The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.
Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.
The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.
In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.
They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.
Here in America, we take it for granted that there aren’t dead animals sealed inside our beer bottles — until the craft beer movement decides that’s the next cool trend anyway. But if you go drinking in the land of New Zeals, make sure to look your drink over first.
A New Zealand woman reports that she found a dead lizard at the bottom of a beer she was enjoying over the weekend. She took to Facebook to complain that her Pure Blonde beer, an Australian low-carb brew, had a nasty surprise at the bottom. What’s worse than finding a dead lizard in your beer? Being forced to admit online that you drink low-carb beer, which tastes so bad that you couldn’t tell there was a dead animal soaking in it.
Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.
New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.
Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.
Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.
So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.
Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.
The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?
And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)
Things are tense in New Zealand today. An entire town is being held hostage, and the captors haven’t made their demands known. They just say “Baa” a lot.
The residents of Blackball say some 16 goats have been terrorizing the town. They report that the goats roaming the town under the cover of night and systematically eating up gardens. The fearsome flock doesn’t seem to have an owner, and residents are ready to fight back.
We can only hope that this isn’t an animal distraction from a bigger planned attack.
Is it time for the craft beer movement to come to an end? The Guys really enjoy beer, especially the kind of beer than isn’t crappy. But there’s a part of the craft brewing movement that’s all about extreme things. And it might just have hit its limit.
If the extreme brewing sect ends, you can trace it back to New Zealand, specifically, a stout brewed with elk semen. Choice Bros. calls it a “milked” stout. (Get it guys? Get it? Milked!) It’s been brewed for the Green Man Pub in Wellington, which apparently does something like these every couple years. Back in 2011, it was apple-infused horse semen shots, in 2013, they served syringes of stag semen.
So if you think ingesting alcohol mixed with the seminal fluids of an animal sounds like a good time, here’s your new favorite bar.
Science has just found that humanity is long overdue for a victory lap in New Zealand.
Some time in the 13th century, the Polynesians colonized what today is New Zealand, which was ruled by nine different species of large, flightless birds called “moas.” Some of species stood up to six feet tall. It took humans only 200 years to wipe out all nine species, and that’s without guns.
So strike up the band, raise a glass to those brave warriors who won us a nontuple victory.
Here in the U.S. we know that our elected officials aren’t good people, but at least we know they’re people. New Zealanders can’t always say the same.
John Key, the prime minister of New Zealand, had to confirm this week that he is not, in fact, a shapeshifting reptile person. No, really. A man filed a formal request under the country’s Official Information Act, which we assume is like our Freedom of Information Act, only there, they actually answer things, instead of giving you documents covered in redaction pen.
Key went to a doctor and a vet to confirm that he isn’t a lizard, all because some guy asked nicely. Can you imagine Barack Obama going to a vet? He’d sooner go to the gyno. And George W. Bush? He won’t tell you about the fact that he had breast reduction surgery in college (he did), you’ll have to wait until he dies to go through his medical records. Decades!
All in all, Key’s non-reptileship is good news for his country and for himself. If he had actually been a reptile man, he would have had to fight William Shatner.