Kiwis build tiny island to circumvent booze ban

New Zealand may be in a different hemisphere, but it’s good to see that they ring in the new year just like we do in America: drinking their faces off. But when a local booze ban threatened to spoil the fun, a handful of kiwis fought back with terraforming.

The town of Coromandel, New Zealand banned drinking in public places on New Year’s Eve, but that wasn’t going to stop revelers from drinking on the beach. During low tide they built a small platform out of sand, and installed a picnic table on top of it. When the tide came in, they had themselves an island in what they claimed were international waters.

The group reportedly boozed it up all through the night unmolested by local authorities. Make it your goal to be like these guys in 2018.

One second to madness and joy

Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
Leap Dave Williams will only appear in a single frame flash like penises in Fight Club.

This year saw the return of the Leap Day and, with it, one day to live without consequences or regrets. (Unless, of course, you got engaged to that guy who wouldn’t ask you, ladies.) It’s a day of celebration, especially for people in their late twenties/early thirties who officially turned four-years-old on Feb. 29th. And now we’re also getting an extra second of New Years Eve!

To correct for the Earth’s slowing rotation, scientists will add one second to the tail end of Dec. 31, meaning the New Year won’t begin until immediately after 11:59:60.

Remember: anything that happens at Leap Second doesn’t count. Reality’s for 12:00:00, Jan. 1, 2016.

It’s like they couldn’t cover their ears

By now, we’re sure that all of you have heard the news regarding birds falling out of the sky like a wet dream from Hitchcock. Some have suggested that it was lightning at hand. Some have directed their speculation towards a loud and potentially traumatic event, such as fireworks. A few have even suggested a biological weapon or experiment being tested on a hapless group of avian warriors.

But no one suggests the UFO? Nobody? Really? Does nobody want to shake the tentacle of that fine alien?

France may surrender to Big Sobriety

Etienne Apaire — “head of a government body in charge of the fight against addiction to drugs or alcohol” — is shocked, SHOCKED, by the findings of recent alcohol surveys.

“He said research conducted in 2005 showed about one in four French 17-year-olds reported getting drunk at least three times in the previous 12 months, while one in 10 said they had got drunk 10 times or more.”

That’s right: one-quarter of all French 17 year-olds get drunk three times a year. (We’re guessing that New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day and Bastille Day are those three days.)

As such, Apaire has proposed to end Happy Hour, as if French drunks aren’t morose enough. Worse yet, he might not even be French because he’s suggested that French youth drink beer instead. Sacrebleu!

These Founding Guys could not be reached for comment.