NYC’s digital gloryholes

German artist, Aram Bartholl has installed five USB ports on the sides of buildings in New York City.

His hope is that users will use them as “spy drops,” posting pictures, videos or other media to share important ideas with others who visit it.

Would someone like to show Herr Boo Radley ChatRoulette now?

(With special thanks to Alexis.)

Life is overrated

It ain’t easy being of the undead variety.

Chew on this: we’re born. We die. Everything that we do is ultimately fruitless. Just what value do we actually have? If you’re of the religious variety, you have your quote endquote eternal soul. So that’s gotta be of some value, right?

Well, if you’re using eBay as a value guide to judge the market, it’s worth around six hundred and sixty six dollars. American.

But it’s not all champagne and caviar for people sans life. Police in New York City found a bag of explosives in the graveyard. That’s not the bad news. The bad news is that they removed it. Look NYC, we know that since you’re a supremely large metropolitan area, you’ll be more susceptible to the inevitable zombie outbreak. With that said, could you at least look like you’re trying to be prepared for it? That bag of kablooey gum wasn’t an offensive move by a terrorist, it was obviously a smart defensive move by a concerned citizen.

Worst. Crime Spree. EVER.

Four men from New York City have been arrested after going on a video game-stealing rampage along the entire East Coast of the United States. Laaaaaaaame.

Rodney McCreary, Gilberto Matos, Derrella Winfrey and Wilfredo Matos were caught by police when an off-duty cop saw them stuffing video games down their pants at a Toys ‘R Us in Annapolis. The officer followed them to their car, saw the four men leave and then called in some on-duty cops to make the bust. When police searched the men’s car, though, they found a lot more than just a few games from a single Toys ‘R Us.

Instead, they found 219 video games, along with road maps and a long list of Toys ‘R Us stores right down the aforementioned East Coast. Police are now investigating which stores on the maps had already been robbed and which hadn’t, while the four alleged perpetrators have been released on $50,000 bond.

Guys, how about next time, trying for something a little more valuable or worthwhile, okay? Or at least something that won’t make you somebody’s play thing in jail.

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”

The birds and the teens

As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!

Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”

That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”

Saving the poor from (further) bad decisions

Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.

If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.

Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?

And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.

Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”

You can’t fake that kind of philanthropy, people.

(Courtesy of Chris S.)

Those terrifying Kodak moments

Was Roland Emmerich unavailable?

The U.S. Department of Defense has finally released the April 27th Air Force One photos over New York City. There was some delay because they had to photoshop several thousand pee-pee stains from the pants of New Yorkers below.

The flyover was condemned by Mayor Michael Bloomberg and President Barack Obama because it was unannounced and “around the site of the World Trade Center.” Defense officials countered that the flight was a classified mission, which explains both why they didn’t tell anyone and why it was done with a bright blue and white plane over one of the most populated cities in America.

If we believe anything here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that mistakes are learning experiences: it’s only OK to use aircraft in New York if they’re attacking a giant ape or being emceed by Al Roker.

Win some, lose some

It’s Monday morning, and we’ve got good news and bad news for you. We know you’re already grumpy, so let’s start off with the good news.

Remember back in January when a double bird strike caused US Airways Flight 1549 to ditch in the Hudson River? Well, New York City is ready to deal with the Canada goose threat. They are going to start culling geese. It’s so seldom to see any government body so willing to fight against our animal enemy, but clearly, we have a friend in New York.

And then there’s the bad news. Sea stars, better known to the common man as starfish, are booming off the coast of New England. The worst part is that no one’s exactly sure why it’s happening. Starfish are dangerous creatures, even if you cut them in half they will regenerate and become two star fish. That’s just not good.

Buzz kill

Bees lulled us into a false sense of security over the past few years as scientists found they were mysteriously disappearing. Though there are fewer of them, they still pose a threat to civilization.

New York City was the target this time–a place we once thought of as a stronghold against animals, because we paved over their habitat. Sadly, even in New York, you’re not safe from bees. They took over a GameStop in one of the busiest shopping areas of the city. The bees won’t let us get out of this recession!

This story has a happy ending, however. The bees were rounded up and taken in for questioning.

Is that an insider trading tip in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Economy, why must you suck?

Dow, why have you foresaken me?

Frozen concentrated orange juice, where are you in my time of need?

These and other similar cries of agony can be heard wailing throughout the halls of strip clubs all over New York.

Really? Yep. The Wall Street banking industry may have collapsed in a heap of soiled Armani clothing (I hear a little baking soda will take that right out), but that won’t stop folks from indulging in the little things that make life bearable—like $1,000 lap dances. While others may have tightened their belt a bit, that’s not stopped some. Like, they really haven’t tightened their belt at all. Yes, despite some of the problems you may have heard regarding the strip clubs of New York City, they’re still doing what they can to bolster the economy-which, from what we hear, Wall Street will attempt to as well.

Gotta keep those economic “fundamentals” strong, you know.