Tagged: north carolina

| Filed under War on Animals

Deer carries out Harrison Ford-style attack on passenger jet

As many East Coast travelers know, Charlotte-Douglas International Airport is an awful, awful place. It’s the busiest airport in North Carolina, so it’s fitting that it’s such a hole. But innocent travelers found their lives in danger when a deer attacked a plane during takeoff.

According to the FAA, a jet carrying 44 passengers headed to Mississippi was struck by a deer on the runway during takeoff yesterday. The plane made it into the air, but was damaged and leaking fuel. Fortunately, it was able to make an emergency landing a few minutes later, and no humans were harmed.

This is yet another reason why you should never fly to, from or through Charlotte. There are plenty of other airports you can gamble your life on.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Half-cocked edition

Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.
Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.

I saw various people this week get upset about a report from employees that Facebook is biased against right-leaning news in its news feed thing. Here’s a question: who cares? Facebook isn’t a news source, as much as it would like to be. The stuff that pops up in its news sidebar are the least important news items out there in the first place. It’s just celebrities are TV news. How a free site chooses what is and isn’t newsworthy in its own judgment should have no impact on your life. The far-right seem to get their news via sharing memes, anyway. If you were busy waiting in the airport security line this week, odds are you missed it.

Gun auction misfires
Noted bigot and fashion critic George Zimmerman managed to crawl back into the headlines this week when he put up for auction the gun he used to murder teenager Trayvon Martin for being black and wearing a hoodie in 2012. Zimmerman said some of the proceeds would go to fight Black Lives Matter. However, the online auction kept getting derailed by activist bidders driving up the price, many of the bids came from a bidder named Racist McShootFace, which means Zimmerman needs to come up with a new name for the boat he’s going to buy.

Smokin’ in the bathroom that matches your gender identity
This week, the Obama administration released a letter of guidance to public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms they are most comfortable with. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory called on Congress and federal courts to defeat the guidance, saying that students should use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. Because North Carolina has a rich history of making people use the bathrooms and water fountains according to certain physical characteristics.

1800s nearly forgotten
The death of the oldest living American this week means that Italian national Emma Morano is the last living person to have seen the 19th century. The 116-year-old was born in November of 1899. She credits her longevity, and this is true, to a daily glass of homemade brandy. So drink to Morano when you hoist one back this weekend. Who knows, maybe one say you’ll be lucky enough to have outlived your siblings, children and anyone else in the world who can relate to you in any way!

| Filed under Booze News, Fun Fact

Fun Fact: FBI wiretapping costs more than beer

"Dear Craigslist ... Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed ... Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you."
“Dear Craigslist … Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed … Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you … Smiley face … Winking face.”

Apparently, it costs more than a couple of cases of beer to get the FBI to go through family members’ texts. At least, that’s what a judge in North Carolina learned after being charged with attempted bribery.

According to the FBI, Superior Court Judge Arnold Ogden Jones was charged with attempted bribery after allegedly offering an agent a couple of cases — y’know, like buddies — if the agent would ignore a lack of probable cause and obtain some text messages for “just for [him].” And who hasn’t asked their neighbor or coworker for that? Violating the U.S. Constitution is just one of those things good friends do, like loan a cup of sugar without habeas corpus or quarter some troops, no questions asked.

Of course, then things got weird because the agent reportedly turned down the beer(!) and asked for $100 instead. Jones should’ve known something was up, because nobody turns down free beer. I mean, cash is nice, but you can’t drink it and, believe us, it doesn’t get you high when you smoke it.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Nut bag edition

Change we can believe in.
Change we can believe in.

Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.

A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.

Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.

The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.

| Filed under Regular Post

North Carolina town faces the power of the Dark Side

“Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.”

The Sith Lord was found at a Pineville bank, holding it up (warning: autoplay). One can presume that he might have been looking for the Millennium Falcon, but let’s be honest, the Death Star isn’t going to pay for itself. Don’t believe me?

“Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!”

| Filed under Regular Post

Mask technology hits new heights, still doesn’t work

A man is being widely acknowledged for using an incredibly realistic and lifelike mask in order to rob a North Carolina bank (warning: autoplay).

Had he used a mask that actually worked, we might not be giving any acknowledgment. Because he’d still be on the lam.

| Filed under Regular Post

Actions have repercussions

A man in Burlington, North Carolina, using the Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Pass, has already eaten there 95 times. It’s not even been two months. It took him just 6 weeks. Some websites are going with that as the headline. We at SG prefer a slightly more … truthful approach. Here are some examples:

  • “Burlington man has diarrhea 95 times”
  • “Burlington man eats 50/50 Italian food 95 times”
  • “Medical breakthrough: Burlington man manages to get diabetes in a month”

And some future headlines:

  • In March 2015: “Burlington man gets first case of super diabetes”
  • In late March 2015: “Burlington man dead from eating at the Olive Garden in under two months”
| Filed under Pirates

Pirate unfairly seen as a threat at school

People are discriminated against every day simply because they dress like a pirate. Last week was not an isolated incident.

On Talk Like a Pirate Day, a North Carolina elementary school staff member dressed as a pirate, probably because he’s a method actor. It wasn’t long before police were called because of a “suspicious person,” and the school was put on lock down. Someone saw the staff member as a threat simply because he chose to dress like a pirate.

The struggle is real.

| Filed under War on Animals

We ain’t sayin’ nothin’

A whole bunch of dead sharks, emphasis on dead, just happened to show up on a beach in North Carolina.

As such, we at SG would like to exercise our right to the fifth amendment. Along with that, we’d like to exercise the seventeenth, twenty-first and twenty-seventh amendments, just in case.

Any questions can be directed to our attorney, Johnny Tightlips.