Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Jesus is for states’ rights in N.C.

Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.
Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, but North Carolina’s not huge on social progress or the law.

A bill in the North Carolina House would establish a state religion just because they don’t want to have to stop praying in an overtly Christian way during local government meetings. This all stems from a dispute between the ACLU and the Rowan County government.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.

“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”

Does too.

“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Wrong again.

“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Actually, it’s the “supreme Law of the Land.”

We’ve been through this before, South. Don’t make us come down there again.

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

School says kids should eat healthier with potentially unhealthier foods, not obviously healthier foods

Nutrition for children isn’t exactly a gray area. Chicken nuggets, obviously, fall under the purview of unhealthy when compared to a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread, especially when said sandwich is coupled with a banana and apple juice.

Well, they do in most parts of the world. Where the comparison fails, though, is in Bizarro World, also known as Raeford, North Carolina.

A preschooler brought the aforementioned healthy lunch, along with potato chips, to school. This was a horrible thing to do, because a representative for the Department of Health and Human Services, coincidentally enough checking all lunchboxes that day, decided that the school provided lunch (chicken nuggets, milk, two servings of fruit or veggies and one serving of grain) was better than home provided lunch.

Technically and in the strictest sense, that’s true, but …. chicken nuggets? Really?

Dr. Evil no longer interested in Walmart

I have breaking news for everyone: Despite what you might have thought in the past, the million dollar bill isn’t actually true legal tender in the United States of America. I know, I know, I too am shocked by this notion. But it seems to be true. Why?

Because Walmart says so.

Well, Walmart and the US government, that is.

See, we know this because a man allegedly walked into a Lexington, North Carolina, Walmart and attempted to buy some regular, run of the mill, household appliances with the aforementioned counterfeit tender. When he continued to push the idea that the bill was real, the police proceeded to push him into jail.

A view to a kill

The ACLU and four other groups will have their day in court to challenge a controversial anti-abortion law in North Carolina. The law requires abortion doctors to show and describe ultrasound images of the fetus to the ex-MILF-to-be before rotor-rooting her coote … insides.

And you know what? The ACLU is right: this law is absurd.

“Absurd” as in “it doesn’t go far enough.” Showing a fuzzy black-and-white image that only a doctor can describe won’t pull hard enough at a mother’s heartstrings.

The Guys, who just loves them some unwanted babies, want a new law. A better law. A law that requires the mother to watch a video of her womb-parasite Photoshopped into being inaugurated President of the United States, accepting a Nobel Peace Prize or punching Hitler.

Sharing is caring

Hey, parents: when your child brings something in for show and tell, make sure you know what they’re bringing beforehand. You know, just in case. This is especially important if they decide to bring something that is yours rather than theirs. After all, this isn’t the seventies anymore, and not everything needs to be passed around the room.

It’s a forest like jungle out there

In other animal related news, those beasts are clearly looking to terrorize us, and there seems to be no limit to where they’ll go.

Obviously a tree hugging eco-terrorist, a deer bounded through a car dealership window in North Carolina, ruining part of said dealership. The American auto companies are already under enough pressure-I don’t think Chrysler needs their vehicles wrecked in the process. Unless it’s a PT Cruiser, as those are just ugly.

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting off scott-free, raccoons. Now that it’s been reported that you’re trying to take over parts of Philadelphia, it’s on like donkey kong. We know what to look for (your robber striped eyes), where to look for (trees and trash cans) and how to look for you (with lots of violent weaponry). Get ready, as your time is near.

You know what they say about a Bigfoot?

They’re probably a hairy trespasser.

Well, okay, that’s probably more what you say if Tim Peeler of North Carolina. According to Peeler, he heard grunting and screeching sounds from outside his house. This presumably alarmed him since he was not a part of said noises. What did he discover?

“The thing was 10 feet tall with beautiful hair, yellowish hair, and a yellow beard,” the mountain man recalled.

Logically, this can mean a few things: Peeler has a strong taste for the shine of the moon, Bigfoot has been getting kissed by the sun more than anyone ever expected or he stumbled across Thor. Probably not the Thor of legend, but more the Thor of Marvel comics. We can only hope that the lightning was not called down upon Peeler.