Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

Iron Man, Hulk turn to life of crime

*Captain America: Civil War spoilers ahead*

Times Square is overrun with people in unlicensed costumes hassling you for money in exchange for a photo. You don’t know who is behind the mask. Which is why superheroes can quickly become villains.

According to New York police, Iron Man, the Hulk and Princess Anna from Frozen were arrested for stealing from tourists. A tourist and his daughter said the two Avengers approached them, encouraging them to take a picture with them, then charging them money. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes failed to give the tourists their change back, then Princess Anna took a $10 bill from the little girl, calling it a tip.

All three Disney properties were charged with petty larceny.

‘Free hug’ guy gives tourist free knuckle sandwich

Times Square is a horrible place. It’s a shiny, ad-filled wonderland lined with stores selling overpriced goods and shady people in costumes charging for pictures. It is the perfect embodiment of New York. That’s why it’s also where a hug can turn into a fight.

For some reason, people go to Times Square even though it’s not New Year’s Eve. One such person was a Canadian tourist. She found a man with a sign advertising free hugs. Being Canadian, of course the tourist went in for a hug. When the hug ended and the photo was taken, things got ugly. The free hug man demanded a tip from the woman and she refused. According to authorities, that’s when the guy who had been all about love just a minute earlier, punched the woman in the face before running off.

Welcome to America, eh?

N.Y. Dems blame TP shortfall on Republicans

In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.

Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.

Government waste continues to be a huge problem.

Don’t call it a setback, he was never ahead

Jesus. At least pick up the knife if it burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.
Jesus. At least pick up the knife if your Veggie Lover’s slice burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.

Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in QueensThe Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.

We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.

Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.

Birds attack nuclear power plant in N.Y.

Folks, the War on Animals has been going on for a long time now, but it’s never been this serious. They’re going after our nuclear power plants.

Indian Point is a nuclear plant a little north of New York City. Something tripped a breaker at the site and took the reactors offline for several days in December. Now, we’ve learned that bird poop was the cause of that outage, specifically, poop from large birds. There was so much bird crap on the wire that it couldn’t handle electricity anymore.

While this didn’t come remotely close to triggering a meltdown, it’s clear that the animals are testing our systems. They are exploring for weaknesses.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Man goes 2-for-2 in assaulting lawyers

Lawyers aren’t the most popular people around, but their jobs aren’t always worth the perks, either. Especially when you’re defending a guy who’s been charged with assaulting his previous lawyer.

In upstate New York, authorities say Aaron W. Jabot, 34, assaulted his lawyer in a courtroom during a case against him, in which he, you guessed it, assaulted the last guy who defended him. Jabot will be facing fresh assault charges soon enough.

We can only assume that the next lawyer wears a helmet.

The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of college, and even then, MySpace was the clear favorite of the cool kids, and would be for another two years or so. Before that, you didn’t declare your relationship status publicly. You might brag about your new fling to your friends, or bring someone home to meet your parents if things got really serious, but that was about it.

But before long, Facebook and his relation-ship labeling technology beat out MySpace and its profile song autoplay functionality. If you met someone and eventually had the “define the relationship” talk, you could then announce the results to all your friends with a couple clicks. Of course, this also meant you had to publicly acknowledge when the relationship spiraled out of control and eventually met its demise.

Then things got complicated. People started getting married. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

You Missed It: Bowing out edition

Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn't held a job in years.
Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn’t held a job in years.

It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.

Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!

Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.