Tag: new zealand

It is (and yet, it isn’t) the most metal gun ever

Borderlands and Borderlands 2 are a pair of games that have ridiculous guns with equally ridiculous names. It’s not unusual to come across a “bone-splitter” type pistol, a “bone-crusher” type shotgun or an “emulsifier” type bazooka. An artist in New Zealand has decided to make an equally ridiculous weapon: an assault rifle made of bones.

According to Mahalski, the creator of the piece, various bones of animals were used to construct the gun, including the skull of the now extinct moa bird. Bidding is now open for it (starting at 3500 dollars), but sadly, the gun is non-working and shoots nothing. Neither bullets nor the skulls of their deceased friends can be launched at our enemies.

Kiwis mull cat internment

Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.
Cat nuts have already begun stockpiling cats and have pledged not to let the government take them from their cold, slightly furry hands.

New Zealanders have long been referred to as Kiwis, the flightless bird that they adopted as their national symbol. But, their infatuation with another animal menace, cats, now threatens their national identity.

Not only is New Zealand the most filmed country in the world by Peter Jackson (which makes it the most filmed in the world because every frame Peter Jackson directs is solid gold), it’s also the highest concentration of cat owners in the world. A full 28 percent of New Zealanders own one cat, while an additional 20 percent own two or more.

Unfortunately, that amount of cats are doing a real number on the native bird species, so much so that it’s got economist Gareth Morgan’s dander up. While Morgan isn’t suggesting that every New Zealander summarily execute his or her feline (yet), it is time to keep them permanently indoors.

It’s either that, or maybe next time New Zealand should pick a national symbol that can fly away from danger.

Calling a tiny shovel ‘a tiny shovel’

Sure, that hive of partially Africanized honeybees in Tennessee was destroyed (and became the working title of our first children’s book). But, that doesn’t mean the threat is over. In other parts of the world, there’s a menace nobody likes to talk about, probably because it sounds a little racist: Africanized elephants.

Well, we can’t keep silent anymore. A zookeeper died trying to keep this secret. She was killed by Mila, a 39-year-old Africanized elephant.

If you’re not worried because you don’t live in New Zealand, you should be. That’s not to say you’re in grave danger here in non-hobbit country. Just make sure to wash your Gala apples to remove any elephant eggs before eating.

Almost double downing down under

New Zealand, also known as Australia’s little brother, will soon be able to partake in the self-destructive joy that is the KFC Double Down. As the people of the country are known for being a sturdier and hardier group of individuals, this should potentially be cause for celebration. Except, not everyone in New Zealand is keen on the sandwich-zilla making its way into their neck of the woods.

TV cook Annabelle White calls the bunless sandwich a “crime against food” and says there is “absolutely nothing redeeming about this product.”

Normally, I’d call somebody out on using hyperbole, but, in White’s defense, it is a fairly horrific sandwich in appearance. In the article’s picture, the chicken breasts look like a combination of chicken and a hash brown/round, the sauce looks like it might drip all over whatever you’re wearing and the bacon slices mock you. They mock you and your beating (but not for long) heart.

YES! YES! YES!

I can’t stress to you just how Not Safe For Work the link for this story is, and as such, if you click on it at work, you will be fired.

I warn you about it now. Do you understand me?

To repeat, as there will almost no people able to read this story initially, as if they click on the link, they will be fired. The link comes from a news source, but there is glorious rampant nudity in the main image. As such, allow me to sum up the story for you: Ukrainian feminists are fighting sex tourism through nudity.

Yes, you just read that. That is sound logic that SG agrees with.

Again, the link is highly Not Safe For Work. Click at your own risk. You have been warned.

By the madness of Denethor!

As this crazy war drags on, it’s only natural to wonder if we’re truly different from our animal foes. We both eat other animals, drink air, breathe water and inadvertently procreate when we just wanted to establish some dominance.

But, are they as nerdy as us?

Apparently moreso: 80 whales beached themselves on the coast of New Zealand, hoping to catch an early glimpse of the filming of The Hobbit.

Stupid whales. For animals that are supposed to be so intelligent, they could have at least found out from IMDB.com that it hasn’t even been cast yet.

We don’t want what New Zealand’s got

This just in: 95 percent of you are disgusting, and a full quarter of you are walking public health saboteurs.

Well, we can’t say that’s true for the entire population. The research was conducted exclusively in New Zealand, so really it’s the Kiwis that are trying to infect us all.

Hippy gets lucky

The controversy over whaling practices are a big deal in Japan, and around the world. But one New Zealand protester took things to the extreme, and now he’ll be serving jail time for it-but not enough of it. Peter Bethune, 45, was accused of trespassing, forcible obstruction of business, assault, property destruction, and violating the firearms and swords control law.

Bethune pleaded guilty to four out of five charges, with the exception of the assault charge, as he claimed it was never his intent to hurt anyone. Bethune allegedly worked with members of the Sea Shepard Conservation Society, and launched a bottle of butyric acid onto the deck of the Shonan Maru No.2, the security escort ship for the fleet, on February 11. On February 15, Bethune cut the ship’s net with a knife and boarded the Shonan Maru No.2.

Apparently, due to admitting his guilt in most of the charges and expressing “deep regret” for his actions, Bethune’s prison sentence was suspended from five years down to two. That’s essentially a slap on the wrist and weird math.

I’m all for protesting for most things that make sense, but once you get to the point where you’re launching acid, and boarding ships with knives, then yeah, you probably deserve to go to jail. Or become a pirate. Whichever comes first.

Bored? Why wait?

“There was nothing else to do.”

That was the actual defense used by Paul Nigel Sneddon of New Zealand. Why exactly was it used as a defense? Because Sneddon plead guilty to drunk driving when officers arrived at the scene, which I’ll now paint for you: Sneddon in his Ford Laser, flipped over, casually drinking another beer.

Talk about a man who utilizes what he has on hand. If he was on the set of The Towering Inferno, he might use the residual flames to light his cigarette. If he was in the Superdome in August of 2005, he might decide to go for a swim. And if he were trapped in an avalanche, Sneddon might very well decide to go for a sno-cone.