Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.
In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.
Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.
Summer is most decidedly here. And the residents of New York may soon have a new way to cool off this summer, if the state government gets its act together.
The New York state Senate recently passed a bill that would allow the sale of beer or hard cider with ice cream. This dream come true now heads to the state Assembly, where many thirsty onlookers believe it will pass. Apparently the state already allows wine and ice cream to be sold together, but that sounds gross.
If selling ice cream and beer becomes law, that means New Yorkers are that much closer to buying a Jack and Coke float. Dare to believe.
We, as a nation, have gone soft. People don’t have any backbone anymore. We’re all so concerned about hurting peoples’ feelings that we forget who we are and who our enemies are. For example, people are hugging cows.
A farm in upstate New York offers a new service to interact with its cows and horses. This service isn’t to learn more about the enemy, but to cuddle with the beasts. For just $300, you and a friend can hug horses and cows for 90 minutes. Why would a person do this? Apparently some believe this therapeutic to be in close contact with smelly beasts of burden.
Hippie farmers say that being close to these animals and their slower heartbeats is soothing for humans. We call it treason.
Who among us hasn’t cried watching An American Tail? (It’s OK, the Internet can’t see you nodding.) Fievel Mousekewitz, a young mouse from Russia, emigrates to America to escape Cossack cats and ends up separated from his family in New York City. Of course it’s sad — because Fievel is an illegal immigrant carrying superbugs.
A study of mice throughout New York City reveals that Fievel’s great-great-great-great-great … (mouse generations are ridiculous) … great-grandchildren are carrying disease-causing bacteria, including a few antibiotic-resistant germs.
Three percent of the mice carried Salmonella bacteria, 14 percent carried disease-causing Shigella, 12 percent carried the food poisoning germ Clostridium perfringens, 4 percent carried enteropathogenic Escherichia coli and 4 percent carried Clostridium difficile, a notorious cause of often-fatal chronic diarrhea.
“Often-fatal chronic diarrhea.” Clearly, crying our lungs out at their songs wasn’t enough for these Trojan mice.
If you see signs of mice in your domicile, it is critical to take steps to either catch or kill them and clean up all possible surfaces with bleach to disinfect contagion due to urine and feces. And we have to act fast before these vermin go west.
The animals have always played fair, agreeing not to change into other animals — until now. If you live in New York City, now is a good time to panic.
A tiger, a real tiger, was reported on the streets of Harlem yesterday, sending authorities into a confusing and dangerous search. Residents were alerted on their phones to the danger of a loose tiger, and urged to stay indoors. Not long after, police said the beast was really just a raccoon, not a tiger. Yes, the NYPD wants us to believe that someone saw a raccoon, thought it was a tiger, and was so panicked that he or she called authorities, rather than just admitting that there is a dangerous tiger out there that has the ability to change its form.
For all we know, it could have turned itself into a human.
Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.
But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?
Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.
Police in New York recently arrested a man at JFK airport. Oooh! Was he a terrorist? Probably not. Was he a smuggler? Yes. Oooh! What was he smuggling, something exotic, like, a thousand speckled ostrich eggs, two hundred live Komodo Dragons or custom-made AK-47’s with grenade launcher attachments? Nope.
We know the Boys Scouts of America are aggressively anti-dick, having stripped at least one open homosexual of his Eagle Scout award and their ongoing policy to remove any gay scouts or leaders from their ranks. But, it’s OK because they’re anti-beaver, too.
A 51-year-old scout leader, Normand Brousseau, was minding his own business, swimming in the Delaware River when a frothy, foaming at the mouth beaver swam betwixt his legs and launched a surprise attack, possibly thinking he was packing wood. Brousseau grabbed the rabid beaver and threw it, but beaver was too quick and caught back up, attacking him until he could securely grab it, hold its mouth shut and throw it again, this time ashore.
And, at that point, it was on the Boy Scout’s turf. Members of his troop punished that mouthy beaver old school, Leviticus-style: they stoned it to death.
Let your alcohol-enjoying taste buds fear tyranny at the gas pump no longer! Beer-anny, as we like to call it, for the longest time, was relegated to forcing a person to drink down the worst swill possible: Icehouse, Bud-anything, Colt 45, King Cobra, Coors, MGD and so forth. At some locations, you might be lucky enough to score a Sam Adam’s sixer, but hope is little and far away. But no more if the gas station you frequent is of the Sunoco brand!
As we prepare for the weekend, we leave you with this thought: is America going crazy? And we don’t mean in that general “oh my god, indefinite detention” or “unchecked tax-dollars spending” way, but legitimately bats%@t crazy?
Consider the case of what doctors are calling mass hysteria in a small town outside Buffalo, NY. 12 teenage girls from LeRoy Junior-Senior High School started displaying Tourettes-like symptoms of tics, stutters and shaking. The New York Department of Health has ruled out any infection, communicable disease, environmental factor or Justin Bieber proximity. And the parents are responding in a manner consistent with raising stressed out, mentally unstable teen girls: by calling the doctors liars on national television.
If, after reading those stories, you started to wonder if your boss is a psychopath, then lucky you, for CNN has posted a handy, very scientific quiz online. And when you’re done, go ahead and print the results and send them to Human Resources. It’s not psycho to want your boss’ office if you prove they’re more psychotic.