Tag: obama

Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers

At this point, you'd think they'd buy a new damn car.Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.

Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.

“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”

Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.

We’d like a Nobel piece of that action

Gorby is taking notes while Ronnie draws ferrets and Chesterfield cigarettes.The big shocking news of the day is that the Norwegian Nobel Committee has awarded President Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. And, of course, the critics of the president want to know what he’d done in the last ten months to deserve such recognition.

The Committee praised Obama for:

  • Starting nuclear disarmament talks.
  • Consulting with the U.N. and international communities before bombing invading new countries.
  • Inspiring an emotion (hope) without instituting a nonfluctuating color chart.

So, in other words, not only were the current batch of peacemakers kind of inactive, but the last president made this one look so damn good.

We’d like to congratulate the Nobel Committee for reaching such a decision, but what about prizes for the people that elected him? Hope’s pretty shallow in a square office, if you know what we mean. (Obama does.)

Working hard: very controversial

How'd a cactus end up in the classroom?According to the headlines,* President Barack Obama gave a very controversial speech today.

Rather than encouraging non-voters to support health care or elect more socialists this November, he had the audacity to encourage them to work hard in school this year and make good grades.

Great, just what white America needs: more minority presidents in the future.

*Note: At the time of publication, the headline was “President Obama delivers controversial speech.”

Gov’t declares war on vampires (robocalls by proxy)

Somebody at the FTC must have received a prerecorded sales call, because they’re finally making the practice illegal. As of Tuesday, September 1, it will be illegal for businesses to place unsolicited calls. So, just like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them.

Wait a minute … September 1 … that’s only 6 days away from … Labor Day …

Oh. My. God. It’s finally happened! The U.S. government has declared war on capitalism and is ringing in the new Socialist year by reigning in the auto-dialing invisible Hand of the Free Market!

And if you don’t believe us, politicians are exempt from the ban!

Damn you, Obama! WE WILL BE HEARD!

Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?

The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!

It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.

Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!

So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting! Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?

Breaking news of the day

A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage.  GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.

None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

An end to torture?

Well, here we are in the first 24 hours of Barack Obama’s presidency, and what story do we have to present to you? More torture, but this time of American citizens.

In a study to learn how the brain reacts to dieting and food cravings, scientists ordered 23 male and female volunteers, who weren’t even obese, to fast for 17 hours! If you think the food deprivation is the worst part, then put on your outrage galoshes:

“During that period, he and his team interviewed them about their favorite foods and asked them to rank each on a 1-to-10 scale. The researchers then selected one food for each subject, the only requirement being that it scored 7 or above in desirability. When the 17 hours were up, the volunteers were injected with a nuclear tracer, placed in a brain-imaging PET scanner and presented with a food they craved.”

Oh, they’re not done yet:

“‘If you said you liked barbecued ribs, we’d put a big portion of them in front of you,’ says [Dr. Gene-Jack] Wang. ‘We’d warm them in a microwave first so you couldn’t get away from the smell, and we’d give you a cotton ball with a bit of the food on it so you could taste it. Then we’d have one of the nurses describe how the food was made.'”

And did the patients then receive the food? No, they were told to think of something else and were required to keep their eyes open.

So, what did they learn in the name of science? That people have a hard time sticking to diets when tortured with juicy, succulent ribs. Way to let us down, President Obama.

The Oval Office gets a square console

STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! ZOMG, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!

In an article in the New York Times in which our soon-to-be President predicts a Florida win over Oklahoma in tonight’s BCS championship game, it is revealed that Barack Obama’s daughters received a shiny new Nintendo console when Santa Claus visited this year. And by Santa Claus, I mean the taxpayers.

“Mr. Obama said he’d have his hands full attempting to rescue the American economy. But he has gotten in a little practice in bowling lately on the Nintendo Wii his daughters received for Christmas. Mr. Obama, who famously struggled in bowling during last year’s Democratic primaries, said he performs better in the video game.”

That’s right people: the soon-to-be-President of the free world is a Nintendo fanboy. Prepare for Reggie Fils-Aime to become Secretary of Meat.

You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition

Welcome to the final You Missed it of 2008. (Normally abbreviated as YMI, but also known as TMI to iPhone users.) If you are expecting a grand review of 2008: The Year That Was–Numerically Inevitable After 2007, then you will get your wish. Technically, it’s only covering April on, since that is when this feature started, but nevertheless, let’s take a look back on the stories that would have changed your world if you had read this the first time around.

If you were busy getting engaged while still a suspect in your current wife’s disappearance, odds are you missed it.

FLAME ON! And off … and on again
The 2008 Beijing Olympics was one of the most overarching themes of the year. Things got off to a great start when human rights protesters in cities around the world caused the Olympic torch run to be done in secret in some places and extinguished temporarily several dozen times. Then it was the concern over pollution in the city, so China shut down all of its factories in the area for a few months, driving up the prices in just about everything for the summer.

As the games went on, we learned that the Olympic Village is basically a huge orgy, due to the fact that everyone is really fit and exercise raises hormone levels. Michael Phelps swam his way to eight gold medals and other athletes–uh oh, I said the M-P words. I can’t resist, must chant! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Continue reading You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition