, in fact, retire … for at least this off-season. Stay tuned in case you give a rat’s ass.

Your government keeping you safe

It can be said that the U.S. Department of Agriculture is one of our best allies in the War on Animals. No other federal agency promotes the slavery and wholesale slaughter of animals. (The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is really all about protecting the animals.)

So when dead birds were turning up in Franklin Township, New Jersey, it came as no surprise to us that the good ol’ Department of Ag was behind it. Hundreds of dead birds, English starlings, to be exact, dropped dead all over the town, making the sidewalks and streets squishier than ever. In all, 3,000 to 5,000 birds are expected to be whacked via pesticide. The only problem is, no one told the locals about the birds falling from the sky.

The feds are saying the starling is invading the barn homes of native bird species. But then again, are barns a natural habitat? Burn the barns and kill all the species at once.