Only Americans are killed with guns

After last week’s shooting spree at the American Civic Association, an immigrant education center, in Birmingham, New York, Sen. Charles Schumer has proposed a bill to posthumously award citizenship to those who were killed before becoming United Statesians.

Since the U.S. has the highest gun death rate above the other 20 richest nations, it does seem a purely American act to die in a random shooting spree. Let’s bury them each with a Big Mac and call it American tragedy.

Gunmen have keen sense of smell

Smokey, the Gun Safety BearWhen a friend of SeriouslyGuys, Bobby Finstock, wrote about taking this morning’s depressing news and feeding it through an internal spin doctor, we were surprised to discover just how grim all of today’s news really is.

We wake up much later than Bobby — whose early mornings indicate he may be a bad Mennonite for using the Internet — so we were surprised to find the news had not improved by the crack of 2:30 pm. Fortunately, we found a terrible story with a silver lining.

13 people, many recent immigrants, were killed in a shooting spree at the American Civic Association in Birmingham, New York on Friday. Horrible, right?

The first casualty, Secretary Shirley DeLuccia, survived her gut shot by playing dead.

So, if you’re ever confronted by a gunman in the wild, play dead. Gunmen only shoot live prey and will move on to their next meal, which can be found in the dumpster behind the ranger station. Also, never position yourself between a gunman and its cubs.

Easy to solve mystery stumps New York

New York, New York, it’s a helluva town. It’s also not the smartest one either. Residents of the Palisades community of New York have reported seeing a big black cat roaming around their residences. Sightings size it up at larger than a mid-size dog.

This isn’t that hard to solve. It’s simply former martial arts movie actor Jim Kelly taking a leisurely stroll around a New York suburb while out on vacation from his Southern California home. Geez, talk about jumping to conclusions, you racist people.

Wait. What’s that you say? It’s got a tail? And fur that’s not spread out similar to a large afro?

Oh, it’s totally a really big black panther then. That’s right animals, we’re on to your late-night espionage tactics!

Story courtesy of Adrienne

You can set a world record, but you’re still the lamest kid in school

Danny Johnson, Wednesday, set a new world record in Guitar Hero III, toppling the previous record set last August in Minnesota.

This is what counts for news these days.

Seth Schiesel reports that Johnson recorded a score of 973,954 in a roughly seven-minute rendition of DragonForce’s Through the Fire and Flames at a Best Buy in Midtown Manhattan. Preparing for the record-setting run, Johnson went through about 80 Guitar Hero controllers, destroying them over the last nine months in practice sessions.

80 Guitar Hero controllers? That’s a lot money, even if you got them used.

Okay, let me revise the title: You can set a world record, but you’re still the lamest (though a member of possibly the most loaded family) kid in school. Word.

Science says Whitney Houston did not lie

Very romantic scientists at Stony Brook University in New York discovered that certain amount of married people experience “Endless Love.” They also proved that someone may or may not “Always Love You” and verified that the entire Michael Bolton catalog applies to a handful of test subjects.

For the study, they compared brain scans of couples who had been together for 20 years to those who had just reached third base, maybe made it home once. About 10 percent of the longtime couples reacted the same as new couples when shown pictures of their partners. (Another 10 percent reacted by needing a drink.)

So, if you’re in a committed relationship and feel just as strongly about your partner as when you met, great. For the rest of you, you now have to fake it because your partner will read this report.

The year they fined Santa

New York is trying to become America’s Christmas hatingest city this year, and from what we have seen, it’s way out in front. Olympia, Washington has nothing on the Big Apple.

Santa Claus was delivering presents in Brooklyn recently, and he found out the hard way that parking laws apply to him, even though he is a seemingly immortal elf who regularly braves animal attacks for our benefit. This time, San Nicolas was operating under the false identity of Chip Cafiero, a “retired schoolteacher.”

On Black Friday, he parking his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV assisting him was double-parked next to the carriage and a traffic cop noticed.

Santa says he yelled “Ho! Ho! Ho!” to get the traffic agent’s attention because the SUV wasn’t blocking traffic. But in his words, “This grinch just went ahead and fined me.”

Sure, it’s nothing like the booing Santa got from Philadelphia Eagles fans during a game in the 60s, but that’s pretty rotten. Santa didn’t have it easy last year, either.

The McBournie Minute: It’s the most lethal time of the year

Thanksgiving has come and gone and left behind the traditional amount of deaths and injuries in its wake. We all know that it’s nice to go home for the holidays, but really, isn’t the true American holiday tradition that of finding new ways to hurt ourselves.

I’m not talking about family arguments and hurt feelings, I’m talking about injuries both turkey-related and non-turkey-related.

Perhaps the biggest domestic story of the Thanksgiving break was the traditional late-NFL season Wound From a Deadly Weapon (WFDW). New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, a poster child for why our heroes suck, was shot at a night club. It was only found out later that the person who shot Burress was Burress. Not only can this man catch anything thrown at him, he can even catch a bullet. He currently leads his team in WFDWs, but the Cincinnati Bengals league the league overall. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: It’s the most lethal time of the year

Spitzer hooker comes clean

(What? Why are you snickering?)

Just when no one could give a damn about Ashley Alexandre Dupre, the call girl who was linked to former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s downfall, she’s decided to try the next oldest profession: media attention whoring.

Just when Silda Wall Spitzer might have moved on, Dupre’s centerstage again, apologizing through newspapers, Diane Sawyer and anyone else who wants to hear about her music, fashion and — this just in — upcoming books.

She stressed in the Diane Sawyer interview that she will never delve into prositution again, and then followed that up with more details about her “strictly business” sex with Spitzer, including that he didn’t want to talk and that he used a condom when having sex with a whore.

Silda is apparently unavailable for comment as she hasn’t publicly expressed her relief at the release of these details and Dupre’s new fall fashion line.

Teenager Power!

No pizzas can save you now! NONE!

Not one adolescent male hated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80s. They were easily part of the five figure groups for boys toys. I’ll easily admit that even I dressed up as one for Halloween. Turtles were awesome.

However, playing TMNT back then was acceptable. Playing TMNT now just gets you lost in sewers. Especially if you’re 17. And living in Queens. I mean, if you reside there, then Spider-Man should be your hero, not the turtles. Everyone knows that they resided under Brooklyn.

Probably the coup-de-gras of the situation was posted by one of the police officers:

“These three idiots were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wanted to go into the sewers,” said one police source. “They were never in danger, just goofing off and being stupid.”

You know you’ve messed up bad when a police officer is belittling you in a public forum.