You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

You Missed It: Cliffhanger edition

Congress also forgot to save that town from the flood.

We made it into 2013. We survived the hangovers on New Year’s Day, but there’s one hangover we’re not over yet: the holiday hangover. After weeks of everything everywhere telling us that we are in the midst of a special time of year, it’s just over. We have to go back to regular schedules and act like we’re not special anymore. What’s worse is that it’s January, which means it’s cold and miserable, and you’re probably getting over an illness you picked up from a party. If you were busy announcing you’re going to ESPN after your retirement, odds are you missed it.

Happy fiscal cliff!
This week, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Close the door, have a seat
It was a bloodbath at the end of the NFL regular season. As soon as the games were over, seven teams took no time in letting their coaches go. In fact, Andy Reid was actually fired before the Philadelphia Eagles’ final game, but he coached anyway, which is kind of a metaphor for the team’s entire season. But don’t feel bad, kids. Reid just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s going from cheese steaks to ribs!

Al-Jazeera Gore
Qatari news network Al-Jazeera announced the purchase of Current TV, a left-leaning channel formed in part by former Vice President Al Gore. “I always knew the Democrats were on the side of the terrorists,” said every crazy person with Internet access.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?

January:

Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

Watch out for the Groupon scalpers at the game

The NFL’s Chargers of the city of A Whale’s Vagina have suffered very low attendance records. Given the team’s records over the past decade, that’s understandable: they’re the essentially the reverse New York Giants, being hot in the beginning of the season and then crashing harder Lilo driving on the 405 on a Friday night. As such, they suffer a possible fourth consecutive television blackout on Sunday.

But their loss might be your gain! The football team has paired up with coupon site Groupon to offer a deal to potential fans: cut rate tickets at cut rate prices. Will it work? We don’t know and frankly, we don’t care. The Guys are fans of teams on the eastern coast. You silly California teams matter not to us.

Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

When British General Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington, his drum and fife corps played “The World Turn’d Upside Down.”

History is full of opposite days. So much so, in fact, that I spent every day between kindergarten and today practicing for one. Especially when caught in a childhood gaffe, like accidentally admitting to watching David the Gnome every day. “What? No! I was kidding! It’ s Opposite Day. Or is it?

Reading the news today, it’s either Opposite Day, or I drove through a dimensional detour on my way to work. After all, there are certain truths that will always be true, right? Truths like …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Opposite Day

Good thing the NFL kept cameras out of the bathroom

Even though the NFL kept its promise to keep Madonna dressed, the Parents Television Council is up-in-arms because of a bird. NBC censored British singer M.I.A.’s international diplomacy — you know, the finger? — but, it was a half-second too late for the steely gaze of the PTC, who can spot a nipple through a metal doily from a wide-out crane shot.

The PTC had no problem with the rest of Madonna’s show where she outgayed the gayest gay that ever gayed. Clearly, this is both a victory for and challenge to the gay community if they can’t offend America’s scrappiest PTA anymore.

Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

‘Cherish’ isn’t the word we would use

The National Football League has agreed to continue their long-standing policy of helping Puppy Bowl draw more viewers. That announcement was part of an NFL press release in which they confirmed that Madonna will perform a Cirque du Soleil Super Bowl halftime show.

In past years, the NFL has attempted to send viewers fleeing to images of puppies slobbering over a tiny football by booking

▪  A born-again Prince who doesn’t sing about sex anymore
▪  Paul McCartney, post-Beatles
▪  U2, who refuse to feed Bono to starving Africans
▪  Janet Jackson’s metal nipple doily

If this doesn’t work, the NFL plans to run YouTube videos of people vomiting accompanied by the dulcet tones of a stadium full of vuvuzelas in 2013.

You Missed It: Steve and Company edition

10/5/11: A religious holiday for the Cult of SteveJust when you thought it was safe to go back to the waters of SeriouslyGuys on a Friday evening, DUM-DUM! I strike! As noted last week, Bryan McBournie is on vacation this week. His whereabouts are unknown, but we’re pretty sure he’s not at your kid’s playground in an unmarked white van. After all, there’s a much better chance that he’s right behind you and holding a knife above your neck at this very second. As such, you’re stuck with me. If you were busy protesting a street in Manhattan with a surprising lack of walls, odds are you missed it.

iMiss the guy already

Steve Jobs, creator of all things good at Apple, passed away on Wednesday. According a press release, the man went off into that great big sunset in the sky peacefully and surrounded by friends. It’s not hyperbole to say that Jobs was a pioneer in helping our world interact the way it does on a financial scale thanks to iTunes. No jokes here, kids. We’ll be classy about it, as we don’t actually hate Apple products (in fact, this was typed on one).

But who will take care of all the rowdy friends?

The relationship between Hank Williams Jr. and the opening song for Monday Night Football has been torn asunder, all due to comments made by Williams comparing President Obama to Hitler. Sports radio and podcasts are all wondering what the new intro will be. Suggestions I’ve heard range from the pre-Williams intro, a duet between Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Jon Bon Jovi and Rihanna. In my defense, I listen to the Tony Kornheiser Show.

Unclean! Unclean!

Sickness is in the air! An outbreak of mumps has hit the UC Berkeley campus and a student at Denton High School tested positive for tuberculosis (in an area where a TB scare has already hit). Seeing as how bad things always happen in threes, SG will now predict that the next outbreak of communicable disease will be located at Radford University. We don’t necessarily want to call the health and well-being of our alma mater into question, but we have a hint that sometimes, you can’t change the history of a school.

Eat My Sports: Let’s not go out like Mace Windu

In an interview to hype Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, Samuel L. Jackson said in regards to his character, Mace Windu, that “he doesn’t go out like a b****” (please trust me on this, as my Google-fu is quite weak at the moment and I cannot find said interview; however, this one line was burned into my brain). Obviously, Sammy L was a little off in his revelation, because most assuredly, Mace Windu went out not just a window, but like a b****.

So, how does this relate to sports? Oh, come on. Teams lose games in the worst ways possible. Players leave in the most egregious ways possible. The worst thing is that more often than not, said people have the most potential ever! They’re rife with talent, but it gets squandered in a single moment, usually in an inexplicable manner. It’s time to celebrate the Mace Windu Awards.

Warning: the language is gonna get strong.

Continue reading Eat My Sports: Let’s not go out like Mace Windu