Note: I know this looks like yours truly, Bryan McBournie, wrote this, but in fact it was written by Bryan Schools, who is currently chained up in Ben Roethlisberger’s love dungeon. Luckily Big Ben allowed Schools a cell phone to keep himself amused. Rather than calling for help, he wrote this via text message.
Ladies and gentlemen of the D.C. area, you had reason to doubt your Landover football team had reason for concern to begin the season, now you should be in full-blown panic mode! The Lions were bound to beat somebody at some time in their future, and that time came sooner rather later unfortunately for Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell.
The loss to Detroit is an early icing on the cake for a snowball that began in a Week 1 loss to the Giants, but gained an enormous amount of steam after an embarrasing win against the Rams. Notice, the Redskins are probably the only team in the league who can have the word “embarrasing” attached to a win. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins
Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.
The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.
The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4
The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11
Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.
The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,
The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition
Move over Michael Vick, the NFL has a new Mexican-themed nickname, and it’s aimed right at New York Jets’ pretty boy Mark Sanchez. Props to The New York Post for this headline and ensuing mockery of their new star quarterback. But hey, at least there aren’t any photos of New York athletes making out with themselves …
Brett Favre must be a huge fan of The Clash, because he’s singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” again.
After his first “post-retirement” season, Brett the Jet is starting to think it’s time to trade his uniform for Wranglers. He didn’t make the playoffs, but he did throw 22 more interceptions, bringing his all-time league record up to 310.
As of the release of this story, the Cincinatti Bengals began reviewing their salary situation. Favre is still under contract for two more seasons with New Jersey, but that didn’t stop him before with Green Bay.
Brett Favre told the Jets that he will, in fact, retire … for at least this off-season. Stay tuned in case you give a rat’s ass.
Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.
One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It
Shenanigans. They’re always afoot, even in events as hallowed as football. EGADS! How horrible!
Fear not though! The New York Jets will have none of the halftime boobie flashing shenanigans that plagued their stadium last year-at least, the Sports Authority will be seeing to that. They’ll be cracking down on all things fun horrible to those around you. No more early morning tailgating. No more drunken revelries. No more alcohol! Yes, from now on, all leering must be done through proper team channels, thank you very much. Brett Favre must be so happy.
Oh. Wait a minute. You mean it’s a different Sports Authority? Oh. Well now, that changes things a bit, I’d say.
Boom. Enough said already, right? Today at 12:01 AM, the 20th edition of the Madden franchise hit stores with a resounding … boom. For 20 years John Madden has taken his game from an eight-bit blur of a figure carrying what looks like the equivalent of dog crap, and morphed it into the definitive gaming franchise ever made. From the five-year-old that you routinely beat the ever-loving Tinactin out of online, to the closet Chicago Bears fan that doubles as a computer analyst, Madden’s all-consuming (literally, see: Thanksgiving in Dallas) approach to football has grabbed everyone by the seams and made them pay attention … and $60 for a freaking video game. Continue reading Eat My Sports: XX years of Madden, thanks GB