How To: Turn your kid in a blow gun

Longtime readers, no time commenters may recall that Guys Bryan McBournie and Rick Snee used to alternate a weekly feature called “How To.” Although we’ve since fallen off the controlling-your-life wagon, every so often we’ll run across a life skill we didn’t even know that you need.

Moms, are you prepared to administer … The Mother’s Kiss?”

Used when (not if) Junior lodges something up his nose, the now pediatrician-approved “Mother’s Kiss” is the best way to remove that object without a panicked ER visit. (Note: Never use tweezers or pliers to pull a foreign object out of your child’s nose. You might need those to pluck your eyebrows later.)

Simply plug the Cheerio-free nostril, and then seal your mouth over your husband’s child’s open mouth. Next, blow. Executed properly, the tiny race car should shoot out of either the nostril or the ears.

Family of the Week nominee

Let’s keep the theme of strange world records going. Ladies, we know you are a non-existent crucial part of SG’s readership, so allow us to introduce to you a stud, that is if you are into teenagers.

Meet Andrew Dahl, 13, of Washington state. He likes long walks on the beach, watching the sunset and the scent of a fresh balloon. We assume that last part is true, anyway, because Dahl inflated a possible world record 213 balloons with his nose. His father measured the balloons while his mother counted them.

Sorry, we do not have Dahl’s contact information, ladies. Just follow your nose.

Booze News: Ladies’ Night edition

The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.

Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.

Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!

Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.