Some news companies (that begin with an “F” and end with an “X”) have suggested that Bill Clinton freed the two American journalist captives by rewarding Kim Jong Il, that his presence gave North Korea “status and bragging rights.”
Other news companies (that begin with an “A” and end with a “P”) suggest otherwise: he nagged them to capitulation.
Former White House cigar-aficionado, Bill Clinton, arrived in Pyongyang, North Korea on Tuesday to negotiate the release of two American journalists with Kim Jong Il.
The two held “an exhaustive conversation,” which–considering it was with Kim–probably included the following:
At this rate, the two journalists should be freed once Kim and Clinton finish their massages and previewing the littlest tyrant’s drawings of his “missile program.”
Continuing our report on last week’s premier of President Obama’s Path to Peace Dungeons and Dragons campaign, it appears that the North Korea realm is stalled while U.S. players roll to see if they can search their boats.*
*Helpful Hint: Dwarves wearing Lady’s Sunglasses (+2 stealth) could potentially fit in with the crew.
In the meantime, Dungeon Master Obama has launched an expansion campaign for Iran. It starts the same, only this time, the Path to Peace on the game map is marked by its name in Elftongue: “the clear, open Path to International Acceptance.”
This would require trait sets of honesty and candor, and it couldn’t hurt to roll for bonus charisma and initiative–both of which the wizard Khomeini and his gnome underling, Ahmadinejad, severely lack after their mana-draining Thrown Election.
You know you were waiting for it. To some degree, I was too. I’m not speaking about the fact that it’s Friday, but that YMI is here once again. There’s also a little excitement about the weekend and all that, but whatever. If you were busy waiting a UFO at a theme park this week, odds are you missed it.
And that’s the way it is
Reports are coming in that legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy Walter Cronkite, 92, is very sick and will likely die. The CBS news man reached an iconic level for his 19 years anchoring, as well as reporting for several decades. Cronkite stood as shining example of what broadcast journalism could be–unbiased, un-opinionated and unflinching, which are now seen as quaint little ideas in the news media today. Since he’s sick, I’m going to call it right now. Walter Cronkite is dead and will be missed dearly. If only it were Dan Rather
America’s mistress industry needs bailouts
Up-and-coming GOP Sen. John Ensign admitted this week that he had an affair (with a woman). Normally, this is enough to get you in trouble in Washington, but there’s more. It turns out that Ensign was using taxpayer money to pay her and her family for a while. So that’s the moral and fiscal responsibility Republicans keep preaching about!
Freedom is the only way
North Korea is at it again, it seems. The country announced that it plans to fire a missile in the Pacific Ocean toward Hawaii sometime soon, possibly on the Fourth of July. Much of the world is watching anxiously, as Kim Jong Il and his evil army have access to numerous chemical and biological weapons. In other news, Team America 2 is coming this summer. F$%* yeah.
The United States Dungeon Master in Chief — and some would argue DM of the Free World — Barack Obama has laid out the latest table in the North Korea D&D game.
While Kim Jong Il might take the Road to War, where U.S. and South Korean special forces lie in wait to give him super painful wedgies, there are other options.
With a critical role, he could bypass the River of Annoyance and renegotiate food supplies from China.
Or, as DM Obama pushes, “There is another path available to North Korea, a path that leads to peace and economic opportunity for North Korea.”
Frustrated at recent events, Obama reinstated that North Korea is out of magic missiles and should stop trying to cast them into the ocean for loot.
A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage. GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.
None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Kim Jong Il may be, well, ill.
Fans of giant communist musical extravanganzas were left bewildered by his conspicuous absence at the 60th anniversary of North Korea Jubilee.* If there’s anything this guy loves, it’s a parade, yet where was he?
Was he:
All we know is that it was tough enough replacing one immortal leader, but where are we gonna find a third immortal that won’t die?
*Jubilant enthusiam is mandatory.
The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.
The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near
