Tagged: news

| Filed under Scurry '16

Trump: Man of 140 characters (or less)

Follow @realDonaldTrump for all the news that nobody objective with a conscience will print without questioning it.

Part of The Guys’ preparation for President-elect Trump’s inauguration this week is to cancel our newspaper subscriptions. Why pay for a service that the next president won’t talk to when we can read his deepest, most planned out thoughts for free on Twitter? It’s the very least that we, his soon-to-be constituents can do since he doesn’t even like tweeting, you guys.

According to his own words (if they can be trusted) during a Fox News interview with Ainsley Earhardt on Wednesday, Trump has to call out Alec Baldwin, SNL, his replacement on The Apprentice, our free press and our Intelligence Community on Twitter, starting at sometimes the crack of dawn through late at night, because he has no choice! This is a service he provides for you, citizen — so start appreciating it with likes, retweets and #followbacks!

Oh, and also because nobody will quote him without distorting it with cheap media tricks like adding context or republishing his words verbatim:

‘Look, I don’t like tweeting. I have other things I could be doing,’ Trump told Earhardt. ‘But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press, and it’s my only way that I can get out and correct.’

… he said to Fox News. Looks like even a corrupt clock with tiny hands can be right at least once a day.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Drunken turkey frames college kids

Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.

The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.

Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.

| Filed under Booze News, That Wacky Australia

In some parts of the world, booze is hard to come by

You’re lucky to be a drunk in the U.S. That is, of course, if you’re reading this in the U.S., and a drunk. People who like to bend an elbow don’t have it so lucky in other parts of the world.

In remote parts of Australia, people are using Vegemite to make booze. The spread contains yeast, so desperate Aussies who want a buzz use it to make the Australian equivalent of bathtub gin. This had led to calls to limit Vegemite purchases, which in turn led to a panic to keep Vegemite legal. This is a serious issue.

But not as serious as the situation in Venezuela, where they are slowing beer production because of a shortage of the grains and hops necessary to brew. Understandably, the nation is freaking out.

So enjoy that next sip, you patriotic lush.

| Filed under Regular Post

Woman afraid of newspapers may not be crazy

The good news is, her phobia will die soon.

A woman in England has an intense fear of newspapers, so much that she cannot even look at them, according to reports, granted they are from British newspapers, so it could be made up. For about 25 years, Diane Freelove has had chloephobia, and it’s gotten worse as time goes on. At one point, she only needed to wash her hands after holding a newspaper, now she hates the smell of them.

On the list of irrational fears, this is not one of them.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1990-1999)

For the U.S. the 1990s was a time of relative peace. To borrow from Dickens, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was a time of oral sex in executive buildings and clear colas. It was a time of grunge and it was a time of Hanson. It was a time of the wild west Internet and it was a time of Y2K fears.

History looks back on the 1990s as yet another decade of self-indulgence. It marked for many the hastening of corporations to catch on to and exploit new trends with the youth, and it was also when gold rimmed glasses were in fashion (I should know). In comparison to the troubles found before and after it, the 1990s seem almost like a party–a party where you have to wear your pants baggy.

Grab your Tamagotchi and hit the jump. Continue reading

| Filed under Too Soon?

Another day, another Hitler headline

Adolf Hitler, the dead dictator of Deutchlund (that’s alliteration, Kyle), has made yet another headline this week, this time through Fox News’ pressing coverage of YouTube fads.

For the uninitiated, a YouTube fad is a joke that other people imitate for about 2 days, and then promptly becomes unfunny when Fox News covers it as News.

Users are posting footage of the mustachioed, megalomaniacal mastermind of mass murder (boo-yah) yelling at underlings in the 2004 movie, Downfall, with new subtitles about why he’s pissed:

Of course, it wouldn’t be a news report about a fleeting cultural phenomenon on Fox unless somebody was offended. A group representing Holocaust survivors has objected to at least one video in which the balmy Bavarian bratwurst-eschewing bomb-dodger has trouble finding parking in Tel Aviv, Israel.

To be honest, you’d probably have to be Jewish to get that one, anyway.

| Filed under Take it from Snee, The SeriouslyTimes 2028

Take it from Snee: 2028 Predictions

OL, so most a few of my 2008 Predictions were proven wrong. (There’s no point in revisiting any of them or eating any crow.) I’ve learned my lesson about dabbling in the dark, forbidden arts and will never repeat my mistakes again.

So, now I’m going to make a prediction that I can smugly point to for 20 years before proven wrong. I hereby introduce my first in a series of 2028 news predictions. Continue reading

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Open flame edition

YMI1Welcome to a new weekly feature we like to call You Missed It. No “In Case” just “You Missed It.” Every Friday around lunch time, we’ll run down the major news stories of the week, so you don’t have to feel like you aren’t paying attention.

Olympic Torch Relay
The Olympic torch relay made stops in Europe and North America this week, and all went according to plan. Protests in London, Paris and San Francisco were disrupted by protests against China’s human rights history. One green protester with bolts in his neck was heard to say, “Fire bad!”

American Airlines Cancels Flights
Thousands across the country were stranded this week when American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights because the planes had to be inspected for mechanical problems. Many passengers are still waiting at airports for another flight, but American Airlines made amends Friday when the company released a special announcement congratulating the passengers on their extended vacation.

Fall Out Boy Bassist, Ashlee Simpson Engaged
On Wednesday, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz announced their engagement. The couple said they do not have a wedding date set, but Simpson will head into the studio later this month to record the audio for her part of the ceremony.

Polygamist Ranch in Texas
Police in Texas raided a compound owned by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, claiming members of the church forced teen girls to marry and have sex with them. Hear that, pedophiles? Get organized and invest in real estate.

| Filed under Booze News

Repeal the unjust drinking law!

Right now, at this very moment, over 7 million people in this country are horribly oppressed. These are legal U.S. citizens, of all races, religions and political affiliations. They are single, married, divorced. They are young and they are old. The one thing they truly have in common is that they have the misfortune of living in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

“Commonwealth” is a pretentious name for “state” used by Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Virginia.

In any case, Virginians are being oppressed by their own state government. The worst part is the vast majority of them don’t even know it. What is it? It’s a law that says it is illegal to make sangria within the state borders.

Sangria, the famous Spanish drink, is not allowed to be made in its true form, because the law says you cannot mix wine or beer with distilled spirits. If you make the drink, you could get locked up for a year. To this blog, that punishment is much stiffer than the drink itself.

Yes Virgina, there is sangria. It could be coming your way soon because the state general assembly is going to look at the law and hopefully change it. The Guys are sending Bryan Schools, the closest member to Richmond to protest outside the Virginia General Assembly all week long.