You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It can only get worse from here

In a world like ours where, no matter how slim it is, there’s a chance of having President Donald Trump, President Ron Paul (or for the visual-based people, President Six Flags Dancing Old Man Guy) or even scarier, President Newt (seriously, does he legitimately think that’s a good name for anyone?), someone else has decided to throw a hat into the ring.

Tread carefully, because there is now the possibility of having President Roseanne Barr.

Being of legal age and qualifying under all of the other guidelines, Barr has filed paperwork to become a candidate, hoping to get the Green Party’s nomination. While she has good enough ideas, the concept of replacing meat with nuts is something that SG Towers cannot back.

Oh, and why did we say it can only get worse from here? While it’s only speculation, imagine these words: Vice President Fran Drescher. The White House will be the most noise pollution-filled house ever in the country.

Perry loses critical Thanksgiving endorsement

Not satisfied with letting Newt Gingrich offend the entire African-American community here in the U.S., Texas Gov. Rick Perry set his sites higher and offended an entire country.

Perhaps considering its own run in the Republican presidential primary, Turkey condemned attacks by Gov. Perry at the recent South Carolina GOP debate. He accused the country of “being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists,” and suggested the best way to remedy that is to cut off their foreign aid.

It should be noted that foreign aid to Turkey was originally part of the Marshall Plan to repair their post-World War II economy and stop the spread of communism, which should prompt Republican voters to ask why Perry is soft on communism.

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

Newtlemania reaches its logical end

It only took about a week before the country experienced Newt-fatigue, and that’s in a season where, as a nation, we’re content to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

What could have brought us to this moment? Was it when Newt signed a pledge to uphold the institution of marriage … this time? Was it Glenn Beck calling anyone who backed Cain and then moved on to Newt a racist? Or, maybe it was Newt’s plan to ease up child labor laws, so teens could learn what it means to work two jobs (so long as you count 6-7 hours a day in school a job) and still not be able to afford to live away from home.

At this point, who could really know why specifically?

Newt pledges third time’s the charm

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich signed the Family Leader’s pledge to personally uphold the institution of marriage by remaining faithful to his current spouse, something that wedding vows to God and the state have failed to cover in Newt’s past for some reason. But, the former Speaker of the House who once spent months impeaching a President for similar behavior says that — this time — he means it to an Iowa social conservative group in the run-up to their primary.

Newt acknowledged his prior whoopsididdles, reminding everyone that he is now a 68-year-old grandfather. “C’mon, it’s not like I’m gonna do any better than this blonde blowbot,” he ended the written statement.

‘Different’ is a pretty sad euphemism

When it comes to this year’s Republican primary, it’s certainly been raining s@#t on Newt Gingrich. Earlier this month, his campaign staff resigned en masse, and two of his top fundraisers follow suit on Tuesday. His war chest is currently $1 million in the hole, and that doesn’t count money owed to Tiffany’s.

But, that can’t stop a man who once ground our government to a halt because the President didn’t have Newt’s decency to marry the girl who sucked his dick.

No, Newt said, “I’m different,” and further compared himself to Ronald Reagan, whose once lost 13 staffers on a bar bet.

In response, Sarah Palin said, “Oh yeah?” and has taken his plan one step further by resigning from her own campaign bus tour.

Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.

The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)

It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: America steps it up