Facebook reverses decision, says Santa Claus is real

On Christmas Day, Facebook decided to be a Grinch. That’s when the site took away Santa Claus’ Facebook account and demanded proof of identification. In other words, Facebook didn’t believe in Santa.

We should remind you that Santa Claus is a real person. He really, truly, is on the North Pole, Alaska City Council, and he’s no stranger to firing up a funny yule log, being an outspoken supporter of legalizing marijuana. But Facebook didn’t believe in him, and chose Santa’s biggest day of the year to say so. Imagine you have been out delivering presents to all the good girls and boys all night long, only to come home in the morning and find Facebook has deactivated your account.

But the jolly fat guy didn’t let it slow him down. He sent Facebook multiple forms proving his identity, and his account was reactivated just before the New Year.

Santa Claus is governing the town

The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.
The man is a political junkie, as we saw at the Democratic debate.

We don’t think about the North Pole unless it’s Christmas, but the town exists year-round. That means they must have some sort of government and all the problems of a small town.

It turns out that North Pole isn’t a dictatorship run by Santa Claus, but he just got elected to the city council. Claus conducted a successful write-in campaign for the seat in North Pole, Alaska after no one threw their hat into the ring. He got more than twice the candidate who finished second. You may remember Santa Claus from his stirring speech in favor of medical marijuana back in June.

This holiday season promises to be merrier than ever.

140-year-old beer survived a failed trip to North Pole

There are beers that are just badass and deserve an audience with your mouth, like if they were on an expedition to the North Pole. Unfortunately, you’ll never have any.

In 1875, Sir George Nares set off on an expedition to reach the North Pole. And he needed to bring along enough provisions to keep his men fed during the dangerous trip. Also, he needed beer. He didn’t make it to the North Pole, and 140-years later, a bottle of beer from that expedition turned up in some guy’s garage in England, and no one knows how it got there.

No doubt, a sip from a mysterious bottle would give you a taste of the grit these adventurers had, and perhaps even give you an inkling into how the beer got from the Arctic Circle, back to England. The bottle sold for 600 pounds, or probably around the same amount in real American dollars. So you’ll just have to drink some other beer until you feel like you’re on a doomed expedition.

Ho ho ho, dude

Why is Santa Claus always in such good spirits? Turns out he’s high all the time.

The city council of North Pole, Alaska (which really is a town) rejected a ban on medical marijuana shops within the city. During the council meeting, officials were no doubt swayed by the testimony of, and this is true, a North Pole resident named Santa Claus, who said he is a medical marijuana patient and doesn’t want to have to drive to Fairbanks.

“O Christmas Tree” has a whole new meaning.

Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando