Tag: north korea

Ozone gets more Os

The power is yours to bring this meeting to a swift end. Now, who’s resumed emitting CFCs? Do we really want more Captain Planet?

Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.

Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.

So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.

“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?

“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.

“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.

So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.

Kim Jong Un is bringing his own toilet to peace talks

The leaders of North and South Korea are meeting at a summit this week, and that’s pretty historic. But what’s also historic is that Kim Jong Un will only poop in his own toilet brought from home.

Kim and company brought along a special toilet for the North Korean leader alone to make a No. 2, and it’s all about national security. The North Koreans don’t want Western spies getting their hands on Kim’s crap because it could reveal medical and dietary information, sources say.

The toilet will be in a vehicle that is part of Kim’s convoy. So basically, during the peace talks between the two Koreas, at some point Kim is going to get up from the table, walk to his convoy, get in a car, and, we’re guessing, spend a good 45 minutes in it.

You Missed It: Party’s over edition

Can we call it quits with “Gangam Style” already? South Korean rapper Psy seems to be everywhere these days, and really, his pop song got old before Halloween. White people just like any song that has a simple dance tacked to it. By now, he should be releasing his follow-up love ballad or something. Did anyone really think that the next M.C. Hammer would be Korean? If you were busy losing the Powerball jackpot this week, odds are you missed it.

Partying too hard for the feds
Andrew W.K., who once said, “Partying is our best hope for world peace,” was going to be a U.S. cultural ambassador to Bahrain. All of the coordination with the State Department, the flights were booked, it was a done deal. And then State pulled the plug without giving a reason, thereby canceling the party. Bahrain will have to find ways to break their noses on their own. Thanks, Obama.

Meeting a second time
The Disney Channel announced this week that it will be launching a spin-off of the popular 1990s show Boy Meets World, which aired on ABC from 1993 to 2000. They have even gotten Ben Savage and Daniel Fishel, the show’s main couple, to reprise their roles. According to the reports, the show will be called Girl Meets World and focus on Cory and Topanga Matthews’ 13-year-old daughter, as she tries to come to grips with the fact that Mr. Feeny will never leave her family alone.

Lisa Frank is from the DPRK
This week, North Korea discovered unicorns. OK, well they didn’t find the unicorns themselves, but they did find where the unicorns once lived. According to a report from North Korea’s official news agency, researchers have found the lair of the unicorn ridden by King Tongmyong, who reigned a couple centuries before Christ. They figured it out because the words “Unicorn Liar” are etched on the cave. Between this and Kim Jong Un being named The Onion’s sexiest man alive, North Korea’s having a pretty big week.

Kim Jong Un makes Snee’s Enemies List

Snee’s Enemy Number Un, riding a meal for twenty. (He’s not even that handsome, you guys.)

Two weeks ago, Rick Snee revealed his enemies list that he has been building since 1985 when People magazine started selecting a Sexiest Man Alive every year and has somehow consistently passed him over. He has not, however, put the editors of People on that list in hopes that they will one day stop being distracted by flashes in the pan like George Clooney and Johnny Depp.

And now, for the first time ever, there is a second entry within the year on his enemies list. The Onion named North Korean despot, Kim Jong Un, their Sexiest Man Alive, but they don’t count because they keep interviewing the same three people for their man-on-the-street interviews — like we wouldn’t notice! But, when the announcement made it into one of China’s official newspapers, People’s Daily Online (which sounds awfully close to People), that was close enough for impotent, wrathful listmaking.

Congratulations, Kim Jong Un! Your certificate of Rick Snee’s scorn is on its way, even if it is based on a technicality.

Wikileaks finally becomes useful

Fun fact: if you don’t assume every industrialized nation has a spy agency, then you’re a bit naïve.

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting a Wikileaks revelation that Japan is indeed using an intelligence agency to spy and keep an eye on North Korea and China.

Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.

One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.

What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.

Your crackpot theory invalidates mine

It turns out that the United States isn’t the only nation that hates 2012. The film is also on North Korea’s “To Don’t” list.

Kim Jong-il, who complies the list for the glorious benefit of all his human shields, has cracked down on anyone smuggling or receiving copies of the penultimate disaster porn flick.

Is it because the film is an unwatchable wreck, a cheap tug on the heartstrings followed by stunning visuals, a heartrending reminder of how John Cusack used to make good movies?

No, it’s because the year 2012 is the centennial celebration of the not-so-immortal leader, Kim Sung-il. That is the point that North Korea is supposed to “open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower.”

So, if anything’s gonna destroy the world, it’s gonna be North Korean ascendancy, not some stupid Mayans.

Birds on a plane

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s and bird and a plane!

Birds have shown a penchant for attacking our commercial aircraft by hitting windshields and getting stuck in jet turbines. But now, they have found other ways of holding up your flights: by boarding the plane before you do.

A plane in South Korea was all set to take off, when the flight was grounded because there was a sparrow flying around the cabin, making all sorts of demands. The bird became so much of a nuisance that the passengers had to get off the plane and hop on another one. The sparrow was captured, but incredibly, South Korean authorities let it go.

That sort of thing would never happen in North Korea.

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

When I was in school, in history classes they only taught us up until the end of World War II. This was not because I was going to school in the 1940s, but the teachers just ran out of steam or did not want to cover any of the controversial topics of the rest of the 20th century. The Nazis were evil, we beat them, America is a super power, the end. I had one high school American History course that made it to the Marshall Plan.

Still, I feel like something happened in those remaining 55 years that could better explain where we are today. That’s why I, Bryan McBournie, who minored in history, am here to help you learn about what happened through the decades since World War II. If you watch enough television  or listen to enough music ,you should know some of this yourself.

I’m starting with the 1950s. Why? Because nothing happened from 1946 to 1949 and you know it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1950-1959)

When drinking beer is made illegal, only criminals will drink beer

Bill Clinton got those two journalists out of a North Korean prison, the Lockerbie bomber is back home again and the Aung San Suu Kyi story just isn’t that sexy. America needs a new foreign trial to follow. Just in time for back to school, we have one.

Malaysia has convicted a Muslim woman for drinking beer. Her punishment is caning (of course), but she seems to have gotten a reprieve–or at least a stay. Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno is sentenced for drinking beer, but the punishment will not happen until after Ramadan.

That gives us time to organize protests. Remember guys, drinking beer is not a crime! If it is not safe for everyone to drink beer, it’s not safe for any of us!

You Missed It: Introspective Monologue edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here.

Sound familiar? That’s probably because it’s true yet again. Like Bryan McBournie from last week, I’ll be off next week. But let’s be honest, that’s neither here nor there. If you were feeling absolutely dejected because you couldn’t tweet that Facebook was down, odds are you missed it.

It was a sad day for film fans, but a golden age for boom-box salesmen
Legendary director John Hughes has passed away. The man behind many classic movies of the 80’s, like National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Hughes seemingly dropped off the radar during the the following decades. No hyperbole intended, but the man truly shaped the sensibilities, style, humor, and outlook of an entire generation of Americans. While it’s regretful that the style of many of those Americans involved jean jackets and legwarmers, what’s even more regretful is that we’re still stuck with people like Brett Ratner.

Superman. The Sentry. Supreme. Marvelman. William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, the same former President Clinton that, during his time in office, was brought up in an impeachment trial, negotiated with North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Ill in North Korea for the release of two American journalists that were held in the country for 5 months. Clinton came back to the United States with two journalists in tow, and has become the latest modern day superhero. While we don’t exactly know what was said during the negotiations, we do know one thing: he did not have sexual relations with that country’s leader.

What, you really thought we were done with the virus?
Beef Packers Inc. has recalled approximately 826, 000 pounds of ground beef products due to a possible outbreak of salmonella in said products. The theory being posited is that recent outbreaks among 11 states can be linked to the same company, though whether the fault lies with the packing company or the distribution company remains to be seen. Seeing as how salmonella has now made its way through a minimum of 75% of the food that I put into my body on a regular basis, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.