Obama supports degenerate gamblers

Oh, sorry, that was our attempt to create a Fox News-esque headline. Here’s our attempt at an MSNBC style headline: “Obama nears boosting of IT-economy.” Meh.

Here’s what we’re trying to communicate to you: online gambling in the U, S and A is this much closer to being a legal reality. The Wire Act of 1961, the greatest tool of the Department of Justice for quite some time, has been given a clarification.

The new interpretation, by the department’s Office of Legal Counsel, said the Wire Act applies only to bets on a “sporting event or contest,” not to a state’s use of the Internet to sell lottery tickets to adults within its borders or abroad.

This is a good thing. It’s being touted as a win by the Obama Administration. If it’s true, here’s the headline we should probably use: “Always Bet On Black.”

Uncomfortable ad campaign you can believe in

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: An American president (well, a look-alike) is in China, hawking a fish sandwich for a chicken chain.

It’s the truth, ISWURTAGAWD. A Barack Obama doppelganger has been hired by China’s KFC marking team to advertise the chain’s new fish sandwich. It’s being reported that KFC, the most popular fast-food chain in the country, is hoping the “Mmmm, change is good!” ad campaign will boost sales.

Of course, an update is now saying that the ad campaign has been pulled. Which is good, because, you know … awkwardly uncomfortable ad campaigns based off of tenuous connections tend to be less than great for foreign relations. Usually.

You Missed It: Four-star mistake edition

As some of you know, I live in the Washignton, D.C. area, so reports of President Barack Obama are not unusual, but this week Obama took Russian President Dimitry Medvedev to a burger joint a few blocks from my office called Ray’s Hell Burger. It’s great stuff, but it’s the sort of place that reminds you what toilet paper is for. And here two presidents chatting over burgers at a tiny table. I’d imagine that was a bloated flight back to Moscow. If you were having problems with the signal on your iPhone 4 because you were, you know, holding it, odds are you missed it.

McChrystal clear (that one took me a while)
Gen. Stanley McChrystal, head of U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, stepped down this week after he mocked just about everyone in the Obama administration except Malia in a Rolling Stone article. He is not the first general to break the sacred “never do an interview for a magazine that will have a woman in a rifle bra on the cover” rule of war. Gen. Douglas MacArthur made the same mistake in 1951, when Betty Page appeared on the cover of Life magazine with a repeating rifle bra. MacArthur was recalled by Truman for comments made in his interview.

Yet another Muslim country we can conquer
As any historian knows, Jesus was an excellent soccer player. But now Our Risen Lord has a rival, and his name is Landon Donovan. He scored the winning go(oooo)al in the USA-Algeria World Cup game earlier this week, moving America to the second round. The goal was the only one in the game. Really. People watched for over 90 minutes waiting for something to happen.

A whole new web
It’s here. It’s finally here. After years and year of waiting, the Internet finally has what it really needs: .xxx domain. Now, you can tell that something is a NSFW site just by seeing what the domain is. That and it ushers in a whole new era of domain parking. Stay tuned for SeriouslyGuys.xxx

We don’t want your money, but we want YOUR money

Oh Bobby Jindal. Do you really think that the internet forgets anything? Like the 45, 000 dollars spent on in-city helicopter trips among a time-span of 4 months or the refusal of money going to your state for economic stimulus purposes?

After meeting with President Obama and other Gulf Coast leaders, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal called for BP to approve a $457 million seafood safety program for the region. Jindal held his press conference in New Orlean’s Acme Oyster House in the French Quarter-a symbolic location chosen to remind Americans how integral local oysters, shrimp, and crawfish are to the region.

Surrounded by commercial fishermen, Jindal reminded the crowd that seafood is hugely important to the state’s financial health (and that of the region as a whole). In Louisiana alone, the impact on the economy is estimated at $2.3 billion. The proposed safety plan is essentially a 20-year initiative that calls for industry safeguards and repair the damage done to consumer confidence regarding seafood in local waters.

As public anger over BP’s perceived lack of action continues to mount, it’s a savvy time to request funds. Jindal said the $457 million represents “a fraction of what we would lose year after year after year” should BP decline to the request. It’s just a drop in the bucket of what the oil company is going to end up shelling out for this mess, but for PR value alone, the money could be well-spent.

Remember people, it’s only acceptable to take money from big organizations for state purposes when it’s an election year.

Obama sends Americans into lions’ den

President Barack Obama is trying to push you out the door. Billed as the “America’s Great Outdoors” program, the initiative will “conserve cherished land and encourage Americans to enjoy the outdoors.”

Mr. President, with all due respect, but have you been outside? There’s mosquitoes out there. And bears. And no Playstation.

This all sounds like a ruse to get us outside while the President watches his stories instead of more Dora reruns.

Well, we hope we get kidnapped, just to teach you a lesson. Was your little Internet “me-time” worth it?

Doctor prefers Republican penises

Dr. Jack Cassell of Florida (where else?) put a sign on his door: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere.”

Cassell defended his sign, saying that he’s not actively turning patients away, “but if they read the sign and turn the other way,” then it f#%king worked. So, if you disagree with the pee-pee doctor’s politics, then you’re just gonna have to care for your new Candiru yourself.

Personally, we applaud Cassell’s efforts. It’s not every day that a doctor let’s you know he’s lousy at his profession before you even walk in the door. That’s service.

You Missed It: Socialized hyperbole edition

Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.

You got health care in my government

Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”

The games will continue

March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.

Someone’s not living up to their title

A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?

This could still take a while

After eight months of wheeling and dealing, U.S. and Russian negotiators have reached an accord on nuclear disarmament. (No, it’s not total disarmament, which is why they met at all.)

The deal must be signed by President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before arsenals are redistributed to friendly regimes slashed, which we imagine will go a little something like this:

OBAMA: OK,  now it’s just time to sign …

MEDVEDEV: You sign first.

OBAMA: … After you.

MEDVEDEV: No, no. I insist.

OBAMA: Alright, we’ll sign it together on the count of three. One … Two

MEDVEDEV: Wait! Do we sign on three or after, like “one, two, three, sign?”

OBAMA: Well, I said “on the count of three,” so on three. Acceptable?


OBAMA: OK, on three. One … TwoTHREE!



OBAMA: OK, on three …

Americanization: complete

If there were any doubts about our progress in the war in Afghanistan, let us assuage them right now. Combating Afghan and Taliban forces trash-talk each other before and during firefights over the radio, the Taliban often accusing the Afghans of loving Obama.

Does it sound like our own political discourse? SeriouslyGuys translated these radio transmissions during a skirmish so that you can decide for yourself:

AFGHAN: Put down your weapons.

TALIBAN: Bah, typical Obamabot, trying to take our guns!

AFGHAN: We don’t want your guns. We want you to stop fighting and join the discussion about how to run this country.

TALIBAN: Yeah? You want to run Afghanistan as a Muslim nation like the Founders intended?

AFGHAN: Well, although the Founders may have been Muslim, our original ancestors in the region were most likely Zoroastrian, and we’ve also had periods in our history where we were predominantly Hindu or Buddhist …

TALIBAN: War on Islam!

AFGHAN: –what?

TALIBAN: You want to outlaw Islam!

AFGHAN: What? No. Dude, we’re mostly Muslim, too. Besides, Islam takes up, like, 99% of the population. You’re not exactly oppressed. We’re OK with you being devout Muslims, but let’s keep it out of the government.

TALIBAN: So you’re proposing an amoral government!

AFGHAN: Really? When you people were in charge, you used religion to justify keeping women covered, uneducated and pregnant. What kind of moral government is that?

TALIBAN: You-you’re just in love with Obama!

AFGHAN: No, we don’t love him. We just think he has some good ideas, but we don’t necessarily trust that the United States has all of our best interests at heart. [Emphasis theirs. The spoken Pushtin language pronounces italics.]

TALIBAN: Keep drinking that Kool-Aid, Obamabot! Where’s your messiah now?!

AFGHAN: What’s “Kool-Aid?”


[Gunfire erupts, interspersed with cries of “Allahu Akbar.”]

(Special thanks to slantsmcgtee.)

We’re more proud of those that “teddu rooseveltu”

In SG moonspeak, that means to “kill bears without provocation and be damn well known for it.”

Not Japan, though. They love them some Obama. How much do they love him? Enough to give him his own verb.

Obamu: v. To proceed optimistically despite challenging obstacles.

Apparently, mind you, this sort of thing isn’t unheard of. Back when President Bush (Dana Carvey edition) went and visited Japan, he lost a tennis match to Emperor Hirohito and later that evening at a dinner party, he bushu suru: vomited in public.

Of course, these words never really made it into the public’s lexicon, as most people have never even heard the terms, just mainly college students, where the phrase “obamu” is supposed to be popular. Starting out by being passed around in a Kyoto University mailer, the made up word was then mentioned on Twitter. All of one grand time. That’s apparently enough to initiate societal change among young adults. Should we begin to use the word more often and keep it alive? Or should we believe in the ability to change it?

Heh. Bushu suru.