Tag: New York Times

Old man cancels newspaper subscription, makes news

40 years after The New York Times began publishing the leaked Pentagon Papers, the Gray Lady has set a new milestone in print journalism: finally getting Donald Rumsfeld to cancel his subscription.

Over the past year, the Times has tried cheering for an upcoming torture lawsuit against Rumsfeld, and then panning his autobiography, but they just couldn’t shake him off. It took a column by Paul Krugman — in which he vaguely invoked a sense of shame at how he remembers everything after 9/11 — to finally make the former proponent of DIY body armor become a Post-only man.

This is a bold move considering how most newspapers are bending over backwards to maintain subscriptions. The paper, however, believes it will recoup (and possibly make a tidy profit off of) their loss with Rumsfeld’s newsstand purchases of the paper to maintain his daily dose of outrage.

Better dosed than dead

You may remember us telling you something about how alcohol is in fact really, really good for you, so much so that it seems to be common knowledge in the scientific community. We finally won the war on sobriety. Medicinal boozing became the norm.

But then, something changed.

According to the New York Times there is a rebellion amongst the teetotaler doctors of the world. They claim that the studies we all know do not show that alcohol is good for you, they just show that healthy people drink, along with other activities.

You hear that? Some sober killjoys are trying to tell you that drinking isn’t actually good for you, which we all know it is. These are probably the same people who don’t believe in evolution. But the best part is this: don’t worry, if you’re drinking that means you’re a healthy person all around. That’s more than can be said about those sober mongers.

The Oval Office gets a square console

STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! ZOMG, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!

In an article in the New York Times in which our soon-to-be President predicts a Florida win over Oklahoma in tonight’s BCS championship game, it is revealed that Barack Obama’s daughters received a shiny new Nintendo console when Santa Claus visited this year. And by Santa Claus, I mean the taxpayers.

“Mr. Obama said he’d have his hands full attempting to rescue the American economy. But he has gotten in a little practice in bowling lately on the Nintendo Wii his daughters received for Christmas. Mr. Obama, who famously struggled in bowling during last year’s Democratic primaries, said he performs better in the video game.”

That’s right people: the soon-to-be-President of the free world is a Nintendo fanboy. Prepare for Reggie Fils-Aime to become Secretary of Meat.