Tagged: nyc

| Filed under Facepalm

Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

| Filed under War on Animals

Rat infestation in NYC nothing compared to New Yorkers

"Christ almighty, it's absolutely disgusting out here. I'm never leaving the hole where   me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again."
“Christ almighty, it’s absolutely disgusting out here! I’m never leaving the hole where me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again.”

Good news in the War on Animals! At least one statistician estimates that New Yorkers are the number one pest infesting New York City, not rats.

Jonathan Auerbach of Columbia University set out to test the old hypothesis that there are just as many rats as humans in New York City. Based on reported complaints and biological data about rats, he estimates that there are only 2 million rats in the Big Apple, while 8 million humans make life an absolute misery for other humans in the city.

So, either New Yorkers have always outnumbered their rats, or the rats have started abandoning the city, possibly due to how terrible the Yankees and their fans are. But a victory is a victory, so way to go, “humans.”

| Filed under Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Filed under Wait ... What?!

College students wake up in the strangest places

batclimbbig
This is why you always make your first climb on a floor painted to look like a wall with a spotter.

Firefighters freed a 19-year-old NYU undergrad who was wedged between two buildings for two days in New York City.

The only way they could get him out was to drill through a cinderblock wall since the space between the five-story parking garage and 17-story dormitory building was only 18 inches wide.

At this point, it appears that the only way the student could have gotten in there was from above.

If he was studying criminology, we’re pretty sure he just failed his Batman exam.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, KAPLOOIE!

It was in their name the whole time

As any medical drama will resort to when the ratings get low, the scariest murderers are doctors because, as protectors of human life, they know every off-switch (like our susceptibility to grillbrush bristles). Or how, according to police dramas in a similar pickle, cops make the best criminals.

Well, it was only a matter of time before firemen — or firepeople, as they’re called nowadays — lived up to the ironic double-meaning of their name. It turned out they were both flammable and inflammable this whole time.

… What? Those words mean the same thing? Then what do you call things that can’t be set on fire? Forget it. This is just a rehash of our old argument that somehow “pervy” isn’t the opposite of “impervious.”

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

There’s no infestation like a New York City infestation …

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.

It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.

“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry (Politics)

NYC’s digital gloryholes

German artist, Aram Bartholl has installed five USB ports on the sides of buildings in New York City.

His hope is that users will use them as “spy drops,” posting pictures, videos or other media to share important ideas with others who visit it.

Would someone like to show Herr Boo Radley ChatRoulette now?

(With special thanks to Alexis.)

| Filed under Facepalm

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”

| Filed under Facepalm

Saving the poor from (further) bad decisions

Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.

If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.

Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?

And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.

Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”

You can’t fake that kind of philanthropy, people.

(Courtesy of Chris S.)

| Filed under What a Reach!

New York: One tough town

New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.

Enraged and traumatized to be teased with what could have been a very painful and scary moment, New York politicians like Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Senator Chuck Schumer want to know why New York wasn’t informed and whose head will roll for not killing several thousand of their constituents.

Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.