Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Note: I know this looks like yours truly, Bryan McBournie, wrote this, but in fact it was written by Bryan Schools, who is currently chained up in Ben Roethlisberger’s love dungeon. Luckily Big Ben allowed Schools a cell phone to keep himself amused. Rather than calling for help, he wrote this via text message.

Ladies and gentlemen of the D.C. area, you had reason to doubt your Landover football team had reason for concern to begin the season, now you should be in full-blown panic mode! The Lions were bound to beat somebody at some time in their future, and that time came sooner rather later unfortunately for Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell.

The loss to Detroit is an early icing on the cake for a snowball that began in a Week 1 loss to the Giants, but gained an enormous amount of steam after an embarrasing win against the Rams. Notice, the Redskins are probably the only team in the league who can have the word “embarrasing” attached to a win. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.

NFC East

The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.

The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4

The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11

NFC South

Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.

The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,

The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

You Missed It: So long and thanks for all the kickbacks edition

We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.

Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.

Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.

And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?

Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL

I really want to write about the Red Sox this week. That old familiar feeling has come creeping around again, and my boys did it in overly dramatic fashion by finishing off the 100-win Angels with a head-first dive into home plate by Jason Bay. However, I don’t want to tempt fate by calling any of the series this week, so we’ll save it for an Eat My Sports: World Series Edition when the time comes, regardless of if it ends up with a worst case scenario for Fox execs by having a Tampa Bay vs. Philadelphia Phillies Fall Classic. For the time being though, Jed Lowrie, you rock, and Bay, just keep on rolling baby. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Sex and the NFL

The McBournie Minute: I love the Patriots

This week, in honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re writing our features about love. Also, you will be treated to daily editions of MasterChugs Theater with “Love in the Theater.”

“Heroes never last long because, although they may inspire us to become more, they remind us of our own shortcomings. We appreciate them at first, but then we look at our own lives and wonder, ‘Why not me?’ At first, ‘why not me’ means, ‘I could do that, too.’ But after a while … ‘why not me’ turns into ‘I’m not that great, and neither is that person.'” —Rick Snee

I love the New England Patriots. I guess it’s because of Bryan Schools’ column last Tuesday, or that I’m still not over the game, but I am sick of everybody bashing the Patriots. This is the last time I will talk about it. I retract my statement last week, I will not argue that they deserved to win Super Bowl XLII. The Pats looked flat from the very beginning, especially before the game. For some reason, no one was bouncing around or talking a big game. They simply moped out to the field like it was just another practice. IT WAS THE EFFING SUPER BOWL!

No, the Patriots did not deserve to win. But neither did the New York Giants.

Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I love the Patriots