You Missed It: Time runs out edition

Here it is: the official start of summer. I bet you’re not even doing work right now. You’re just thinking about the long weekend ahead and how you’re going to spend it. Speaking of which, we’re off on Monday, too. So there’s a fair chance even we aren’t working right now. But as one last send off, let’s take a look back, shall we? If you were busy voting on don’t ask don’t tell, odds are you missed it.

The show may still be airing in a parallel universe
Two of television’s biggest shows signed off for the last time this week. On Sunday, Lost ended, followed a day later by 24. One show was famous for its action, character development and dizzying amount of plot twists, and the other one was Lost. In the thrilling conclusion, we found out that Jack Bauer was really the polar bear.

No iAdmission at the game
It came to light this week that Yankee Stadium treats iPads like outside drinks and food, and of course, firearms–they are not allowed. People have reported being turned away from the gates for having an iPad on their person. But don’t worry, Yankees fans, gold chains and hairy backs are A-OK!

Binging yourself just sounds weird
A recent study found that over half of American adults have Googled themselves. The survey suggests that adults use the tool to manage their online reputation and see what over people can find out about them. Those who said they have never Googled themselves said their wives just aren’t into that sort of thing.

Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

Bryan Schools is still learning what it’s like to go the rest of his life without sex, so I’m filling in for him this week. Here’s “Take These Sports from Snee and Eat Them.”

I’m not about to say that the entire sporting world is in trouble. But, certain teams and players could use a–ahem–boost:

That was the stands from last night’s Baltimore/Kansas City game at Camden Yard. Granted, it had rained all day and night, but even if you lived next door, would you bother to attend to watch the Orioles and the Royals? The title card alone sounds like it was pronounced by Foghorn Leghorn after a stroke.

They’re not alone. Detroit fans were already hesitant to spend money of Lions games, but now they’re abandoning the city and surrounding suburbs. How do you justify spending cash (we assume they still sell tickets) to a Kid Rock crowd?

You give them exactly why they watch Syfy and USA, and it’s not for Eureka or Psych; it’s for professional wrestling. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Can’t spell ‘sports entertainment’ without ‘sports’

Eat My Sports: Booze News style

Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.

And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend  know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Booze News style

The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

It’s Halloween time, that means everyone will have costume pictures on the Facebook profiles in a week we are half way through the Christmas shopping season it’s nearly time to party. Yours truly may not survive Halloween because I will be going to a murder party. Having never been to one before, I’m not sure what level of make-believe is. So if it comes down to them or me, my hunting knife ought to win out. I bought a fedora for my costume the other day, not because I am going to be Don Draper for Halloween, but the party is supposed to be a 1920s speakeasy. I plan to draw on my college experience to play the part of drinking in secret.

But still, because it’s that time of year, things are getting lame brands of spooky, mostly television and theme parks. We have to accept that they are getting faux-creepy, but sometimes they go a little over the top. I can put up with horror movie marathons and the New York Yankees in the World Series to give me the heeby-jeebies, but commercials are where I draw the line.

DirecTV has recently launched a few new famous movie scene re-dub commercials where they pay semi famous people like Naomi Watts. This time around they’re smacking us around with some action from David Spade–not that we asked for it or anything. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: DirecTV practices the black arts

Eat My Sports: There’s only one Febtober

Everyone remembers the unforgettable “Celebrity Jeopardy” performances on SNL. There’s a “sword” comment one way or another in any conversation involving Sean Connery, it’s undeniable. My personal favorite was the skit where “Months That End In ‘tober'” is answered with a buzz and on cue “FEBTOBER!!!” delivered by Darell Hammond as the bearded Connery. Some of you may remember me starting writing about the 2009 MLB season way back in early February, and that got me thinking…

Febtober is the perfect way to describe a truly avid baseball fan’s passion for watching every pitch, agonizing over every box score, and blowing every loss out of proportion. While the casual sports’ fans were watching the NFL draft, we were watching pitch counts. When you were watching the Los Angeles Kobes, we were scrutinizing slugging percentages. And while you were debating whether Rafael Nadal would look better with a shorter haircut, we were debating whether or not Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay would make the better late season pitching acquisition. Continue reading Eat My Sports: There’s only one Febtober

Eat My Sports: Boston translation

It’s October 17, 2004, a miserable excuse for a Sunday. I’m tired as hell from my trip to New York, and its production night for Bryan McBournie and me at our college newspaper, The Tartan. We go in to start our layouts, and hardly say a word to anyone, people want to ask us if we’re ok, but even the non-sports fans knew that today was not the day to talk. Today is our death march. Today is what we have come to expect as individuals. Today we have our souls carved out again. Today is hell. Today the Red Sox get swept, and there is not a damn thing we can do but watch.

Normally when we go to our watering hole, BT’s, its all smiles. We know the bartenders, know the waitresses, and are occasionally rewarded for our patronage with a warm shot of house tequilla for free. Not tonight though. Even our most familiar bartender Todd has a grimace on his face when we come in during the sixth inning. He fills a pitcher of Keystone, hands us two mugs and forces a smile. McBournie and I sit in the semblance of a dining area that only a college “restaurant and fine dining” bar can offer. The game is on the big screen, it’s 4-3 New York, and we know were its headed, this is our fate as Red Sox fans. Doom. Elevated hope that eventually crushes even your will to want to even get up the next day. It’s sick that we get this way as fans, but we’re a different breed, and fate is a fickle broad. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Boston translation

Eat My Sports: Time to eat my medicine

So we’re officially past the halfway mark of the MLB season, to those of you who pay attention, it’s been a blur hasn’t it? We started this whole shebang back in April, and back then I also made some pretty big predictions, so let’s take a look at how much I actually know by grading my predictions from the Spring.

NL East
Predicted Winner: Atlanta Braves
Current Leader: Philadelphia Phillies
OK, so right now the above .500 Braves are six and a half games back of Philadelphia. This may sound weird, but out of all the teams in the putrid NL East, the Braves have played the most consistent ball. Philly can’t figure out how to win in Philly and the Mets are … the Mets, can’t change who you are, kid. I’m sticking with Atlanta winning this because of consistency.
Grade: B Continue reading Eat My Sports: Time to eat my medicine

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

Eat My Sports: Big Papi, at a curse-ory glance

It’s one of the big topics in baseball that everyone except for Red Sox fans, and the Red Sox themselves want to address. David Ortiz isn’t Big Papi anymore, and it appears to be more than just a slump, this problem just doesn’t seem fixable. But how? How does the man go from eating fastballs up then spitting them out over the Green Monster to being late on 89 mph fastballs? I’ll tell you why, and for Sox fans, it’s all too familiar, the man who basically broke the curse, is now cursed.

Don’t blame Ortiz, he didn’t do this to himself. It was done to him. 

In a conversation with Bryan McBournie last week during Boston’s 10-5 shlacking of Detroit, Ortiz got a two-run double, joking I said to McBournie “well, Papi’s got his RBI quota for the month now.” Then after having a week to mull it over, McBournie realized the truth and came up with a more than believable theory. What if the attempted burying of an Ortiz jersey during the building of Yankee Stadium in order to curse the building, then having the plan discovered, actually backfired and cursed our beloved slugger? Continue reading Eat My Sports: Big Papi, at a curse-ory glance

Eat My Sports: Early season report

For those of you who don’t follow baseball from early February through October, you wouldn’t know that the season is almost one-third of the way over with. It’s been a weird one, with the Pirates and Marlins contending early, the Rays already fading out of contention, and Roger Clemens not hitting on any underage country stars, yet. But if you have been living a sheltered life and have not been paying attention to baseball, here have been the top five stories of the early season.

5. The rise, fall and rise of the Yankees
No one can figure the pattern of this team out, period. One night they’re hammering a team for 14 runs, the next night C.C. Sabathia is serving up fastballs like his butler feeds him steaks with a donut glaze. The return of A-Rod has brought back some sense of normalcy, but the inconsistent pitching could pose a problem down the stretch for the Yanks. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Early season report