Now it’s cancer rather than hair growing on palms

Okay, remember how in Back to the Future, plutonium was needed to power the DeLorean, but the Libyan terrorists wanted it back?

Now swap in tissue boxes with DeLorean and Bed, Bath & Beyond with Libyan terrorists and you’ve got this story.

A shipment of tissues box covers making their way to the California corner of Bed, Bath & Beyond (if they’ve got time, Saturday’s looking busy) were delayed in their travels. At a truck scale, the radiation sensor was set off, probably setting off tornado sirens and klaxons left and right. The box covers apparently had been coated in low levels of cobalt-60. Triple B is now offering a recall on the products.

The radiation is reportedly not too dangerous to people if they left them in their bathroom, but I have a feeling my old suitemate from college, Sploosh, might have a bad case of testicular cancer if he bought them.

Living in the past through better suing

If you were married 8 years ago and divorced 5 years later, what’s the surefire way to recoup your costs after the costly legal battle? Why, sue the wedding photographer, of course.

Todd Remis of New York is suing H&H Photographers for the sum of 48 thousand dollars. That sounds like a fairly large amount of money, especially considering Remis was charged 4100 dollars for wedding photography (to which, Remis claims that the last 15 minutes of the wedding were missed by the crew and only 2 hours of a promised 6 hour film were recorded). So, the extra money?

Remis wants the remaining amount in order to recreate the wedding and fly both him and his now ex-wife (who, mind you, has fallen off the grid somewhere in Eastern Europe) to New York so that it can be recorded by another photographer.

That doesn’t sound outlandish at all.

Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

An interstate brouhaha is underway between Houston, Texas and New York City over the final resting place for the space shuttle Enterprise.

The shuttle, which never flew in space, but was the test model for what became the workhorse of our space program, was awarded to New York’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, while Houston possibly receive the Explorer, a full-scale mock-up shuttle, and the finger from all living shuttle astronauts. (Which is actually kind of hard to organize, you f%@king ingrates.)

Rep. Ted Poe and Pete Olson (R-Texas) and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson are using the proximity of a strip club to contest the shuttle’s proposed location, which is right across the street from the rest of the museum. They believe that this “is no way to treat a precious space artifact.”

But, what if the shuttle inspired those strippers to work their way through college studying science and aerospace? Then the esteemed busybodies from Texas would be interfering in my plans to restore the U.S. space program. And, brother? Space strippers is just the beginning. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Mars needs strippers!

It’s like a Moebius strip of cholesterol guilt

Do you feel the walls closing in on you? After the walls close in, do you feel it opening up, only for the pattern to continue over and over and over? You might and potentially should. You see, a … potentially larger than average gentleman is suing White Castle for not making their booths big enough (we’re choosing our words carefully because someone is clearly a bit more publicly litigious than most).

Stockbroker Martin Kessman has had much difficulty fitting into the stationary booths in the Nanuet White Castle location. After leaving the fast food spot, he wrote up a complaint letter, where he claims to have received three condescending return letters. He’s now suing for larger seats under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Quotes from the story include:

“They’re stationary booths,” he told The Post. “I’m not humongous, [but] I’m a big guy. I could not wedge myself in.”

There’s no word in the story about Kessman becoming ostracized from the restaurant, so:

My wife went and picked up the burgers … because I did not want to set foot into the store,” he said. “Any subsequent trips to the store have been made by my wife — I have been like an outcast.”

Here’s a bit of free advice for people who have similar difficulties from yours truly: if you’re in a similar situation, maybe you should apply it upon yourself as advice for the future rather than a critique of yourself stop treating your self-created obesity as a disability.

Cocaine is a helluva disease

I’ve heard from people both famous and not famous that getting high on cocaine is a fantastic high. Life feels amazing, you feel great and people look better. Sure, the come down is rough, but when the high is that great, what could make you want to not do the drug?

A flesh-eating disease would usually rank as one of the options, at least, I would think.

Said disease has begun appearing in outbreaks in New York and Los Angeles. It’s being reported that the cocaine is being mixed with levamisole, a drug normally used by vets to treat farm animals, and thanks to the skin-rotting effects of the drug, users are seeing their skin turn black with dying skin. Oh, and one last wonderful tidbit: over 80 percent of the country’s coke supply has the veterinarian drug in it. So there’s that.

Snort well, people.

And you thought your interview process was intense

Job interviews are, more often than not, pretty rough on the average person, but only in the mental and emotional sense. Certainly not in the physical sense, right? Well, if the situation involves a fake interview, then yeah, they are.

Cops in White Plains, New York, have arrested a former teacher who allegedly beat and whipped men that thought they were applying for high security gigs in the intelligence-gathering industry.

Which, happens? At all?

Reportedly, the man recruited the men with the claims that he would help train them for overseas work. This training included, but was not limited to, stripping them down, whipping them and sticking needles under their fingernails. As opposed to being told how to use Excel.

People, how many times do I have to drill into your head that Craigslist is not a place of joy?

We can understand his point of view

Not everyone is a fan of Charlie Sheen. It’s suspected that Rachel Oberlin is not, and Emilio Estevez might not be one (the jury’s still out). We suspect, though, that Freddy Caldwell is someone who joins their ranks, though exponentially so.

It’s being reported that Caldwell allegedly called a local channel and threatened to blow up the station if they continued to show reruns of Two And A Half Men. We don’t know for sure, but SG’s own Secret Agent Snee is currently on the investigation regarding the chair-people of the Ashton Kutcher fan club.

So that’s how it is in their school

B.M.C. Durfee High School in Fall River, Mass., has employed a new tactic for getting chronically tardy and truant students into class:

The best part, though? New York City schools use a wake-up call recorded by Magic Johnson, making robo-phone sex the safest sex you could ever have with the former NBA all-star.

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?