The McBournie Minute: 3 reasons your Standing Rock check-in is dumb

In recent weeks, a large group of protesters has halted and called attention to the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline. The protest was started by Native Americans concerned about keeping the water clean and drinkable at the Standing Rock Reservation, which straddles North and South Dakota. It’s gotten to be such an issue that the Obama administration is seeking to review the approval of the project.

This topic hits pretty close to my day job, but you didn’t come here for an education or to hear about my politics and how they apply to this one issue. You’re here for the yuck-yucks, so we’re going to stick with that.

Checking in to Standing Rock is as dumb as posting one of those “this is my content” messages. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: 3 reasons your Standing Rock check-in is dumb

You Missed It: Black and blue edition

It just doesn't have the same effect without jets of fire shooting up behind him.
It just doesn’t have the same effect without jets of fire shooting up behind him.

More than 50 years ago, the White House and the press had a cordial relationship. That’s how Kennedy got away with banging anything with breasts that was within 500 feet of him. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is a holdover from that time. Today, it’s just an annual thing where the lazy reporters who work too closely with administration officials meet up and pass inside jokes to each other, all while hoping to meet B list celebrities in attendance. This thing needs to go. Or I need to get invited next year, because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to meet Wolf Blitzer? If you were busy reuniting with the Blowfish this week, odds are you missed it.

Harm city
This week, for the second week in a row, protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.

Bison State curious
North Dakota state Rep. Randy Boehning recently voted against a bill that would have provided protections for the state’s LGBT community. That’s why it was so surprising that the Republican lawmaker’s profile in gay hook-up app Grindr was found earlier this week. Randy Boehning, which really is his name, has a history of voting against legal protections of gays, which is why he should have no problem when homophobic voters fire him for being gay.

More like Hateful Eight
Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest film, which is said to be a spoof of The Magnificent Seven. The actors complained that the script was racially insensitive and the crew didn’t want to make any changes. Hard to believe charges like that against a guy who did a movie with Rob Schneider in yellowface.

Deer eat birds, nothing will ever make sense again

Every year when deer hunting season begins, there are always people who protest the sanctioned murder of the animals, completely forgetting that they throw themselves at our cars and try to starve us out by eating our crops. We’ve got another reason to continue killing.

It turns out, white tail deer eat birds. We thought these adorable beasts only ate vegetation, but according to nesting cams set up on federal land in North Dakota have caught deer in the act. What’s even more shocking is that this has apparently been known in the wildlife community for years, yet somehow it is only now coming to light.

We smell a coverup.

The drunkest states in the Union list is out

We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.

The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.

New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.

That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.

The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

I counted myself as one of the millions of drivers traveling this year for Thanksgiving. Though I’m amazed every year that the holiday’s chaos isn’t reported in any other country in the world. The traffic was manageable, the weather wasn’t bad, so I won’t bore you with any tales of how I sat in a car voluntarily for hours on end. I won’t even bore you with what I ate.

However, I did go to the Midwest. And as an East Coast native, it always seems just a little bit weird to me. The people are friendly and generally happy for no reason at all. Their roads are straight and flat. Weird, right?

But as I followed the news across the relatively wide region, I found that things get weirder there all the time. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Midwest just isn’t like around here

Put the candy down, tubby

If your child is a fatty-fatty fat pants, you may be getting a lecturing letter this evening.

A woman in Fargo, N.D. told the local news that she’s planning to give tubby trick-or-treaters a note for their parents, expressing concern for their nutritional health. Presumably, this will come along with the candy. Considering that nearly all the adults in the state are overweight, this ought to go well.

You just know that other people across the U.S. will do this. It’s probably the people who give out apples or raisins.

Cue X-Files theme song

A 2-ton object crashed to the ground in Mongolia. Nobody is sure what it is, so a report was sent in to MUFON, a UFO-tracking organization. Could it be something from a tangent universe? Or even as far away as-gasp-North Dakota?

The report states that two objects fell near the Mongolian capital on February 19. The first object, according to the report, weighed 10 kg, while the second larger object weighed “approximately 2 tons.”

Has anybody opened this thing up to see whether there are any aliens trapped inside? And if so, have they been created by a punch from Will Smith?

An unholy marriage

People in the Mid-West are a little strange. There’s not much to do, and quite often it is colder that survivable for most human beings. But in North Dakota, it only makes them more colorful, if not traitorous.

Though North Dakota is known for an abomination or two, this one has a tinge we don’t much like. A moose named Ana, the namesake of the town of Anamoose, North Dakota, has married another moose. What makes it worse is that the ceremony was performed by humans!

The only thing keeping us from declaring a blog jihad (or “jiblog) against that whole state is the fact that the people involved seemed to be a bit sarcastic when they married the moose (mooses?). They have been declared “miserable mates.”

Yeah, see you in hell, Ana!

Today in ancient animals

Scientists love looking at dead animals, the deader and older, the better. Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil. Others like it because they get to learn things, like how animals were before we came along and killed them off.

One such fine example is in North Dakota, where an extremely rare fossil has been found: a mummified dinosaur. The mummy, which is oddly enough not wrapped in toilet paper, nor was it found in a temple, is a nearly complete example of a dinosaur and will give paleontologists (godless and warriors alike) the chance to see how these monstrous creatures really looked, with, you know, flesh on them.

However, this blog is still hesitant. The dinosaur is now as hard as rock or even metal. This cannot go well should the dino wake up.

In other news, have you ever wanted to have your very own mastodon? You can’t, of course. They are all dead thanks to a little genocide on the part of our ancestors. You can, however, own a mastodon skeleton if you go to the right garage sale. A hippie San Fransisco resident is selling a mastodon skeleton she has just lying around in her garage. You know how easy it is to acquire junk.

The best news of all is that you don’t have to live in the area to buy it, you just need to have $115,000 and the ability to place a bid on eBay. Happy hunting!