You Missed It: Tiny spaces edition

The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.
The government says you can just use a toothpick after eating this.

The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.

Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.

Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.

Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,

NFL cares more about Tom Brady than concussions

Next up: Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.
Next up: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.

According to a newly released congressional report, the National Football League attempted to coerce the National Institute of Health to shape the results of their study on brain injuries. They donated $16 million to fund nearly the entire study and then withdrew their funding when the NIH refused to switch grant recipients or appoint the NFL’s own, non-NIH-affiliated health officials to oversee the study.

So, while $16 million is just too costly for the NFL to study concussions (even with the donated brains of former players who intentionally shot themselves in the chest for the research), it has no problem spending $12.5 million to take Tom Brady to the U.S. f*cking Supreme Court if it needs to over air pressure in footballs.


Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.
Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.

A recent National Institutes of Health study found a correlation between rates of depression and drinking sweetened regular and diet sodas, fruit punch and sweetened iced tea.¬† This doesn’t necessarily mean that soda causes depression; depressed people may just be more likely to pop a can.

But, what’s interesting are the relative levels of depression among the tested beverages. People who drank diet soda were 30 percent more likely to be depressed, while regular soda drinkers only had a 22 percent risk. Fruit punch drinkers, however, were 38 percent more depressed than their non-fruit punch drinking peers.

But, the most depressing statistic? People who drank diet fruit punch were 51 percent more likely to be depressed than anyone else. The lesson here? Diet fruit punch — or diet fruit punch drinkers — is more depressing than a Sarah McLachlan and Sally Struthers duet.

Poop your way to longer life

Have we got good news for those of you who fear dying, ever! According to data from the National Institutes of Health and the AARP, people who consume high fiber diets have a lower risk of death.

The trade-off is that most of that extra time on Earth will be spent on the can.

Now, before you get all excited and take up dangerous deathsports:

1. “Lower risk of dying” does not mean there’s a chance you won’t die at all. This is why doctors aren’t allowed to write childrens’ books. (Seuss flunked out for a dame.)

2. It has to be real fiber: grains like oats and wheat. Leave your grandmom’s basket collection alone.