Drink yourself thin

It’s Thursday, and if you don’t have happy hour plans, now is the time to change that. But don’t waste your happy hour socializing, have a goal. How about you try to drink like a Czech? Because as it turns out, the Czechs are mere mortals after all.

A study has found that people in the Czech Republic, the biggest beer drinking country in the world, have the same size bellies as any other human. There’s nothing special to their abilities, aside from probably being able to rally quickly after heaving to.

Doctors measured weight, waist to hip ratio (WHR), and body mass index (BMI). In men the beer intake was weakly associated with WHR, although only among nonsmokers. Beer intake had no relationship to BMI. In women, there was no relationship at all between beer consumption and WHR, and a weak inverse association with BMI. (Inverse association is science-ese that means BMI was lower among drinkers.) Conclusion: It is unlikely that beer drinking has anything to do with obesity.

You have your homework, America. Get to it, and don’t worry about getting fat!

Samoa Air weighs national treasure by the kilo

Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can't help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are "not even in the same ballpark."
Samoa Air executives realize that passengers can’t help their weight problem due to being Samoan, but will charge them per kilo anyway. Foot massages, however, are “not even in the same ballpark.”

With everyone upset at airlines for introducing baggage fees a few years ago, it was only a matter of time before one decided to weigh you instead. And if you’ve ever read Marx, then you already knew that it would be the airline that would profit the most from passenger weight.

Samoa Air, which serves some of the largest people in the world, announced that it will now charge passengers by the kilo. On their shortest flight, the will charge $1 per kilo; on their longest flight to and from American Samoa — or Samoa, only with KFC — $4.16 a kilo.

The airline points out that, while this will mean higher ticket prices for larger passengers, this will also mean much cheaper airfare for children. Cheaper, that is, until they introduce fees per seatkick and crying jag.

Finally, the bad parenting tables even out

For years, fathers have been warned that if they neglect their daughters as children, then they might as well put them on the pole themselves. But, a new study posits that mothers who don’t form a strong enough bond with their toddlers will turn them into fat teenagers.

But, let’s not get too cocky, dads. This fight isn’t settled until the individual gender studies come out. If the sons of crappy moms also end up marrying older, matronly women, then you can put your “booya” pants on.

Buy a potzer a pizza, or listen to this crap all weekend

If you’ve ever wondered where the dubious claims of your local pothead come from, here you go: “Marijuana Slims? Why Pot Smokers Are Less Obese.”

In Time‘s and author Maia Szalavitz’s defense, they’re not saying that pot makes you skinny. In fact, Szalavitz goes to great lengths to explain why (a) that is definitely not the case and (b) the fact the respondents are slimmer than their non-toking fellow surveyees makes almost no sense.

Still, expect to hear these claims all the same. And probably from a stoner chick with a pot belly (all of them).

Put down the po’boy



Now that I have your attention, I’ll stop using all-caps. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to get through to your cholesterol soaked brains. You see, it was a necessary evil in order to communicate the bad news that the US Health Resources and Services Administration has declared to the country. It would seem that you’ve allowed your number of obese children to rise to 22 percent. That’s a lot of fat kids loving cake.

Sorry for the Curtis Jackson reference. Less deep frying of okra and more steaming of okra instead?

Anyways, there is some good news-for Oregon. That state apparently has the least amount of obese kids, with just 10 percent. That’s not nearly as bad as yours. For shame, M-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-HUMPBACK-HUMPBACK-I. Maybe you should be a lot more like them and a lot less like you.

Take it from Snee: The quittening

We suburban Americans are normally a cowardly lot. We don’t really grow a pair of balls until wrapped in steel Toyotas and a horn can do our talking.

But, there are certain times when we just can’t resist making someone feel like s@&t about their personal habits.

Prime example: smoking.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have sympathy for smokers, and I smoke. But it doesn’t matter where you light up. It could be in the clearly marked smoking area, a corn field in the middle of Nebraska, an asbestos shingles factory in Bangladesh or the Earth’s molten core. Somebody will walk up to you and say, “You know that’s killing you, right?” Continue reading Take it from Snee: The quittening

Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

Ronald McDonald: Member of the Illuminati

A consumer advocacy group claims it’s time for Ronald McDonald to go, saying the nation’s largest fast-food chain’s “Chief Happiness Officer” has too much influence on kids. Yes, you read that right.

Corporate Accountability International will release a report looking at how McDonald’s uses Ronald McDonald as a marketing tool to market unhealthy products to children. The report includes information on childhood obesity rates, health and how Americans see Ronald McDonald.

McDonald’s, however, says Ronald McDonald is a “beloved brand ambassador” for the fast-food chain.

“He is the heart and soul of Ronald McDonald House Charities, which lends a helping hand to families in their time of need. Ronald also helps deliver messages to families on many important subjects such as safety, literacy, and the importance of physical activity and making balanced food choices.”

Corporate Accountability International plans to hold nearly two dozen events at McDonald’s restaurants and at colleges around the country Wednesday as it announces the contents of its report on Ronald McDonald. Events are being held in New York City, Boston, Chicago, Orlando, Greensboro, N.C., Minneapolis, San Francisco and Burlington, Vt., among other locations.

The advocacy group has also launched campaigns against bottled water and tobacco companies. So, you know, the group’s got that going for it.

The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

Apologies again for the absence of the Minute last week. I had no power Monday afternoon through about 10 pm that night, and when the power came on I had had a few. Writing was not the best idea. At least I made a cameo writing Eat My Sports last week.

I also have another thing I need to apologize to you about. This is not easy for me to say at all, but I have to be brave and come out and say it. Folks, I am an addict. I’ve been one for years. It started off when I was a kid, I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but as I got older, things got worse. Now I’m coming clean.

As with most people, I experimented in college. I thought I could handle it–that I could quit any time I wanted to. I was wrong. Before I knew it, I was hooked worse than ever before. My body would tell me I needed another hit, so I gave in every time. I’m struggling to recover even today from my addiction to fast food. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

She ain’t heavy, she’s a mother

It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.

Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!

And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.

Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.

I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.