Pope: Cadillacs are for Episcopalians

"I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard! I'm the Holy See in charge of 1.2 billion people! I drive a Ford Focus!"
“I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I’m a Religion Manager in charge of 1.2 billion people! I drive a Ford Focus!

Pope Frank — who said we can call him that because he’s a man of the people, unlike anyone named Francis — has had it with priests and nuns flashing their bling, cellular telephones and flashy cars.

Saying that it hurts him to see clergy in “latest model cars,” the pope encouraged them to “just think¬†about how many children are dying of hunger in the world” before buying a fancy one.

This announcement/guilt trip was also the Frank’s subtle way of unveiling his new interfaith outreach program with Jewish mothers.

A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

Nun too pleased

Two days ago, we told you about a beauty pageant for nuns. Today, we bring you the sad news that that pageant will never happen.

Father Antonio Rungi said the pageant was nixed after it drew criticism from his superiors in the Church. Rungi said the whole idea was misunderstood. He did not want to have nuns compete to see who was the most beautiful, it was to show how much nuns do for the world.

Honestly, how can anyone misinterpret a pageant for anything BUT showing off how truly great of a person someone is? After all, that is exactly what most pageants are about.