S.C. police department goes soft on Bigfoot

Earlier this week, there was a reported sighting of Bigfoot in North Carolina. Normally that would be enough to warrant a post here at SG, but we’re taking you one deeper.

After the sighting was reported by the group Bigfoot 911, which sounds like a show were Bigfoot becomes an EMT, the Carolinas were on high alert for the mythical monster. However, the Greenville, S.C. Police Department went the other way upon hearing the news. The department issued a stern warning to its citizens not to shoot the beast on sight. Worst of all, they denied this huge ape that poses a threat to decent people everywhere even exists, and suggested that they would risk hurting or killing someone in a gorilla suit.

Greenville PD, you’re supposed to protect your citizens, and that means scaring the bejesus out of them about the threat posed by Bigfoot.

Silent but deadly: Fart smell grounds plane

When you’re at 30,000 feet, you can’t just open a window to air things out. The air is recycled, which means that you’re breathing in everyone’s coughs, sneezes, burps and farts for the whole flight. And when someone really lets one rip, it can ruin your day.

Over the weekend, an American Airlines flight landed in Raleigh, North Carolina, but the plane was filled with what smelled like a nasty fart. It was so bad that crew members complained of eye irritation and headaches. The airport’s investigation of the incident blames flatulence as the cause.

The airline has refused to confirm whether farts are to blame, but insists that if such a thing were true, he who smelt it, dealt it.

Governor who excluded can’t tolerate exclusion

When you realize you can only get a part-time teaching gig at Liberty University or Arizona State.

A while back, we issued a warning that, while wealthy people like Donald Trump who don’t need to ever work can afford to be an assh*le, the rest of us cannot. That’s not to say that we should also have that right, just to remember that even a rich douche is still a douche, just one who will never face the consequences of what they say, do or feel. The rest of us don’t live in that world.

And, by “the rest of us,” we also mean former North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, who’s allegedly having trouble finding consulting work after not only signing anti-trans bathroom law HB2, but still arguing for it after leaving office. And he’s surprised:

The former Republican governor says HB2 ‘has impacted me to this day, even after I left office. People are reluctant to hire me, because, “oh my gosh, he’s a bigot” – which is the last thing I am.’

[…]

‘That’s not the way our American system should operate – having people purged due to political thought.’

In other words: the dude who made a big deal out of what bathroom you use can’t understand what the big deal is.

Deer carries out Harrison Ford-style attack on passenger jet

As many East Coast travelers know, Charlotte-Douglas International Airport is an awful, awful place. It’s the busiest airport in North Carolina, so it’s fitting that it’s such a hole. But innocent travelers found their lives in danger when a deer attacked a plane during takeoff.

According to the FAA, a jet carrying 44 passengers headed to Mississippi was struck by a deer on the runway during takeoff yesterday. The plane made it into the air, but was damaged and leaking fuel. Fortunately, it was able to make an emergency landing a few minutes later, and no humans were harmed.

This is yet another reason why you should never fly to, from or through Charlotte. There are plenty of other airports you can gamble your life on.

You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Half-cocked edition

Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.
Racist McShootFace was a five-time bare-knuckle boxing champion in the 1880s.

I saw various people this week get upset about a report from employees that Facebook is biased against right-leaning news in its news feed thing. Here’s a question: who cares? Facebook isn’t a news source, as much as it would like to be. The stuff that pops up in its news sidebar are the least important news items out there in the first place. It’s just celebrities are TV news. How a free site chooses what is and isn’t newsworthy in its own judgment should have no impact on your life. The far-right seem to get their news via sharing memes, anyway. If you were busy waiting in the airport security line this week, odds are you missed it.

Gun auction misfires
Noted bigot and fashion critic George Zimmerman managed to crawl back into the headlines this week when he put up for auction the gun he used to murder teenager Trayvon Martin for being black and wearing a hoodie in 2012. Zimmerman said some of the proceeds would go to fight Black Lives Matter. However, the online auction kept getting derailed by activist bidders driving up the price, many of the bids came from a bidder named Racist McShootFace, which means Zimmerman needs to come up with a new name for the boat he’s going to buy.

Smokin’ in the bathroom that matches your gender identity
This week, the Obama administration released a letter of guidance to public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms they are most comfortable with. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory called on Congress and federal courts to defeat the guidance, saying that students should use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. Because North Carolina has a rich history of making people use the bathrooms and water fountains according to certain physical characteristics.

1800s nearly forgotten
The death of the oldest living American this week means that Italian national Emma Morano is the last living person to have seen the 19th century. The 116-year-old was born in November of 1899. She credits her longevity, and this is true, to a daily glass of homemade brandy. So drink to Morano when you hoist one back this weekend. Who knows, maybe one say you’ll be lucky enough to have outlived your siblings, children and anyone else in the world who can relate to you in any way!

Fun Fact: FBI wiretapping costs more than beer

"Dear Craigslist ... Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed ... Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you."
“Dear Craigslist … Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed … Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you … Smiley face … Winking face.”

Apparently, it costs more than a couple of cases of beer to get the FBI to go through family members’ texts. At least, that’s what a judge in North Carolina learned after being charged with attempted bribery.

According to the FBI, Superior Court Judge Arnold Ogden Jones was charged with attempted bribery after allegedly offering an agent a couple of cases — y’know, like buddies — if the agent would ignore a lack of probable cause and obtain some text messages for “just for [him].” And who hasn’t asked their neighbor or coworker for that? Violating the U.S. Constitution is just one of those things good friends do, like loan a cup of sugar without habeas corpus or quarter some troops, no questions asked.

Of course, then things got weird because the agent reportedly turned down the beer(!) and asked for $100 instead. Jones should’ve known something was up, because nobody turns down free beer. I mean, cash is nice, but you can’t drink it and, believe us, it doesn’t get you high when you smoke it.

You Missed It: Nut bag edition

Change we can believe in.
Change we can believe in.

Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.

A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.

Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.

The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.

North Carolina town faces the power of the Dark Side

“Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.”

The Sith Lord was found at a Pineville bank, holding it up (warning: autoplay). One can presume that he might have been looking for the Millennium Falcon, but let’s be honest, the Death Star isn’t going to pay for itself. Don’t believe me?

“Search your feelings, you *know* it to be true!”