Christmas fights back

So he said, “Let’s run and we’ll have some fun, now before I blow you away.”

It’s the War on Christmas season, as all good secular warriors know. Typically, the news of the war is all about the latest imagined assaults on the holiday that we start celebrating the day after Halloween, and how it’s going to ruin civilization as we know it. But now, Christmas is on the attack.

In Northern Ireland, Frosty the Snowman has had enough, and he’s fighting back with a rocket launcher. A man has been charged after painting a snowman holding a rocket launcher and the words “Wishing You An Explosive Christmas” on the window of an Irish Republican support group. It’s apparently against the law there to have a provocative painting.

If the Northern Ireland government scrapes Frosty down it is feared that sectarian violence will begin anew after two decades of peace.

The McBournie Minute: The enemy re-used

We live in a disposable world. Done with that food? Throw it out. Through with your old cell phone in favor of a new one? To the trash bin! Tired of that annoying friend? Heave him into the dumpster! But there is a new trend growing: re-purposing.

Across the world, people are taking objects they already own and using them for things other than their original use, or buying IKEA book shelves but instead making them into TV stands. This spirit of reuse is catching on worldwide faster than Crocs with white people.

There’s something useful about this in our ongoing War on Animals. It’s Sun Tzu-esque. Part of this growing re-purpose trend is taking an enemy, and making it somehow useful. Yes, we are witnessing the dawn of the re-purposing of animals, something we have not done since our ancestors re-purposed them into food, clothing and piano keys. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The enemy re-used

We need to keep their numbers down

It’s spring time, and that means only one thing: doing it in public. (No, not you, SG will not endorse your risky and technically illegal fornication.) Animals. They are doing it everywhere and in full view of the public.

In China, gerbils are doing it way too much, and the wild gerbil population (Side note: so that’s where they’re from!) is getting out of hand. Luckily, China doesn’t have the whiny liberal-commie-carp-kissers that we have here in the U.S., so they’re giving gerbils abortion pills to keep their numbers down. Normally, this blog would be all for having fewer animals to worry about, but giving gerbils abortion pills will only send the message to them that it’s OK to have sex, when in reality it isn’t. Animals can’t marry, and you’re not supposed to have sex before marriage, so that means animals shouldn’t mate. How’s that for some population control?

Speaking of population problems, in Northern Ireland, grey squirrels have taken over a woman’s home and are likely holding her hostage. The squirrels showed up in Oonagh Nutt (Yes, teehee, her last name is “Nutt.” HAVE SOME DECENCY YOU BASTARDS!) several years ago but in the past year and a half have gotten into the house and are tearing it apart.

“I’ve had pest control round putting poison down in the roof space and travel routes through the house. But then they died inside the cavity walls and the house is infested with flies. It’s a nightmare,” she said. “We’ve had squirrel catchers, traps, lights, sonar. Everything but the kitchen sink.”

Mrs. Nutt, we have a suggestion for you.