Washington Redskins ‘thrilled’ to win right to slur by proxy

The Washington Redskins: the Aunt Jemima of football — legally protected, but oof.

The Washington Redskins have long been a team of contradictions and frustrations — always trying to have it both ways.

They talk every year about how this is the draft where they take building a defense seriously, and then throw away millions and risk the franchise tag on the latest and (once) greatest wide receivers. They’ve thrown their weight behind 20 different quarterbacks and eight head coaches in 20 years, and it’s only a matter of time before they turn on their latest ones.

And now that the Asian-American punk band, The Slants, won their U.S. Supreme Court case to trademark a racial slur, owner Dan Snyder¬†is “thrilled” that his team’s name — which was previously not a slur, but “an honor” — is now likely a legally protected slur.

While The Guys fully agree that the government should stay out of deciding which speech is offensive and isn’t (well, until the next debate over National Endowment for the Arts funding), it’s probably not great if your name is only kosher because of free speech. Welcome to the same legal defense as the Klan, the Westboro Baptists and every dude with a strong opinion about feminism online.

But, hey, we’re proof positive that you can’t legislate common decency.

You Missed It: Laundry day edition

The clothing equivalent of a fancy truck that never leaves paved roads.

The other day I got an email from Yahoo telling me it’s time to renew the fantasy football league I run. Yahoo, and football, and f&#$ off. It’s April, this is not football time. This is baseball time. This is playoff hockey time. Yes, it’s even playoff basketball time. I don’t care about the NFL season schedule’s release. I don’t care about the NFL draft. Football can some find me in August. Until then, it can go back to sweeping scandals under the rug. If you were busy complaining about how hard it is being president this week, odds are you missed it.

For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.

It’s never OK to joke about suicide
This week, the Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.

Airline kills bunny
United Airlines’ PR turbulence continues this week when a breeder reported that a giant rabbit died on a United flight from the U.K. to Chicago. The airline apologized for the incident, and sent its condolences to the owner, but said the rabbit refused to give up its seat, and authorities had to step in.

Von Miller farts a lot

A locker room is a smelly place, but evidently, a locker room with Von Miller is much, much worse.

The Denver Broncos have a fart tax of $500. If someone smells it, and you dealt it, you’re fined $500. That’s enough to pucker many a butt hole, except for Miller’s. According to reports, he was fined $15,000 during the season for his farts. The fart tax seems to have been applied to only Miller.

In a locker room of over 50 dudes, there’s got to be a lot of farting going on, so the athletes are probably used to it. But Miller’s farts are so bad these guys had to impose a fine on him.

Why is a guy with such a smelly butt the spokesman for Old Spice?

Good news: NFL cured breast cancer?

Unfortunately, nobody could tell that the Colts were raising awareness for colorectal cancer by wearing blue and playing with their heads up their asses.

It appears that the Era of Pink NFL Octobers is drawing to a close. Since 2009, the NFL claims to have raised $15 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by selling pink merchandise, which their players market by wearing on field. But, now the league will allow teams to choose which cancer they will observe and fund-raise for during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Some teams may choose to keep the “breast” in Breast Cancer Awareness Month and wear pink in October. Others may choose colors to raise money for cancers that only affect the coach or team directly or even change from year-to-year based on which cancer is really popular these days. But, it must be during October and not during the appropriate month for such things, like … oh, we don’t know … testicular and prostate cancer in November?

The important thing here is that the NFL doesn’t focus too much time or energy on any one fatal, life-ruining ailment.

The McBournie Minute: We don’t actually care about the National Anthem

Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.

Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.

But whatever happens, Kaepernick has exposed one thing about America: no one really cares about the National Anthem. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We don’t actually care about the National Anthem

You Missed It: Dick joke edition

This guy has had more leaked photos than the Fappening.
This guy has had more leaked photos than the Fappening.

Oh look, the New England Patriots are 3-0! I know you guys probably hate the Pats, but I get to gloat. You can either sit through it or scroll down. The NFL, led by the crybaby Colts, wanted to hurt the smug Patriots for a BS rule violation other quarterbacks say they break routinely, by suspending Tom Brady, the greatest of our time. Everyone thought that was going to handicap the season. And wouldn’t you know, they’re 75% of the way through the suspension and undefeated. They just blanked Houston and J.J. Watt, who found time between shooting commercials with Peyton Manning and Papa John to play some defense. This is fun. Are you guys having fun? I am. If you were busy posting that stupid “describe yourself in three characters” on Facebook this week, odds are you missed it.

Carlos Danger is bad at secrets
This week, Anthony Weiner, the one-man answer to the question “Is sex addiction really a thing?” got caught again. According to reports, this time he was sexting a 15-year-old girl. Just weeks after getting caught–again–and his wife filing for divorce, a high school girl said she has been carrying on a months-long sexting relationship with Weiner, 51. But I think everyone deserves a 16th chance, don’t you?

Let’s hop on the sponsored content train
A new study finds that smoking can damage your DNA for 30 years, and sometimes permanently. But really, if you’re smoking that much, aren’t those the same thing? That same news, sponsored by Phillip Morris: A new study finds that smoking is so cool, it injects coolness into your DNA–sometimes permanently. So light one up today, you’ll be cool inside and out.

Smith family broken
Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. There, now you can tune out your girlfriend when she starts talking about it this weekend.

You Missed It: Technical difficulties edition

Home of the land, and the land of the free. If you don't like it, leave.
Home of the land, and the land of the free. If you don’t like it, leave.

Can anyone tell me why we play the National Anthem before sporting events? It’s tradition at this point, but what was the thinking behind it, and when did it start? I bet some time around the beginning of the Cold War, MLB execs thought it would be good for marketing purposes, and every other sport followed. It’s not like we even apply it across the board. The PGA doesn’t play it at all. The NFL charges the military for it. Youth leagues don’t play it. They don’t even open sessions of Congress with it. We all just agree to sit through a minute or so of someone singing about a war we forgot, and we get mad if people don’t stand up or remove their hats while the song is played. If you were busy taking a knee this week, odds are you missed it.

Apple jacks jack
This week, Apple rolled out its latest line of new stuff, which included a new version of a watch no one is buying, and a new version of a smartphone, except without the audio jack everyone uses. Because Steve Jobs didn’t do the presentation, the bad idea was heavily criticized by tech bloggers and consumers alike. In an act of revenge Apple put another new U2 album in the iTunes libraries of every single critic.

Johnson, like rest of America, doesn’t know about Syria
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian presidential nominee and personification of every news article comment section rant, took his message to MSNBC this week, sitting down for a live interview on his ideas. When asked what he would do about Aleppo, asked, “What is Aleppo?” His response question not only cost him credibility points, it cost him $1,600 because he lost his wager on the Daily Double.

Tebow sent to baseball purgatory
The New York Mets signed failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a contract with its minor league system. Because God can troll harder and better than anyone.

NFL cares more about Tom Brady than concussions

Next up: Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.
Next up: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.

According to a newly released congressional report, the National Football League attempted to coerce the National Institute of Health to shape the results of their study on brain injuries. They donated $16 million to fund nearly the entire study and then withdrew their funding when the NIH refused to switch grant recipients or appoint the NFL’s own, non-NIH-affiliated health officials to oversee the study.

So, while $16 million is just too costly for the NFL to study concussions (even with the donated brains of former players who intentionally shot themselves in the chest for the research), it has no problem spending $12.5 million to take Tom Brady to the U.S. f*cking Supreme Court if it needs to over air pressure in footballs.

You Missed It: Full cup edition

Bloomingdale's holiday ad campaign was inspired by the "Blurred Lines" video.
Bloomingdale’s holiday ad campaign was inspired in look and language by the “Blurred Lines” video.

Television has made a lot of advancements over the decades. But as I watched last night’s Jets-Bills game (there was nothing else on) I wondered if color TV was a misstep. Nike introduced the first of their “color explosion” jerseys last night, and they are aptly named. The Bills were decked out in cherry red from the shoulders down, while the Jets were pretty much solid green. It was like watching a bunch of fire hydrants against fake Christmas trees. As if a matchup like that isn’t hard enough to watch normally. If you were busy kicking the media out of your protest this week, you missed it.

Give the gift of unwelcome sexual advances
Fresh off the Starbucks red cup outrage–whatever it was–another company has offended holiday shoppers more than a month away from the holidays where people buy things for other people. Bloomingdale’s, which apparently is still a thing, ran an ad this week suggesting that you “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” That’s undeniably rape-y sounding, but what’s more offensive is that Bloomingdale’s assumes that I would associate with anyone who drinks eggnog that doesn’t have booze in it, much less call them a BFF.

Team Gavin
This week, reports surfaced that the reason Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale is that she found pictures and messages between the Bush frontman and the nanny going back for years on an iPad synced to his iPhone. So please explain to your niece or nephew who these people are and why this is important.

Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed this week that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.

The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember

Halloween has come and gone, and if you’re friends with Rick Snee or Bryan Schools on Facebook, you are well aware that it’s Movember. Yes, it’s that month where some of us pretend that mustaches are cool so we can raise awareness about … something involving dudes and health. It used to be man cancers, and now it seems like various things that affect men’s health.

I’m a dude, so dude health is way up there on my list of priorities. So I guess I have to be on the side of this vague cause. And if you know a guy and are concerned about his health, you should support it, too.

The problem is that groups like the NFL use it to just make a quick buck. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: NFL mustaches don’t donate to Movember