Tag: New York

The toilet paper is too damn high!

Unfortunately, as always in life there are goodniks and no-goodniks. More often than not, the no-goodniks tend to cost us more in life, whether it be a financial or intangible expense. No-goodniks, it would seem, have cost the people that use the bathrooms at the New Rochelle train station in New York said bathrooms. Cue puns stating crappy behavior and whatnot.

Obviously, there’s been a bit of an economic crunch over the past couple of years, if you haven’t noticed, and while we’re slowly getting out of it, the emphasis is on slowly. As such, things like repairs tend to cost a fair amount of money, though the city government might say too much money, and the bathrooms are being closed. However, this has angered many (dare I say tens of tens?) patrons who use the restrooms. Coincidentally enough, the bathrooms on the trains themselves haven’t actually been closed.

I can’t understand why someone would actually want to use a public restroom, much less at a train station, but there are apparently those that do. Why would you do such a thing?

Well, He did love the whores

Members of the Our Lady of Lourdes Church received a special visit from the Nassau County (N.Y.) Health Department. It appears that someone on the “manufacturing” end of the communion wafers turned out positive for hepatitis A. Health officials know who it is, but refuse to name any names.

Look, Nassau County. We’re not stupid. We know Whose body they’ve been eating.

But, fair enough. We’re satisifed so long as everyone’s vaccinated and somebody has a Father-Son-Holy Spirit talk.

The U.N. stinks

The U.N. Security Council and General Assembly were evacuated from their Manhattan headquarters Tuesday for the world’s first smell day.

After spending several hours in the cold outside, making fun of each others’ cooking, the delegates were finally let back in when it was determined the odor was nothing dangerous.

Authorities believe the smell was a combination of factors stemming from the East River and sewage lines, but Pakistan still insists that India has “the curriest curry farts that ever curried.”

How do you solve a problem like $850,000?

Sister Marie Thornton is not your ordinary nun. By day, she runs the finances at Iona College. By night, she gambles in Atlantic City. But, when she finds herself under federal investigation for an $850,000 paycheck she doesn’t remember cashing, she’s Nun Too Pleased.

If you see one holiday movie this year, make it Tron, because this one isn’t playing in theaters.

Coming soon to a court near New Rochelle, New York!

Regular smokes aren’t obscure enough

When last we talked to you, loyal reader, about cigarettes, it was in regard to the danger that their new packaging may now be creating. Graphic! So so graphic! And the unheralded racism!

Well guess what, world. It’s not over yet.

R.J. Reynolds has decided to create a flavor for their Camel cigarettes-hipster. Okay, it’s not so much a flavor as it’s a packaging subline for the former Camel Blues, formerly of the Camel Lights nomenclature, but never has the sweet and fulfilling taste of nicotine felt so smooth and pretentious. The Williamsburg Camel cigarettes are being based off the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York, reportedly the hipster capitol of New York.

According to Camel’s very own website, the Williamsburg experience is summed up as being “about the last call, a sloppy kiss goodbye and a solo saunter to a rock show in an abandoned building.”

We can only assume that the cigarettes will taste like ridiculous old 45’s and be shaped like douches, in honor of their target demographic.

Now presiding, Judge Ninja Turtle

Creative sentencing may be all the rage among people in society, as who doesn’t enjoy the eye for an eye scenario, right? Okay, if you’re the victim of a financial swindling, you might prefer your money back instead having the guilty party have to play 5 straight shows of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida using a kazoo, but what if you’re not a person? What if you’re a state or a government? It’s time to get crafty.

Joseph Jacobbi did not pay his taxes. BUT! Rather than send him to jail, State Supreme Court Justice Russell P. Buscaglia of Buffalo, New York, had him pay $25,000, which is just part of the money that he withheld from the state. Oh, and he then has to make and deliver 12 pizzas to a mission every Tuesday for the next 52 subsequent ones.

“I will leave the choice of toppings up to you,” he told the nonplussed restaurant owner.

The guys guess that the toppings probably won’t include green peppers. It’s just a guess.

Can you save me now? Good.

It only takes a fraction of a second to spell the difference between life and death when a bullet comes into the equation. High velocity projectiles can travel over a distance in no time and often can’t be stopped by obstacles. Well, most obstacles. Every now and then, you hear of something that manages to save someone by magically stopping the bullet.

Despite what fellow guy Bryan McBournie might tell you, you certainly won’t hear of a Droid phone saving a person like that.

It’s literally he said, she said

Angie L. Jenkins told a boy she played World of Warcraft with that she was 21. She’s actually 35. He told her he was 20. He was actually 15. Can we say romantic comedy?

After meeting in 2009, the pair developed a relationship that began online, moved to phone conversation and ultimately ended with a rendezvous in a car park in Amherst, New York, where the pair had sex, despite the unnamed boy being only 16 at the time. Jenkins has since been charged with “using the Internet to entice an underage person into sexual activity”, her undoing being that, during their earlier communications, the boy eventually and explicitly told her he was only 15, yet she kept up her pursuit, later telling a federal agent “it did not matter how old he was”. After all, love cares not for age nor legal status, right?

It’s not known at the moment just how Jenkins, a mother of five, was tracked down, but when the FBI got hold of her World of Warcraft username, all it took was an administrative subpoena to WoW developers Blizzard and they had her name and contact details. So, hey, you night elf and paladin in the corner over there-knock it off!

Babies > maces

Oh Walmart. The crimes that linger in and around your stores give us no dearth of laughs. I mean, obviously, it can be gathered that the majority of the people that commit acts of disingenuous behavior in your presence probably aren’t the smartest people in their locale; however, there are some members of the intelligencia living among the detritus.

After all, how else can you explain using a newborn baby as a blunt object in order to avoid being captured by the authorities, especially if you’re the parent of said child? Had he used a baby, mighty Casey Jones may not have struck out. Had she used a baby, perhaps Elin could have gotten answers out of Tiger a lot earlier.

Sadly, we’ll never know. The only evidence we have is a Syracuse woman stealing a large amount of goods from a store and then using a baby in a baby carrier like a ye olde ball and chain against a loss prevention officer in the attempt to flee the store. A flee attempt that eventually ended unsuccessfully, mind you. Alas, we may never know this secret of the world.

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”