While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.
Good news in the War on Animals! At least one statistician estimates that New Yorkers are the number one pest infesting New York City, not rats.
Jonathan Auerbach of Columbia University set out to test the old hypothesis that there are just as many rats as humans in New York City. Based on reported complaints and biological data about rats, he estimates that there are only 2 million rats in the Big Apple, while 8 million humans make life an absolute misery for other humans in the city.
So, either New Yorkers have always outnumbered their rats, or the rats have started abandoning the city, possibly due to how terrible the Yankees and their fans are. But a victory is a victory, so way to go, “humans.”
So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)
Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.
However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.
As any medical drama will resort to when the ratings get low, the scariest murderers are doctors because, as protectors of human life, they know every off-switch (like our susceptibility to grillbrush bristles). Or how, according to police dramas in a similar pickle, cops make the best criminals.
Well, it was only a matter of time before firemen — or firepeople, as they’re called nowadays — lived up to the ironic double-meaning of their name. It turned out they were both flammable andinflammable this whole time.
… What? Those words mean the same thing? Then what do you call things that can’t be set on fire? Forget it. This is just a rehash of our old argument that somehow “pervy” isn’t the opposite of “impervious.”
New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that, despite the city’s best efforts, you just can’t kill off a New Yorker infestation. “Babies born in New York City in 2009 can expect to live on average 80.6 years, roughly 2-1/2 years more than the most recently reported national rate of 78.2 years,” the mayor told members of the press, ruefully shaking his head.
It was hoped that, by shortening human lifespans, this research would lead to a cure for the city’s bed bug problem — a plan that animal rights activists hailed as a fun exercise in role reversal. Alas, all of the Mayor Bloomberg’s initiatives, “including bans on public smoking and the use of trans-fats in restaurants,” have only resulted in more New Yorkers living longer neurotic lives.
“If you want to live longer and healthier than the average American, then come to New York City,” the mayor said before distributing cyanide capsules and pistols to his staff. “Me? I want off this merry-go-round, and I’ll do the same for anyone else.”
The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?
It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”
Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.
If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.
Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?
And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.
Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”
New Yorkers are “annoyed — furious is a better word” — that the Air Force One flyover of NYC was not a terrorist attack. Though the plane and its F-16 escort veered frustratingly close to the site of Ground Zero, the plane was not piloted by terrorists and did not crash into any buildings.
Even the therapists can’t handle the influx of tramautized patients. Social worker, Linda Garcia-Rose complained about being inundated with calls from patients who survived the tantalizingly-close calamity, many of whom live three blocks away from the World Trade Center.