Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.
Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.

A recent National Institutes of Health study found a correlation between rates of depression and drinking sweetened regular and diet sodas, fruit punch and sweetened iced tea.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that soda causes depression; depressed people may just be more likely to pop a can.

But, what’s interesting are the relative levels of depression among the tested beverages. People who drank diet soda were 30 percent more likely to be depressed, while regular soda drinkers only had a 22 percent risk. Fruit punch drinkers, however, were 38 percent more depressed than their non-fruit punch drinking peers.

But, the most depressing statistic? People who drank diet fruit punch were 51 percent more likely to be depressed than anyone else. The lesson here? Diet fruit punch — or diet fruit punch drinkers — is more depressing than a Sarah McLachlan and Sally Struthers duet.

Poop your way to longer life

Have we got good news for those of you who fear dying, ever! According to data from the National Institutes of Health and the AARP, people who consume high fiber diets have a lower risk of death.

The trade-off is that most of that extra time on Earth will be spent on the can.

Now, before you get all excited and take up dangerous deathsports:

1. “Lower risk of dying” does not mean there’s a chance you won’t die at all. This is why doctors aren’t allowed to write childrens’ books. (Seuss flunked out for a dame.)

2. It has to be real fiber: grains like oats and wheat. Leave your grandmom’s basket collection alone.